I spent a good chunk of yesterday prepping myself to make up a Wholesale pricing sheet for SkyWorks. There's been a fair amount of interest in my stuff from various companies over the past couple years and some fairly serious talks with a local business. I've finally decided that I can't continue ignoring how badly my sales have been in the retail end and stay in business. I need to expand into another stream of potential revenue to keep going.

So, a wholesale pricing list. I couldn't decide on an attractive and professional layout and look for it so I ended up looking at the various templates Microsoft offers for Excel. As usual I got sidetracked into looking at all the other templates they had. I found a couple useful ones, like a personal budget spreadsheet and a personal fitness chart.

The chart's interesting. I put in my height, weight, and various body measurements and it gives me back my rough lean body weight, fat body weight and BMI. I think the BMI is total bullshit, but the rest is kind of neat. That you can track your measurements and weight over time is the most useful. I think I may start using it on a every week or so basis. No more because that way madness lies.

It got me thinking about size, weight and self-esteem. I want to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. It was a good weight for me -- comfortable, good energy levels, strong. The weight I'm at now is hard on me, on my feet, my back, everything. I had been within 20 lbs of my goal weight after I moved back from Toronto. (Oddly enough being unable to eat without vomiting from stress for months makes you lose weight! Imagine that! Hah.) Then I quit smoking and gained 60 lbs. According to the little scale I bought a few weeks ago I've lost 16 lbs since I bought it.

I can't tell but I'll accept that. I usually lose about 10 lbs every spring and regain it in the fall. It's just the way my body works.

That's the hard thing about talking/thinking about weight -- it's so hard to keep focus on how my body works. To keep in mind that I'm a German housefrau body type courtesy of my genes and I will never look like my sister, much less the "ideal". I'm ok with that, I really am. I've fought damn hard to accept that I'm who I am, my body is the way it is and I have limits. Ever since I hit my adult height I have never been smaller than a size 15 (cotton ginny) and my biggest has been a size 24. I'm best at a size 18.

That's just my body truths. I can be active (biking everywhere, working as a theatre tech, etc), eat well (according to the Canada Food Guide!) and I'm still fat. So where's the profit, the gain in being dissatisfied with how I look? I gain nothing but self-loathing. Who gains? It's no secret. The diet and exercise industry does. Millions if not billions of dollars are spent every year on changing who we are. It's powered by self-loathing.

I admire the people that diet and work out for their health, and only for that. The people that take joy in the power and movements of their bodies. The people that go to the gym because it feels good. I think I know one. Everyone else I've ever talked to about their bodies use phrases like "I'm fat.", "I'm ugly, look at this gut!", "I have to lose 20 lbs... I'd be beautiful then." and so on. Self-loathing.

I'm no different. If I really focus on my body I hate it all. I hate my breasts, I hate my gut, I hate my thighs, I hate my double chin, I hate the flab under my arms. I hate it all. I hate myself. The fuck? So then the diet industry says "DIET! Count calories! Micromanage your food so you can lose that ugly FAT! You're a fuck up if you're fat! You're bad!" (I once pulled out a print ad for diet pills that literally said if you eat a piece of chocolate cake you're bad. The fuck?) Then the exercise industry says "Come, exercise! It's not real exercise if it's not in a gym! You can't lose weight without a gym membership and you're fat! Bad!" -- And because I hate myself I buy into it. Then I do everything "right" and I stop at a size 15 because that's the way my body works. And then I hate myself and I spend more to beat that "plateau" and fail. Lather, rinse, and repeat.

So I don't even play that game. But because I'm so fixed on not falling into the trap of self-loathing, I'm not sure how to go about getting myself healthy. It's a tightrope.

And that's 30 minutes.