I keep trying to write about our pending car loan pre-authorization and the pending Visa application but everything feels too personal or too vague to put online. We've been debt free (and credit free) for years now but it's always so fucking hard to get approved for credit. So we've been patient, taking our time, living life on cash in a credit driven society. It's a lot simpler and a lot complex at the same time. So many things require a credit card for identification, for purchasing, for ease and convenience. But on the other hand we know exactly what we have and what we can do each month.

It's not from a true desire to live credit-free and debt-free that we do without. For the most part it's because we can't get approved. I wish someone would explain to me how a couple that is debt free, has a rent that is less than 35% of total net income, and bring in a combined gross income of just under $50,000 can't get approved for a lousy $500 Visa. How the fuck does that work? I mean, seriously, how does that work? We go in, we apply, we get a call saying, "we're sorry but your application has been denied". I ask why and they don't know. I check our credit ratings and we're clean.

Then I look around at some of the people I know who can't be given credit cards fast enough. Their cards are maxed out, they can barely make the minimum payments, but here's another pre-approval! I remember my first credit card joint with my ex. We had no income to speak of, just OSAP and his part time job at a restaurant. But here's a $500 Visa, because you're a student! Some of the most fiscally irresponsible people I know have credit cards and we can't get approved. It's a nightmare.

Hopefully we'll get approved for the car loan. I'm so very tired of buses and waiting and hour long trips to get to the dentist and getting rides from relative strangers. I'm tired of planning monster grocery shopping trips so I can get more for the cab fare. I'm tired of feeling like some kind of freak failure as an adult because we don't have a car. I want the convenience and the ability to get in the car, our car and just go. I want to be able to do a market trip every Saturday morning before everyone else gets up for the day. I want to be able to go on adventures -- it's a favourite memory of mine and I want to put those memories there for my daughter as well.

I keep saying we should join the local car co-op because it's more fiscally and environmentally sound, but I really don't want to. I want my own car parked in our parking spot out back. I want to walk out the back door and go out when I want to without the contortions errand running takes on a bus. And a trunk! Oh god, a trunk! I could run errands without carrying everything I get on my back. Oh god, a trunk.

So there's a part of me just praying right now that we'll get approved. Just pleading with the gods to give us a fucking break, we've been so good. I want a Visa to make our lives easier but I want a car so much more. But I tamp down so hard on that part of me because if we get turned down, again, I have to manage and I can if I just don't think about it.

*sighs* And there's the 30 minutes buzzer. Time to go make some soap.