After wasting most of the time I was supposed to be writing an entry yesterday, I think I'm going to stick to the 30-minute entry format. It's much easier to do nothing but write or think about what I'm going to say next for a finite amount of time. Otherwise I spend my time poking and prodding and listening more to my internal censor than writing.

I've decided to try to do one thing off of each list (Work and Personal) every day. I've already finished the personal for today -- Withdraw from the OAC course I started in November. All that's left for that one is to mail it out and I'll do that on Friday.

There's a sense of disappointment and failure for me in withdrawing from the course. But it's nowhere near as strong as I thought it would be. Maybe I'm growing up and realizing that I can choose what to focus on, that not everything in my life has to be done just because someone says so. Honestly I'm best served by applying directly to UofW when I finally decide to go back to school.

There was no support for the course, the staff was insulting and incompetent, and with the OACs being unavailable anywhere by next Fall it was a waste of my time. I guess I just need to re-evaluate my goals and needs now. I was feeling stifled when I signed up for the course but I wonder if that's more a function of my life being too busy rather than not busy and/or challenging enough.

I feel sometimes like I can't breathe. Then when I do take the time to breathe I feel so damned guilty. Like I have to prove something to everyone else. I keep losing sight of where I've come from. Doesn't help that where I come from is hard to think of, and most people choose not to -- they choose to forget that I once was unable to keep myself clean and fed, my depressions were so severe.

Ahh well. I just have to remember that and make sure that I give myself both the challenges to force me to keep growing and moving and the time and space to breathe when I need it.

I keep thinking about taking a Watercolour course through the city. They keep on being offered at conflicting times -- Evenings when I'm running around with Miss Sara, or they overlap drop off/pick up times from School. I figure by next year Sara will be walking to school on her own with a friend and I'll have more flexibility. That or we'll have a car and my ability to run around will be tripled! Oh. Yay.

I've set myself a personal goal of 100 books read by my Birthday (May 12th). Which is not fair to the other people in the Patterson books read challenge -- Mike's Mom won with 78 books read in 2003. If it looks like I'm going to achieve that, I'll ask everyone else if they'd prefer I drop out, I guess. Mike's been whining at me about how many books I've read so far this year and that he can't catch up. I just point that when he could be reading he's sitting on the couch watching The O.C. (which he doesn't watch, I do), and playing on his laptop.

I've just been deciding to take the time to read instead of "finding something on TV" or "killing time online". So I figure if I can keep it up I can make the 100 books easy. I find I'm more grounded and rested when I read over when I veg out using my PC or the TV. I think it's because I lie down to read and it's completely relaxing and at whatever speed I want it. I fall asleep more often than not with a book in my hand now.

So the business thing to do next is weigh and sort the cured soaps. It's a miracle when I get a batch that doesn't have any underweight bars. And there's my bell - that's 30 minutes.