Mike pointed something out this morning while I was debating the cost of darkroom access. He said that my continual inability to focus solely on one thing at a time is probably the major reason I have a hard time with my life. Specifically we were talking about my interest in both Photography and Watercolour as art forms and a means to express myself creatively.

I want to improve in both areas. I want to learn technique and methodology in Watercolours and I want to get back into a darkroom with my Photography. I want to commit to both, but I just don't have the time or the money to do both at the same time. So instead of leaving one to focus on the other, I attempt to do both in a half-assed fashion. That diluted focus means I stay mediocre in both areas.

I think I do that all over in my life. Mike shared a comment from his father, that I was disgustingly talented. (With the underlying question being, if she's so talented, why isn't she doing something with it?) And I am. I make no bones and no false modesty about it. I am disgustingly talented. In everything. Which is the hard part about it. I'm talented to a point, and so many things come so very easy to me that when I hit the point (that everyone hits talented or not) that requires me to struggle I switch off to something else.

I don't think it's because of laziness really. I think it's more that I'm a jack-of-all-trades. I haven't found anything that fits me yet and because there are so many options I get overwhelmed and find it difficult to focus. It's always been this way -- as far back as I can remember.

I'd be good in English so I'd think about being a teacher but then my hands would itch. To stop the hand itch, I'd take Shop (machine, auto, woodworking, drafting, electrics) and dream about taking on a trade, and then my mind would die of boredom. The best fit ever was Tech Theatre. I could be an artist; I was challenged intellectually and physically. It was both social and solitary and I could scatter myself to whatever interest caught me for that show. I was carpenter, costuming, electrics. I was grunt work -- I was TD. There was so much there for me.

But even now when I think about trying again, digging up my old contacts and see if they remember me and if they do would they be willing to use my free pair of hands I realize it wouldn't fit anymore. I can't do the work. My back is fucked. I like to pretend to myself that I'm just a wimp and the pain isn't that bad and I'm just as capable of doing anything I used to be able to do. But I know the truth. I know that I'm a liability and it would be unprofessional of me to pretend otherwise to someone that would count on my abilities. And even though I haven't worn my blacks in 9 years, I am still a professional Theatre Technician.

So I sit here not knowing what to do with myself. I run my business as well as I can, in my normal half-assed manner. I both accept and deny my injuries and my abilities. Everything appeals to me and nothing does. I'm living on the goddamned fence and I have no idea where to go from here.

I think maybe I should choose between the littler things in my life. Watercolour or Photography? Where do I put my time and my money for now? Let my non-career life fall into place before I figure out where I fit best in the bigger spaces in my life. I keep on coming back to this point in my journals and my thoughts. Where do I go from here? How do I get there? How do I even start?

I've had good ideas but most of them haven't been followed through on. Some because I'm unwilling to put the work in, and some because they were out of order. So maybe I need to decide between Watercolours and Photography right now and see where that takes me next.