Today has been a long day. I'm tired, cranky, moody, and anxious - basically good old fashioned Linda overwhelmed. I hate myself when I'm like this. I pity the poor people that have to deal with me right now.

It's interesting to watch myself get overwhelmed sometimes. I spent a lot of time with a part of my head disassociated from the rest of me, just watching. I needed to do that so I could figure out what was wrong with me and how to make it better. Anyways, me overwhelmed, right. I wasn't paying a lot of attention today to myself, wasn't doing my emotional, physical, mental check-ins. So this one slipped by me. Now I feel like I got hit by a truck.

My mom says that even as a baby there was a point where too much stimulation would freak me out. Too much noise, or play, or light, or movement, or people, or… Yeah. We went Garage Sale-ing today. Too much noise, too many people, too much everything. I started getting really tired around 2pm and just craving going home. When I'm paying attention to my "signposts", that's a huge one. If I am wise, I listen to that part of me and just go home.

I, of course, wasn't wise. So now I can't stand to be touched by anyone or anything and I respond with a full on fight or flight reaction. Nice. Damnit, I should've listened to myself. I know better. Now I've gone past my own natural sensitivities into being extremely PTSD symptomatic. Shit.

I can live with the PTSD, I can actually thrive in spite of this demon on my back, if ONLY I listen to myself. I can stave off the anxieties, I can control the fear, and I can live a whole life as long as I take care of myself when I need to. I don't have the luxury of neglect of self.

So, in saying that, I have to finish my responsibilities to my daughter for the night (Brush her hair, read her bedtime story, tuck her into bed) and take responsibility for my self. Tonight… hmmm… I think warm blankets, a book and read until I fall asleep is in order. End today, see if sleep will take the edge off the demon and start tomorrow fresh.