So I got up at 7 this morning because my hip was hurting, had my morning coffee, chat with the girls (Auda and Jen), and started to wake up. I actually started getting really excited at the idea of having a good normal workday. Start at 9am, finish at about 6pm, and see what I could achieve in 9 hours.

Then the phone rings and its Sara's Dad. Somehow I hadn't been told that Sara had a doctor's appointment today at noon. So much for the solid workday. But the wonder of my own business is I can set my hours, right?

The doc appointment was about potential ADHD in Sara. Which I personally think is bullshit, but I'm willing to jump the hoops if it means it can be ruled out completely and I never have to listen to another teacher inform me that my daughter should be drugged. Well, rather they can say it and I can say "She's been tested, fuck off".

The part that is really sticking with me right now is when we started talking about us, her parents. (That and absolute respect for this doctor, he ROCKS.) See, for me, school sucked. I was bored all the time, or there were things I just could not understand no matter how hard I tried. Every report card I have says "Not reaching her potential". I hate that phrase with the fire of a million suns. Guess how thrilled I am to see it all over my daughter's report card now. heh.

So back in Grade 3, I refused completely to do any work at all. I thought it was stupid and not worth my time. I spent my time instead daydreaming and writing "head books" (long epic books written and read completely in my head). Finally the school decided I *had* to be retarded and had me tested.

The Results: IQ - 154, Reading level - gr. 8, Math level - kindergarten. They threw out the results because it wasn't "possible" for someone to have such a range on their scores. My mom and my teachers never told me about these results until I found them in my mid-teens. I just always assumed that my ease with language and how impossible I found math to understand meant I was stupid. Case closed, stupid.

After I found those scores and started to realize that 154 is a really damn high IQ score, it actually made it worse. I couldn't figure out how I could have this number, this scary number, and still not get *everything*.

So back to today, I told Sara's doctor about my personal history and why I have a diagnosis of PTSD. Then we discussed my school history. After I told him about that testing and results, he said most likely I had/have a severe learning disorder with math. He also said that having an IQ that high in a child can cause tremendous problems for them in school.

I'm sitting here, 2 hours later, still blown away. I'm not stupid. "Too smart for my own good" I always like to say, but I never truly believed it. I guess I have to now, eh? Acknowledgement, from a man I respect and I trust with my child. Cool.

I feel weird writing about this. I've always known that my head processes stuff really fast, and when I get something I GET it. But it's always been something quiet, and kept in my head. Most of the time I don't realize that I'm different from a lot of people in this. Then occasionally it hits home and I realize just how not average I am.

It's something to be ashamed of, I think is the message I've picked up. It's dirtier than talking about money, this talking about being smart. You can be it, just never mention that you are. Well, I'm smart. My brain takes things in and gobbles them up and asks for more. I sometimes call it my sponge.

I've ended up with this amazing complex about it too. I know just how fast I can learn new things, except math. Certain things it takes me months to understand, and I get so angry with myself during those times.

Ahh well. I have some tattered remains of my Monday workday remaining. Might as well do something with them.