Another 30 minute free write. A chance to shut my internal censor up and just type out what is floating around in my head that wants to be written out.

So Sara's Dad just called, he wants to drop her off early. (We were supposed to trade off this Friday at the next summit meeting) He sounded like shit, sick and miserable and I can understand wanting to drop Sara off in that case. I try to be available to take her, the same as I would be if our marriage hadn't broken down.

The really cool thing that I haven't mentioned in here yet is that Sara is coming here full time ... I guess starting today. I've been very quietly and slowly talking about this switch over the past 5 months or so. I knew around Christmas that I wanted her living with us full time, but I also knew that if I said as much it would be a no.

I feel like I should explain why I didn't have my daughter full time, and what's funny is it feels like it's less acceptable that I only had her part time now that she's here full time. That if I'm ok now, I of course was always ok. You know? It's frustrating. I don't really want to explain to people that are more likely to use it as something to gossip about rather than something to learn from, that I was scared that I might end up abusing my daughter the way I was. That abuse is a cycle, and I was doing my damnedest to break it.

I also don't want people to judge my life, rather my mom for our history. It's funny, I'm pretty open about being abused growing up and the costs I pay for that in my adult life, but I still keep from mentioning who exactly did it. Even though it's obvious to anyone that thinks about it. I just don't want to say because of why...? Loyalty. I have this extreme level of loyalty to my family that keeps me going back over and over to things that anger and hurt me.

A few months ago I got pretty angry. My Mom's place had been broken into, and somehow I ended up at her house facing an entire day just sitting there. Well, my sis had to go to work, and because I was the one with all the free time *cough* I was volunteered. I do it to myself, I know. I finally got angry enough to say something about it. About how it was just accepted that I would always drop everything to go to bat for my family. That I have nothing better to do. That somehow me giving up a day means that I'm not missing anything more than sitting around watching TV. That I don't have a job that I leave behind every day I sit elsewhere.

I was so mad. So mad. Part of it was last year when my mom was in the hospital for a week. I dropped everything. Everything. I went in and sat there for 12+ hours each day, so she wouldn't be alone, drugged and scared. My sister had to work, so it was me. I understand that and honestly it's part of the reason why I work for myself, the flexibility to drop everything. It's just this feeling that it's expected. There's very little gratitude there.

Anyway, so that day when I found myself facing an entire day sitting when I had plans without a please or really a thank you, I ended up yelling at Mom. I said all the things I had kept inside for so long. That somehow my sacrifices are taken for granted, that because it's me sacrificing, it's not a sacrifice. That all I hear about is how my sis works so hard, how she struggles, how hard it is for her. That I got told off for forgetting to pay Mom back $5 after I fucking bail my family for over a thousand. I yelled about all this and more, and I hoped that some changes happened. They didn't. They never do.

*sighs* This is all coming from my tooth breaking last week. I asked for a ride from my Mom to the dentists when I got an appointment. She told me to take a bus. Reasonable response, I don't argue that. But is it reasonable when in my living room there sits her PC waiting a free repair from my fiancé? Is it reasonable when I drop everything, always, for them? I don't fucking think so.

Plus part of what makes me so mad right now is the trip into Toronto. It started out as a trip to visit the photo stores out there. Mom's idea, she wanted company and I was willing to go along. Thinking about it I ended up suggesting that I fit my doctor's appointment in there as well. Not a problem. I made my appointment, and off we went. I knew I was going to pay for gas, or part of it at least. I figured we take a quick route in, and TTC the rest. We ended up driving everywhere and I ended up going to my doctor's on the TTC the taking the streetcar out to the Beach. We drove every route Mom wanted, and I did all the driving. I then filled the tank at the end of the night to the tune of $18.

Somehow I ended up feeling like that entire trip was for me. A favour. I forgot that it wasn't my trip, that most of the stuff we did wasn't for me, wasn't my choice, but somehow I ended up paying for it and feeling guilty.

I know a chunk of this rant is unfair and biased. I know that my history colours part of it. But there's more than just that. I'm so so tired of living in a family that sees me as a patsy. I don't think I'm unreasonable to expect acknowledgement of what *I* do. It's not a one or the other situation here. Acknowledging that I bust my ass, potentially destroy my relationships, and am the one they come to when the chips are down doesn't take away from anyone else in it. You'd think it did for the amount I get. I get treated like a fucking burden.

Truth. That's the truth there. That's what I feel. That I am the family burden. The weight that pulls them down. That I ask too much. That I am somehow lesser.

How can the one that has loaned out over a thousand dollars to help out be the burden? How can the one that has time and time again dropped everything in her life to be there for her family be the burden? How can the one that is come to when the shit hits the fan be the burden? How can the one that freely gives of her home, family, and life be the burden? How can the one that when she asks for favours makes DAMN sure she repays them be the burden?

I don't know, but that's how I am treated. I asked for a favour that would take an hour and save me several hours and was dismissed with a "take the bus".

And that's 30 minutes. *sighs*