So. I cried in the chair of my new Dental Hygienist today.

I'm in no way a good dental patient, but I don't think I'm the worst either. I'm extremely sensitive to pain, I metabolize freezing faster than the average bear, I am mildly needle phobic, I get very tense and I can slide into panic attacks. Visits to my Dentist are experiments in self-control and the strength of my equilibrium. There's the giving up of my control, the definite pain and the feeling that I'm going to choke on my own tounge.

Part of why I'm this fearful of the Dental experience is an asshole Dentist I had as a child. Back then I was fully phobic about needles to the point I wanted any work done with only topical anesthesia. So that day I told him no needles and closed my eyes. The next I opened them all I saw was a big ass silver needle coming towards my mouth. I whipped my head to the side and he stabbed his hand with the needle. He then grabbed my face and screamed at me "You little shit! You are going to take a needle and shut up!" I refused to go to the dentist after that until my teeth were literally rotting out of my head.

I got a referral to Dr. Cameron back in '96 or '97 I think. He's been my dentist ever since because he simply rocks my little world. He has been consistently patient and understanding with my anxieties for that entire time. Because of that I've become more capable of staying calm. He pointed this out today and complimented me on it.

Today was a big appointment, 2+ hours for everything on the left side of my mouth -- fillings, some polishing and a cleaning. I've never had a dental cleaning before so that was a bit anxiety causing in itself coming up on the appointment. We decided to do the full deal because I'm so touchy with the needles and this way it would only really be one, maybe two sets total. It was a good plan, and I still think it is, but I really didn't take into account my difficulty with new things, especially new things that cause pain. Hah.

The first half went really well, me zoning out as best I could with my discman and relaxation exercises. Still not my favourite thing to do on a Tuesday morning, but workable. I was supposed to get a second needle to top up the freezing before I went into the cleaning, but Dr. Cameron forgot and worse, I forgot. So I transfer over to Claire's room to meet her and get my first cleaning done. She explains to me what is going to happen, shows me her tools and I get settled.

Dear god, that ultrasonic tool is a torture device. I notice at first a little discomfort but that's standard for me there. Then she went to the upper section and I don't remember what I did, but all I know was my panicked response of "Get that the FUCK away from me. Get me the fuck away from that." I think I shoved my self back and up on the chair. I immediately started apologizing and saying that I needed that second needle. She went to get the needle and Dr. Cameron after assuring me that it was totally ok, she understood.

I guess he was busy with another client, understandably, so the wait was a bit longer than Claire expected. She then did a bit of probing on the right side, to check the work that needed to be done next time she explained later, but all I thought was that there was no freezing on that side and I just burst into tears.

It was all just too much. I didn't expect the type of pain cleaning entails, and I was already stressed out from an hour of standard dental work. It was a new person, an new procedure and just plain scary. I'm not surprised I started crying.

What surprised me is how amazing both Dr. Cameron and Claire were with me. I knew he was good with me, but this was just phenomenal. It was more than the willingness to have me cancel the rest of the appointment to their financial loss, more than what they said; it was really the atmosphere that it was ok for me to panic a bit.

So it sucked. And it was wonderful to have that level of patience and understanding.

I'm burnt out badly by it. I don't cry in public, I rarely cry at all anymore. My stress levels are way too high, so I'm going to finish taking care of the 'need-to-be-done' stuff and then curl up with some movies for the rest of the day.