Going to take half an hour to write an entry before I go back to my Watercolour painting. I've been inspired by a card I was sent. It has a watercolour on the front as the cover art, and once I looked it over I realized that I could do the same kind of design, only better. Heh. It may end up being a Christmas present for someone. Not sure who yet.

I'm also "importing" some of my CDs into iTunes. What a fancy way of saying burning. I just don't really listen to my CDs unless it's something like today and going to the Dentist. I then use my CDs as a method of disassociation. I realized that today in Claire's chair. I use the music as a passport into removing my consciousness from my body. I go away into the music and I don't feel any pain, I don't panic, I don't realize what's going on around me.

That I need to disassociate myself that much when I'm at the dentist says a lot about how scary I do find the entire experience. Which is really sad since I trust and really respect the team of three that work on me there. Maybe someday I can go there without the need for the music so I can disappear.

Sara had a swimming lesson last night, and I spent the half hour just writing out my To-Do lists for this month -- SkyWorks and Personal. There's so much to be done, but when it's in terms of a month, it's so much more manageable. One of the big things is starting on my ILC course. I received the first lesson and the reading materials this past week from them. I've been doing the minor questions and reading over the past couple months using the materials I was given the first time I attempted this course. I stopped when it came time for the semi-essay type answers.

I choked. I'm absolutely terrified of these simple questions and essay answers. I don't know where to start, I'm scared that my difficulty flowing paragraphs will resurface; I don't think I can do it. So instead of my hoped for completed first unit by the time I officially started the course, I have me, scared of the key questions in the first lesson.

I mentioned this to my sister today when we were having a quick visit and she laughed at me. "You're scared of an ESSAY? Linda, you've ALWAYS been great at English. It's your best subject." And, well... she's right. I think that's part of why I'm so intimidated by a simple OAC course. What if I'm not great at English anymore? What if I've forgotten how to learn from other people? I can learn, I know that. I wouldn't have a business if I didn't, but can I learn from other people anymore? Or have I become too rigid in my ways?

Gah, I dunno. I know I'm pretty inflexible in how I want my home, my business, my life structured. I know what works best for me and I'm pretty fierce about protecting and maintaining that. But does that translate into an inability to learn from a class environment? I'm scared that it might.

I've been talking to Sara lately about her attitude and her mouth -- both are problems. She thinks she knows everything and isn't shy about saying as much to the people around her. She can lack tact, plus she's pretty cocky. I see a lot of me in her and it frustrates me. I try to tell her that she can learn from the people around her, especially the people we pay money to teach her. *sighs* We'll see how that works out.

A thought. I like to make things easier on the people around me. I always do, even at the cost of my own security and stability. I've always been like this. I wonder if that's why I'm the one that gets slighted, disregarded and put aside in some of my relationships. I've been watching how I am treated and how I interact with the people I am closest to in my life and it's been interesting. I seem to be the one that gets treated the roughest, but I have the reputation of being the most fragile. Not quite sure how that works, but it's what I see.

Probably it's because I will forgive most anything. I'm easy. What's interesting is that there's this demarcation point in my life that I no longer am willing to forgive and forget anymore. An age that I'm inflexible about how I want to be treated and in what I will accept from anyone.

Let me think... yeah, it's 2000. It's that spring of my destruction. Anyone that was in my life before then, I act like a great big 'ol doormat with, the people I only occasionally get mad and engage in conflict with. Anyone after -- well there isn't really anyone after that point. I've had enough of their shit and moved on.

One thing I learned in therapy is that we attract what we are. We attract into our lives the relationships we need for the people we are today. If you're needy and desperate, you will attract the needy and desperate. If you are self-confident and secure you will attract the self-confident and secure. I think we also attract the other people but if you're under their stage they will move on eventually and if you're higher, you will move on eventually.

And with that, my 30 minutes are up.