Writing has always been my cheap therapy. So, I need to write. I appear to be in a CCR mood. I have the weirdest music tastes, I can go from Britney to CCR to Metallica. Anyways, I'm listening to CCR, just the right thing for my mood today. A little rocking, a little foot tapping, but not serious bouncy bouncy music.

So, my mood. I'm not doing so hot. I've been functioning at way too high a stress level for me the past week… maybe more. I'm high functioning no matter how bad things get, but the cost ends up being really high.

Avoiding again. Mood. Tired. That's not an emotion. Overwhelmed. Shit, I don't know. Well that's an answer within itself, if I can't find emotions, I'm shutting down. I only shut down when I can't handle life. Fuck me. *sighs* Looking back, I see them, my signposts, the things that tell me I'm not feeling anymore. Well that's not true, I feel two things. Fear and anger.

I really really don't like being in this space. Gonna have to work myself out of my emotional rafters. This is survival mode, and I don't need to be in survival mode. I haven't had to ground myself from this level of anxiety in so long, I don't even know where to start. I can remember how to ground in the middle of a panic attack, and how to ground when things are starting to get tight wound, but this level, I'm blank.

Ok, triggers. Let's find the triggers. Money. Talking about my history. Failure. Fear. The anger is misleading. Boundaries. Fear.

Fear. What am I scared of? Giving up. Losing SkyWorks. Being what I was again. There's the hot spot. Dig. I'm so scared that I can't do this. That everyone was right, that I can't beat the demons on my back and have a good life. That no matter how hard I try, I'll never be anything more than that child beaten and left to die in the woods. Refuse.

There's the pain. Pain is good, it's not fear or anger, it's valid. I've been numbing out to not feel the fear… and the hurt. I'm hurting. And that's ok. 'cause right now I can cry, and that'll ground me. Cry for the baby I was, for the young girl that didn't know where she belonged, for the woman with dreams and never knowing how to find them. Cry for the absolute terror I have found in discovering a good life, and cry for the absolute wrongness of that terror.

Put a candle in the window, 'cause I feel I've got to move.
Though I'm going, going, I'll be coming home soon,
'Long as I can see the light.

Pack my bag and let's get movin', 'cause I'm bound to drift a while.
When I'm gone, gone, you don't have to worry long,
'Long as I can see the light.

Guess I've got that old trav'lin' bone, 'cause this feelin' won't leave me alone.
But I won't, won't be losin' my way, no, no
'Long as I can see the light.

- Long as I can see the Light, Creedence Clearwater Revival .