"How are you today, Linda?"

It's a day. One of those days. One of the days when nothing seems right, or in balance, much less me. I'm feeling trapped, overwhelmed, frustrated and out of sync.

"Oh. Why?"

I don't know. I could 'work it out' and point to something specific, I have the ability to do that... but I just don't *want* to. If had to guess it could be:

- My room is a mess. My bathroom is a mess. There are dishes to be done. I did 5 loads of laundry yesterday, and there's another load there already. I feel like I'm drowning under chores. I can't function on an even keel when I'm surrounded by disorder, but I just don't feel like I can tackle the chores today. Especially since after it's clean I'll have a day (if I'm lucky) before it gets fucked up all over again.

- Mike doesn't like kite flying. Doesn't like doing it, doesn't like watching other people doing it. Mike doesn't like dancing and is uncomfortable in a dance club. Mike is a quiet man who prefers being at home and mellowing out. I knew this when we became friends, almost 2 years ago. Now, it scares me.

"That doesn't sound too good, tell me more about that point."

I give up pieces of myself in order to fit in better. In order to be accepted and wanted. I give up almost everything if I think I *have* to. Well, think is the wrong word for that, seeing as this process is something I don't consciously control. I can see me doing that now. I can see myself folding inwards AGAIN so I don't step on anyone's toes.

I haven't been dancing in months. I can't remember the last time I took *myself* out on a date. I didn't go to North Bay with the boys because Mike didn't want to and I didn't want to leave him alone. These have been my choices, MINE. But I don't like the direction I'm going in and the person I'm becoming.

Thing is, if I don't start standing up to the part of me that folds for acceptance, it'll get worse. Right now we're living in a room that was designed around me, what I needed, what I wanted. No matter what we do, it's still my room. When we move... there won't be a linda room anymore. What happens then? Do I keep hiding away the parts of me that don't seem to fit comfortably? Will I continue giving up the activities that are important to me and stay home?

"Will you?"

No. It's absolutely disrespectful of me to do this shit to Mike or myself. It's as if I'm saying that he's so shallow that he can't deal with me being me, or taking care of himself. As for me, I'm breaking a vow I made last summer.

"What was that?"

I am to never sell myself out for anything or anyone ever again. My first responsibility is to me, and my truths.

"So what now?"

I'm going to start doing the things *I* like again. Taking care of me first and foremost. The cool thing about this is, I know I'll be supported. Heh. I'm not so scared anymore.