I've been noticing a worrying trend in myself lately. I've been really really angry, annoyed and frustrated at everything and everybody around me. I've had a long time to learn how to rein in my moods so I don't think I've been taking it out on them, but it's still worrying. I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way, but it's been getting worse.

It's to the point now that I don't seem to have anything nice to say about anything. Nothing seems to get me excited in a positive way. When I went out with Miss Sara for a swim at the nearby pool I spent more time fuming about a punk-ass lifeguard giving us the shit-eye than I did enjoying my daughter's company and doing something different.

Usually when I'm this mad at little annoyances there's something underneath that I'm really angry about and just not allowing myself to feel it or address it. I have no idea what that would be, if that is the reason why I am this way right now. I think in part I'm just stagnating here in my safe, routine life.

I don't have much to talk about because I don't do much. I make soap (Again! Finally! Yay!), I do chores, I shop, I cook dinner, and I watch TV. I've been working more on the business lately, but it's still the same stuff I've been either doing or putting off for the past 2 years. There's nothing I can think of off the top of my head that excites me that I do. Or even challenges me. That's really sad.

So what do I do about this? I started thinking about it yesterday and I remembered this silly little movie I watched a while ago, Keeping the Faith. The main female character "took classes" as a hobby. I remember at the time thinking that was stupid, but the more I realize how absolutely boring my life has become; the more I think it's a smart idea. I keep looking at the Program Guides put out by the various associations around here and see things that might be fun to do. I walk through campus at UofW and think it would be exciting to be walking there because I have somewhere to be, a class to attend.

I find myself held back all the same. I make excuses that there's no time to do this stuff, or that I don't have the transportation, or that it's too expensive. Honestly, I'm just shy. Shy and I've forgotten in my hermitage how to force myself past it and out into the world. I visualize walking out onto the deck of the pool first thing in the morning for an Aquafit class, and I just freeze in fear. Fear of looking foolish, Fear of not knowing anyone, Fear of anything new.

I could blame this on the PTSD, but that's just another excuse like all the others. I'm functioning so well right now that I'm bored! That's awesome.

Wanders off for an hour to cut some soap, look up courses at UofW, etc.

I think it's time for me to finally do something about my lack of education. I barely finished High School, and I am damned proud of that achievement, but my options for employment beyond SkyWorks is so limited and crippling because I never went back to school. U of W is my best option simply because as Mike's spouse, I get 50% tuition. I think the programs that interest me the most are Honours Arts or Honours Arts and Business Regular. I know for sure that I don't have enough OACs to do it, plus there's no way I'm ready to go back to classes as I am now. So I think I need to actually re-apply for the ILC OAC course I started in July 2001 and never did anything with.

I think I need to do two things this "term". Miss Sara is in 3 extracurricular classes a week, and I can manage to do two if my eight year old can do three and school.

I think I'm going to get out of my shell and go to Aquafit at the swimplex once a week. Wednesday mornings looks to be the best time and day to go since I don't have Miss Sara that morning to worry about and then I can make the 9am class. I need to decide if I'm going for deep or shallow.

For my second thing I think I'm going to do the ILC course. Studies in Literature, OAC. I remember reading through the first unit I was sent and thinking it looked interesting, so I might as well give it a try. I know it's not really something that will get me out of the house, but it's something challenging. Something to shake things up a bit. See if I can do it all chunk by chunk and get all my 6 needed OACs sooner than later.

But even with all this planning, I still have a business to run, so I better go make another batch of soap.