I guess this is my real entry for today.

Somewhere in the past week, or to be exact past 4 days my mind & heart shifted. I went from still licking my wounds to a frame of mind where it hurts, but I don't care. It's now small stuff, in perspective... *thinks* I'm not angry anymore, that's what's different.

My life shattered in April... just pulverized. The worst pain of my life, and pain and I are long time friends... my trust destroyed, my faith in others crushed. I walked away. I walked away from my female friends first, because a woman I thought was trustworthy, lied to my face... because I was told "you've survived worse". (heh, funny thing about that is... I'd still take being raped over what happened this spring. That was worse.) I was angry. So I walked away. But I held onto the one that hurt me the most. I humiliated myself. I begged, pleaded... I groveled. Until one day I was told I was a mistake.... and was laughed at. Heh, I don't take too well to being mocked. So, I cleared my debts (of which I am VERY proud) and walked away. I was very angry, I had to be. My anger blinds me but also gives me strength.

A month later, I moved home. I moved home to the men that were some of the first to see me, and love me in spite of myself. I moved home to the little girl who thinks her mom is just the coolest person alive, next to her daddy, of course. I moved home to my sister, who needed me... and who I need. That week, Sus emails me from England... the woman that was the antithesis to my mother's fury growing up... Sus was the one that showed me women don't have to hurt each other and she's coming home too.

I have the room I've wanted for years. My books are unpacked, so are my tapes. I have a loft bed, with room underneath for a desk and computer. I can leave my door open all the time, and sleep without fear. I have the glitter lamp that turns my room into an underwater paradise at night. I built bookshelves with my own hands. In a month, I should have my first comp bought by myself for myself since my 8088. I am single and content with that for the first time in 10 years. I have all this but it was bittersweet... I was still angry, still hurt. I wanted to be missed.... not by the asshole, but by the women friends. I felt forgotten and replaced. I guess I want to be special and irreplaceable. (who doesn't, tho?)

Yet now, I don't feel left out or angry. I'm doing my own thing, for me. I think maybe I DID have to be completely on my own in order to heal. With the help of a few friends I haven't talked to in a while as well. I'm quite sure I'm no where near as together as I'd like. *thinks about falling in love with someone* *freaks out* ok... I'm still burned. :)

So I wonder... after I walk away, is it ok to change my mind later? As long as it's not at the cost of my integrity and what I value?

I think so.