I never seem to write on the weekend. Oddly it's when I have the least amount of time to just get into something. There's always someone else around. I've been thinking about this entry all weekend though. I think I've finally come to a decision about SW. About what I want it to be, how I want to approach this career of mine, what's important, what's not and what I did wrong last year.

It's been 2 years now that I've been a soapmaker. I made my very first batch of soap on August 7, 2001. Within 2 months I had about 40 pounds of soap curing on Sara's desk. More soap than we would ever use in our lifetime.

So I started selling through Mike to his office to just get rid of some of that soap. Eventually some people online got interested and asked for a web page. I made a quicky webpage and started taking orders. Getting massive amounts of hands-on experience (not the same as the kind that comes with time, but valuable all the same) while making endless batches of soap. Around Christmas that year Mike insisted that I needed to register the business, go legal. I ignored him for several months until I was downtown Kitchener with time to kill and the $80 for the registration fee. On March 1, 2002 SkyWorks became official.

Since then it's been a ride. Up and down, left and right, out of control really. I think my best sales month was nearly $900 in sales. My worst hasn't been put on the books yet but it's definitely been in the past 6 months and well under $100. (1) I used to ignore those sales numbers and the amount of work I put into the business. Sweat equity. *snorts* It was a labour of love, not money. Until there was no love left.

Now it's just labour. I haven't made a batch of soap since the last Angel Wings... in March. That batch DOSed to hell and back and with that I lost the desire to create just to throw out. This is especially sad when you consider that 2 years ago I couldn't go a day without dreaming about soap, about the next batch I would create. There was a lot of love and fun there once. I managed to kill it with my idealism and generosity.

That's a funny thought, killing something with what should be positive things. But it's what happened. I kept thinking that if I was this great, wonderful, sharing person my business would succeed. Mike told me that it didn't work that way (2), but I didn't believe him. What happened was I kept bending over backwards, I kept giving extras and all I got back was expectations. I was expected to make this certain soap when they wanted it, simply because they wanted it. I was expected to process their orders on a Sunday afternoon. I somehow ended up with a stock list of over 30 types of soap, without the sales to afford a range like that. And because of the way I am instead of saying to these people, "Um. No. MY business. Go elsewhere if you don't like it." I started to hate my art. Bye-bye love.

I know I sound naive. I know I sound ungrateful. I know I sound like a victim.

That's my point.

Because that's exactly what I was, exactly what I set myself up to become. I started a business based on the way it was when I was a hobbyist selling to acquaintances. I never said "Ok, SLOW down. What do I want this to be? What do I need? What are my limits?" I just jumped in and rode the coaster until I fell off.

I think I'm finally thankful that I fell off that coaster ride. For the longest time I've been angry that quitting smoking "killed" my business. Or frustrated that people aren't loyal. I knew those weren't the reasons, and I knew the answer would come eventually. So I've been in a holding pattern for most of 2003, waiting for the answers to come. They finally arrived last Thursday as a quick random thought.

"I should clear out ALL of my stock with a massive sale and start over."

Pretty simple, eh? It stuck in my head like crazy glue. Over this past weekend I've bounced it off my Mom and Mike and in so doing I've clarified it even more for myself. It's gone from an idea to a rough outline of a plan and an understanding of my business I don't think I've ever had before. I think I finally understand that this isn't about making friends. This isn't about being popular. This isn't about me personally.

This is about a business. A product that is high quality, unique and useful. This is about what I want, what I am capable of, what works for me. This is about no longer wasting my time. This is what I should have done when I started. I have some of the answers I've been looking for...

• I don't want to work to make someone else money. That means no more debates about wholesale or consignment. Retail only.

• There is no way I can make, stock and sell 30+ types of soaps along with all the various bath & body stuff. It costs too much in supplies, time and space. Plus I end up throwing old stuff out. I need to pare down my product list to something manageable that doesn't piss off my few remaining customers. I'm thinking 10 standard stock soaps with monthly limited edition featured scents.

• I need to start fresh. Clear out all the old stock that's coming closer and closer to rotting in my cupboard. I am going to have a massive sale with rockbottom prices for a month. At the end of the month anything left is donated.

• I need to rediscover what I loved about soapmaking. What drove me to continually make soap 2 years ago. Why it was something I could do to escape from myself for that hour. I am going to find my inspiration.

• I need a plan. I need to know exactly what I want SW to be, where it's going, how I'm going to get it there. I need this so I can make solid decisions without doubt. (at least less doubt) I am going to make a business plan.

• I choose SW.
  

And with that, I am going to do the chores I should have done yesterday. While I do that I'm going to think some more and see what else I've decided.

1. Aspiring soapmakers, take a good look at those numbers. This is NOT a field where you quit your day job.

2. I still remember him saying it as we made our bed together one day. It's an image that is crystal clear in my memory.