Max is distracting me. Flaunting his beautiful view of green grass, sunshine and his great hair. I'm jealous as hell. OTOH we're having spring type weather out here, the snow is melting, and the sun is shining. Gah! The zipper on my only 'all-weather' coat just fell off. Could've done me a favor and waited a week. I guess that sets what I'm doing today... bank run to see how much we have left in our accounts, and a search for a new jacket.

*several hours later* Mmmmm, shopping is fun. :) Went for a jacket, came home with a new jacket, bra, silk shirt, dress jacket, and two summer-type tops. For the pre-planned budget of $40ish for the jacket alone. Yeah Baby. :)

I've been realizing lately just HOW much better I'm getting as each day passes. August 1999 I filled out an application form for ODSP, as brutally honest about my inabilities as I've ever been. I told the government about the days and weeks when I couldn't eat, bathe myself, much less leave the house. The times when I felt completely unable to survive anymore. That I was paralyzed with terror at the very thought of leaving home and having to interact with strangers. I told them of the flashbacks that would have me on the kitchen floor sobbing. That's the space I lived in, almost 2 years ago now.

Today. Today I have a beautiful website, a place that wasn't even within my abilities to dream of then. Today I went out shopping, surrounded by strangers, even though I'm feeling scared. I haven't had a flashback in months. My last panic attack was Friday, and instead of trying to 'prove something', I stopped what I was doing and did something else. I had my daughter stay with me for 5 days, and it was FUN!

God, it's been slow going. Still is. I'm still scared shitless sometimes of the world outside my door. Even attempting to imagine a life bigger than the one I live right now still makes me prefer dying. But! But! This life of mine keeps getting bigger, more room is being created for me to grow within. I used to have to fight myself to just keep surviving. Now, I fight to keep growing. That's good enough for me right now.