It's been a busy week so far. Had a fight with my mother on Thursday about the things I wrote about in a previous 30-minute entry, spent the last weekend of the summer with Sara and a day with my sister. Who has requested that I make her a little more anonymous. She has reasonable concerns so I complied. The find and replace function in Moveable type is amazing. Heh.

So we're right smack-dab in the middle of the first week of school, and the first real week of my having Sara 90% of the time. I'm so very paranoid that I'm going to mismanage my time and be late to get her or I'll simply forget that there's a new routine. You wouldn't believe all the notes I have around to remind me to pick her up after school today.

I think if I manage my time well enough I may go just before it's time to get her and pick up season 2 of CSI at HMV. Angel and CSI Seasons 2 were released on Tuesday and I really want to get my paws on them. I said I'd wait until next Monday, but I really want something to watch right now. We broke out the CSI Season one last night to watch an episode while we had dinner. I like that series because for the most part each episode is a stand-alone.

I had a really good talk with my sister on Monday about things. She reminded me about the reality of who we are and how our lives are and that I really can't change anything. I can just decide to let it all slide or I can keep getting angry and frustrated. I just don't know. Ahh well.

Nothing real interesting coming out today, heh. I think I was reminded again why I'm not terribly open in my OLJ. People will use it to find out dirt. I come again to the question of why keep an OLJ anyway. Did you know that moveable type tracks the various searches done in the activity log? I know that someone has gone through searching for their name and I find it funny.

I just don't really want to write anymore. I don't want to have my words taken out of context and used as a weapon against me and mine. I don't want the responsibility of someone else's life. I don't want to be told that I can't talk about my past because it's shared with someone else and therefore I am talking about their past as well. A past they don't want public in any way, shape, or form. I just don't know what to do.

I've been online since December 1995. I've been a member of countless communities. I've been the only woman in a highly respected Quake Clan. I've been a CM for an IRC channel and op in god only knows how many other channels. I've been loved, hated, admired and despised online. And of course, ignored. Being on a computer, connected to the rest of the world like this has been such a major part of my adult life.

I've been here so long now that I wonder why I stay. I wonder what I'm doing here. I wonder at how I am sitting talking about boundaries and it's implied that by my having an OLJ I don't have any. I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that I feel like I have to conform somehow to this ideal Internet user. Someone who checks their email and then goes and does something else. Hey, that's great, but that's not my life.

Where do I put my stuff then, if I don't write it here? Do I attempt to train my hand back into paper journals? Do I attempt to figure out how to and where to write out my life? Or do I just go back to saying nothing? Or accept that sometimes people read what they know they shouldn't, and that's their problem, not mine. That asking me not to call someone by their name in my public journal is a reasonable compromise.

Hah, look at all the angst. Forget this. I don't need angst today. I need a cleaner home, some laundry done, to finish up the dishes so I can cook dinner tonight. I want to go get my paws on some good television on DVD so I can watch it as I wish. I want to live my boring, private life a bit more this week. 'cause last week sucked.