It's 9am and I should be getting started on my 'schedule', my self-inflicted strict routine. Over the past month or so I've been trying several different ways of creating some motivation for myself in regards to my home and my business.

The current one is less strict than the last but still has every minute of my time between 9am and 5pm accounted for. Monday is one of the most sane days, with a lot of personal time worked in, but there's just not enough flexibility for unplanned things. Like a pile of dishes that is currently eating the kitchen alive.

I started all this scheduling in response to my complete and absolute apathy I sunk into starting in December. I had to do something, but I still haven't found the something that works longer than a week or two.

I started out with a schedule broken down into hourly chunks, without any me time worked in. That lasted maybe 4 days. Then I added in a lunch hour. That lasted a week. Then I broke it down into just a number of things to do each day without the hourly schedule and that's the one I'm avoiding right now.

I think I swung too hard the other way. But I don't know what else to do. There's so much stuff that needs to be done for both my home and my business each week. I can't keep doing this though, I really need some type of balance.

There's also the little thing of my feelings towards SkyWorks right now. I don't care. I do, but I don't, but... *sighs* It's become a shorthand here. "Christmas". Basically, I worked my ass off all last fall to prepare for the Christmas Rush. Which never came.

Mike and I have talked about it over and over again. It's just a thing that happens in business. Projected sales don't match the reality, no big deal. But for me it's been a really big deal. It was a major trigger in my not really giving a shit about my life for months.

I guess it was because I put so much of myself into SkyWorks. Then realizing that Mike had been right all along when he said that sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you work, you may not succeed. That I had actually tried, but it wasn't enough and then knowing that I'd have to keep doing it and failing to get to where I wasn't failing anymore. I couldn't handle that thought so I just dropped everything. I didn't quit, but I sure as hell walked away for a while.

I'm back, but I haven't decided anything. I still don't know if I should quit and find something easier than running my own business or start that process of trying my best and risking it not being enough again. I'm still figuring it out as I go through the motions.

So I guess maybe I should keep to my new schedule, at least a little. Go have my shower, maybe do some of the dishes and make a batch of soap. Or something. I just feel that I'm missing my bounce and I don’t know where to find it.