About a week ago now my computer chair died. The Pneumatic lift doesn't hold anymore. I've discovered that if I sit on the very edge of it, it won't inch down. But, of course, I'll settle back into a comfy position and *bump*bump*bump* down I go.

I've been doing some online shopping for a new chair and it looks like it'll set me back about $200 to get a semi-decent office chair. I want one that tilts. I almost never sit in my chair straight and proper. I must tilt at all times, tilting chair or not. :) I guess I'll have to hit my mother up for a ride to the various office supply stores next week.

I wonder why the chair died now. Maybe it's just that it's old and abused. Maybe it's a weight thing?

I've gained a lot of weight since I quit smoking. I'm now back near my pregnancy weight. Considering that my only child is turning 8 really soon, it's been a long time since I was this size or weight. It's just crippling my self-esteem right now.

I've always been a 'fat girl' and had all the torments, catcalls and self-issues that come along with being one. My smallest size since I reached my adult body was a size 14 when I was 14 to my current size 24. Somewhere along the line I realized that I would never be a slim young thing and managed to deal with my self-image.

How I miss that feeling right now. A feeling of "I don't give a shit what you think I look like because I'm OK.", the ability to go outside wearing anything in my closet knowing that I look good. Now? God, I don't fit into anything I have in my closet anymore.

That's the hardest part. When it hurts to squeeze into clothes that fit me perfectly 2 months ago, or even a month ago. When the brand new jeans bought in December are a joke in Febuary. I gained 50 pounds in 2-3 months. The only thing that changed was quitting smoking.

I'm really proud that I managed to quit an addiction that had me beaten down for years. But sometimes I wonder if it's worth the cost to my self-esteem. The self-loathing is back full force, to the point that I think about cutting off the fat with a knife.

What I realized last week though is that I don't hide or hate when I'm home. I'm in my safe place and I don't think about my clothes or how I look. I'm not alone when I'm home, either. I have my family, my friends over. I realized that I hate the way I look to strangers.

Strangers are cruel enough to "Hey FATTY! Nice tits!" on their own for me to do it to myself on their behalf. Also, the majority of people are completely worried about their own lives to notice that I have a belly.

So, I've been doing a lot of self-talk and trying to work myself out of the body image panic I've been in since the insane weight gain started. I think I need to stay the hell away from mirrors and buy some more clothes for my current size.

Anyway, I want to go out with the Boys today and drag my little family with me, so I should take care of my floor chores (Sweeping & Vacuuming) before Sarabeth gets back from Mass.