I'm really trying to get my journal and photoblog entries up to at least one a day during the week. For the most part this just means taking the time to sit down and type for half an hour or so. I find the morning is the best time to try to do this after Mike's left for work and I'm back from dropping Sara off at school. It's quiet me time and really the only thing I have to deal with is my own demands on my time.

It seems like it's been install new things week. I just installed and tweaked up GAIM so I can run both ICQ and MSN at the same time. MG wanted to chat about domain names last week using MSN but I didn't have it running. It interesting to realize just how many instant messengers there are nowadays. I remember when ICQ first hit the market.

I've been thinking about patience this week. Mike once said that I have very little patience with other people. It's really stuck with me and bothered me. But the more I think about it, I don't think it's a bad thing.

See, once upon a time I was a patsy. I was the walking joke of whatever group I would become part of, the one that everyone picked on. I was so desperate for attention and affection from the people around me I would take whatever scraps of attention they would toss me. One truism I've learned from that part of my life and myself is that people are essentially selfish and they give only what they have to, what you demand. Not saying that people are bad, just that if you take the shit handed out without complaint you will never get anything better. Or "Demand respect to get it."

I knew this at an intellectual level for the longest time. I knew that I was accepting it and in part was responsible for their actions simply because I allowed them to do it. But I just couldn't do anything about it, I needed that attention, I needed to be seen -- I needed to exist to anyone, even as someone to treat like shit because I didn't exist for myself.

Finally I hit bottom -- that spring three years ago now. I finally realized that I was worth more. I finally realized that if I could fight to survive, I could also turn that power around to fight for self-respect and dignity. I realized this past week that I've achieved it. I've become someone I respect highly and I am willing to accept nothing less than the best anyone has to offer me. The very idea of demeaning myself or game playing just to gain a scrap of acceptance makes my skin crawl.

One of the things I've had to work very hard on is my absolute fear and loathing of conflict. I hate being actively and openly angry or frustrated with anyone. It puts my stress levels through the roof, and I do everything I can to keep those low. But conflict is a part of life, is a part of relationships, and is a part of being human. If there is no open conflict between people occasionally, there is definitely hidden conflict. Simply because we all see life differently, it's what makes the world interesting.

So I've tried to not hide my frustrations, I've trained and become slightly more skilled at addressing my frustrations within my relationships. Some stuff I ignore because the cost in conflict is higher than the perceived gain. Actually, I frequently ignore stuff because of that. So when I address stuff, I expect to have it treated as something of importance that needs to be resolved or at least discussed. I'm pretty clear about how I do things as well. I'm not a game player, I don't do the passive-aggressive dance, I'm damn clear about what I'm angry about, and why.

What's funny is I used to be a really good game player. I used to take great pride in how I could manipulate people. Now I find it shameful the way I treated people that cared about me. What it's given me though is a clear knowledge when someone is trying to manipulate me. Or the occasional realization later that I have been played. That's pretty rare though.

Anyway, as I was saying before I have very little patience with people. Some of the things I have no patience with are game playing, manipulation, or passive-aggressive bullshit. This combined with my absolute inflexibility on the sanctity of my home and my well-being makes me very picky about the people in my life.

As I said to Mike this morning, I'd rather be absolutely alone than be with people that don't understand or respect who I am, what I stand for, what I expect and what I give in return. Anyone that is a friend of mine knows without doubt that I will never be violent in action or in words. They will also know that this is the core of who I have worked my ass off to become as an adult. So if someone was to label something I did as "a scathing verbal or written attack" it would just conclusively show that they're no friend of mine.