Just finished watching 'Passion of Mind' with Mike, and it's making me think about myself and my life. A part of my life that I don't share very often due to the stigma attached to 'mental illness' and the like. Passion of Mind explores the concept of self and multiple personalities (or nicer put, separate parts of self).

I have 3 very distinct parts of myself, so distinct that they each have names. Linda, Sara and Lillie. Linda is me, the day to day self... the one that pays the bills, takes care of the body, lives in the world shared with everyone else.

Sara, whom my daughter is named after, is the wise one. She loves me unconditionally, is my guide and main support. She's where I go when I don't know if I can deal with the world around me anymore, to talk and figure out where to go next. She's so incredibly stable and strong and wise... I'm amazed that I carry her within *me*. Sara takes care of my soul and keeps my hope alive.

Lillie. Ahhh, yes, Lillie. She's about 5 years old, and terrified. The scared, helpless child. When my external life goes out of control, much of the time all I can hear is her screaming inside my head. I don't know what to do with this part of me, so I ignore her most of the time. There's a reason she exists, yet I don't know what it is.

Ok, now that I sound all freaky and psychotic... *sighs* I don't know. On one hand I feel ashamed to admit that I've fragmented from the wise and scared parts of me... yet on the other, I think it's something to be proud of. Keeping Sara separate from the me that had to live outside of my head kept me alive. I believe this wholeheartedly. If I allowed myself to be as scared as Lillie always is, I wouldn't be able to function at all.

What kept me safe... *sighs* is now a liability. I want to be completely whole. I'm so used to keeping myself in 3 sections now that I don't know if I'd ever be able to make them whole. Enh. Keep on moving and trying, I guess.