I received my course materials today from ILC. I looked through them briefly, set them aside and ignored their existence for the rest of the afternoon. I'm now enrolled in Studies in Literature, OAC English. I wanted to take Writer's Craft again, but my mom strongly suggested the Studies in Literature course as prep for applying to UofW English. She knows her courses, and her work. Any failings my mom may have, she's a good teacher and loves her subject.

So here I am. Enrolled in a course that focuses on Essay writing and analysis. Enh. Mom and Mike have said I can do this, and ace the course to boot. Me? I'm not so sure right now. The last time I wrote an analytical essay was... um, 1994? The apartment is still in a state of chaos. I have to set up Sara's room. Our clothes aren't completely unpacked yet.

I have excuses coming out my ass. Bottom line is I'm scared. What if I crash into depression? I can't even feed myself when it's bad, much less write essays. What if I fail? There's the main fear. What if I fail? The wise, calm part of me says "You do it again. There's no shame in failing, only in quitting." Then there's the part of me that's been called a fuck up since I was born. The voice that says "Of course you'll fail. 'cause you're a loser and will never amount to anything more than you are now. How dare you even think of going to University?!?! You barely graduated High School."

Heh. After all the years spent in Therapy. The years spent writing, working on myself and baring my soul... and the voice is as strong as it was when I started. *shrugs* Now it feels like I've handed it a box full of ammunition. Very little can hurt me more than doubt in my ability to think. It's one of the few things I refused to give up of my self-regard. Linda is smart. Period. I can be all the other shitty things people can and have said about me, but by god, if nothing else, I'm fucking smart.

So right now by starting this course I'm opening myself up again to the voice and the criticisms of other people. "High School is so easy compared to University." *sighs* It's not looking easy from my perspective. I haven't been in school in 7 years. I look at this course and I feel so panicked. Not only do I have to complete it, I have to ace it. Heh. I'd have to be pretty fucking stupid to fail a High School course, eh?