You know, staring at a blank MT new entry template is just as frustrating as the infamous blank paper page.

I figure I have about and hour and a half to go until my back settles down and I start feeling normal. I paid attention to it yesterday morning and realized that I do get to feeling normal with the occasional twinge after about 2 hours in the morning. Puts a damper on doing anything early, but I'm not exactly insanely busy anymore.

My cousin is coming by in a bit to pick up an order she put in earlier this week. I'm not thrilled about it. I do enjoy spending time with her about 60% of the time, but usually it's tempered with the memory of things said like "If I didn't know how hard you work, I'd be dismayed at the mess in here" (said while a guest in my home) Um, yeah.

I guess I've just become really fixed on how much aggravation I'll put up with. Which is, well, very little. Especially in my home. One of the difficulties of the PTSD is I can be agoraphobic, sometimes very severely so. The main way I manage to keep it under control is having my home being my safe space. That means I'm pretty fierce about who comes in and how many chances you get.

That leads into my rant I mentioned in my last entry. yay!

...

A couple nights ago I was doing my bounce around the 'net and see what I find. I can never remember what brings me to each place, but I found a soapmaker with a fairly dusty journal. She had an entry about the pick-up customer and various other annoyances in the life of a small time soapmaker. I love what she has to say, it's so very true. Plus I admire that she put it out there like that. I sit on my rants like that because heaven forbid I offend a customer, or a potential customer.

So if you're one of the above that doesn't understand that PtF is my personal site, that I am a human being that gets pissed off occasionally and that my business isn't me, stop reading.

One thing she said that really sticks with me is "The only person who benefits from this arrangement is YOU, the greedy customer who is too cheap to pay shipping, or too impatient wait for an order to be delivered." re: the 'I'll just swing on by and pick that up then...' customer.

I had a very nice woman call me last Saturday looking to order and pick-up some soaps for a party. Since it was the long weekend I spent far too long debating my answer. On one hand I still have the business idealist deep in that thinks I should do anything and everything in my power to nail a sale. Even if it means I lose time and money in the process. That part of me still believes in customer loyalty. Crack smoker. heh.

On the other hand there's the me that watched my business die because I wasn't sitting in a chat room 24/7 promoting to my what I thought loyal customers. (I quit smoking in December and quite literally couldn't sit down in my computer chair and keep to my quit for almost 2 months. So I stayed away from the evil chair.) This me has over the past couple years learned to say No, learned that weekends are more precious than any sale, learned that Mike was right. Learned that no matter how hard you work you can still fail. I learned that people go for what is easiest, what is cheapest, and what is in their face.

(Disclaimer before my bitter overflows: I have loyal customers. I love them. They are the reason that I will never ever completely quit my business. You guys know who you are, and I love you! Smooch! ;) )

So on Tuesday I called back the very nice woman and left a message. She called me back and we discussed it. I didn't know what I would say until the words came out of my mouth to a "So I can't pick up my order?" were a very simple "No." No apology, no explanation, just No. Then of course, like most of humanity, she brought some pressure to change my mind. The standard "You'll lose my business" which only works if the business in question cares. Me? My home space staying private is worth a hell of a lot more than a $30 order.

After that exchange I changed the ordering page at SW to say "SW is a mail-order business. We do not accept pick-up orders." I thought it was clear before, but I guess not. Now it is.

Wondering why it's such a big deal? A few things actually. There's the straightforward zoning and lease issue. Very simply I am not allowed to run a business from here. Period. But more than anything else, this is my home. My safe place, my shelter, my sanctuary. It's not a space that has touches of personality, like a desk in a cube in a workplace or a storefront, it is absolutely personal. And as I said way up there at the start of this entry, I'm fierce about my home space.

What gets me is that most people are like I am about their personal space. I think that's part of why it maddens me so. It would be a horrible breech of etiquette to announce, "I'll be over later this week." to someone not running a home based business, and guaranteed they would hate it, so why is it ok to do it to me? hmm? Or when a No is given to attempt a not-so-subtle manipulation to get your own way. *shakes head*

I think it comes down to the tendency that really bothered me when I chatted all the time. It's the tendency to pigeonhole humanity. I am a soapmaker, so that's who I am. Period. I don't have any more facets to my self, my world than my role of providing soap when they want it, where they want it, and oh yes, not to be forgotten, how they want it. My desire to keep my home and my business separate is an inconvenience to them and therefore nonsensical.

*sighs* I've just managed to remind myself of what I despise about this job of mine... and I haven't even gotten into the demands of what to make and when to make it or the basic, non-interpersonal problems of small scale manufacturing. Is it any wonder that I'm just not sure that I want to do this anymore? I make a good product, I have some amazing customers, but I just don't know.

And on that familiar note, I'm off to my shower.

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