So yesterday I was bemoaning my lack of drive in the morning. I had intended to get up, have my shower and catch a bus uptown so I could buy some lye. Then come home, make some soap and do various little daily things. That was the plan, but instead I spent most of my time reading web boards and being really really slow and lazy.

Somehow that slow morning and average looking day turned into one of the best and most meaningful days I've had in years. I'm still not sure how on earth that happened.

The first wow moment came when I was waiting for my sister to call me back. The phone rang and the display came up "TD Canada Trust", I pick up and it's Floria who is very pleased to let me know that our pre-approval for the car loan has been accepted. We're accepted! We have the loan! We can buy a car! Oh my god! I think I ended up shrieking at my poor loved ones when I phoned them.

The second thing was a completely impromptu decision. I find the way I "screw my courage to the sticking place" is to decide something and then just do it. Don't think about it; just take a deep breath and go. I walked into the law office that's on the way to pick up Sara. I've spent many a red light looking at his sign and debating doing exactly what I did yesterday. I walked in and asked if he handled Divorces. He does and I now have a meeting in early April to discuss it with him.

I dealt with his receptionist and she was wonderful. She put me right at ease. I'm hoping that someone that hires a woman like her has a similar personality. We ended up chatting about bad divorces and I was able to ask her right out "How do I do this? How do I pay? I've never retained a lawyer before, I have no idea what to do or how to do it." She answered all my questions and was just fabulous with me.

And for the first time in a long time admitting that I have been separated for 7 years and haven't started the divorce yet didn't feel like I was saying "I eat small children". It was simply understood that I had my reasons, and honestly it's better that it's been so long as it's now a matter of making the way we live our lives legal. I am beyond the initial stages of hurt, confusion, and anger. It's just something that has to be done and now I am finally in a position to make it happen.

It changes nothing in the way we live our lives, but I think it will serve to emotionally free me from the child I was when I got married. I was 19 years old, pregnant and desperate for my prince charming to make my life ok. So I got married. I was a fucking idiot. All the things I knew were problems before I got married were still problems after. I walked out one September day and I've never honestly looked back. But for the first five years after I left I was barely keeping my head above water, the very thought of finding a thousand dollars to divorce was the equivalent to hugging an anchor. There was just no way.

Now in the past few years my life has stabilized and with that I've had to come to terms with how I feel about a divorce -- what it says about me, how I feel like a failure (very common feeling apparently!). I just haven't been emotionally ready to take that step. And my ex being who he is... he's not willing to pay at all for the divorce or make any effort towards it. Because I'm the one who left, I am the one who should pay. Unfortunately I agreed to this and my word is my word -- I will honour it.

So it's been up to me to screw my courage and make the step. I tried initially with a cousin of mine who worked in family law but then realized that I don't want family in my divorce at all. Then I went to our families' lawyer, Adolf. He took it (after telling my ex that having me pay for it all is shitty) and then did nothing. I called after several months to see what was going on with it and apparently his assistant was on vacation and she'd call when she got back. It's been a year and I'm still waiting. So I've tried with no success.

Walking into that office yesterday was a big step for me. I've made up my mind. I want this millstone off my neck. I want the ability to say in full truth that I am finished with that family as anything other than my Daughter's family. Sara's Father, Sara's Grandmother, Sara's Family. I think that the boundaries that form familial relationships are blurred by the lack of the divorce and I want them finalized. I want to make it damn clear I'm not a 19-year-old child, willing to let the 'adults' around her decide her life, anymore.

To do that I think it damn near time I act like an adult. As I said to Mike and then Susan, the awesome receptionist, getting married was easy -- getting divorced is the most adult thing I have ever had to do. And as much as I feel like a kid no matter how old I get, I am an adult. I am Sarabeth's mother.

Totally not about the divorce/lawyer appointment... the final cherry of the day was getting our haircuts. I made an appointment with a nearby hairdresser to finally get our mop-hair trimmed a few weeks back. I was hoping she would be good because I'm biased towards supporting local small business owners and I know we'd be better about maintaining our cuts if it's only a 10-minute walk away. She was everything I hoped for. I now have a haircut that is lively and youthful. Sara's hair is tidy and long enough to keep her happy. Plus it only cost us $22 before tip!

Yesterday was a super-duper fabulous day.