I just finished brushing my teeth for the third day in a row. Ok, this is gross, I know, but I've never had a decent personal dental hygiene routine in my life. Basically, I'd brush when they got gross, see my dentist get the cavities filled, repeat for years. So three days in a row not after a dentist visit is remarkable.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact the house is clean and I'm building a routine. Man, does it feel good. I've been getting up, making my coffee, feeding the cat type beasts, and then getting into this tidy/dishes routine. Since I've been waking up fairly early, I'm done waking up and the dishes by 9am. I actually did dishes in 10 minutes today, I can't remember the last time dishes didn't take over an hour to do.

*Yawns* 4pm slump, right on time. Maybe a shower would wake me back up. I've had a good productive day today so far, which is very nice. It seems like lately all I've been doing work wise is paperwork. On one hand, it's great to be able to maintain my own accounting, but on the other when I spend more time in one month doing my books than I do making soap, there's a problem.

I finally got to make soap today. Blackberry and a new batch of After the Rain. Two batches, because I only have two molds. THAT is frustrating. I'm backlogged on restock soaps to make and new scents to try out, and I'm limited to two a day because of the molds. But, After the Rain for some reason goes through saponification like crazy so I might be able to make a third batch tonight.

~*~

There's this thing going around called the June Journal SMACKdown! and seeing as I'm a DCW, I should probably play.

Today's topic is "How do you think other people perceive you?"

Honestly… I always see myself as this annoying, attention seeking, demanding, and horrible person when I try to imagine how I am seen by others. Insecure much? heh.

I know where that comes from tho. In '98 I spent a lot of time going in and out of hospitals, and different therapy programs. Summer of that year I entered the PTU program in Whitby. That program gave me the BEST ever therapist, and some of the worst group therapy experiences of my life.

One of the exercises I had to do as part of my therapy was to isolate behaviours I wanted to change. It was suggested that I go around the PTU and ask my other therapy-mates (I guess) what they thought of me. I have to note that asking a bunch of people with behavioural and mental issues is not the best way to get an accurate impression of yourself.

Anyways, I ended up with a 2 page list that boiled me down into the most obnoxious unlovable person alive. Everything about me was unacceptable. The way I dressed, the way I talked, the way I WALKED for heaven's sake. Logically, I know that I'm not the hideous person that list made, but it's what I was told the time I did ask people how they perceived me and that's hard to forget.

I don't ask anymore. I'm endlessly curious about how I'm perceived, but I really don't want to know. So I think other people perceive me as an annoying know-it-all most of the time, and I remember a conversation I had with a friend in January.

We were talking about people we liked and didn't like and she said when I first started hanging round she didn't like me. I asked her why, and she replied with "At first I thought you come off as a know it all type......but when I got to know you I realized you really DID know what you were talking about....not just pretending to". I hold onto that like a life-preserver when my own sense of self isn't enough to keep me afloat.