I get far too much of my sense of self from the people around me. It's one of my major issues and something I just don't seem to be able to budge from my psyche. I let their opinions of who I am alter the way I see myself. I question my feelings, my motivations, and my views. I may talk a good game now, but I know deep inside there's this part of me questioning, questioning.

I've been doing it in a big way over Matt, his death, and what we were. We never got a pretty shiny and secure label on it because it kept changing on us. I used to ask him to let me know where I stood, I didn't mind being insecure with him like that. I didn't mind him knowing how unsteady I actually am. Anyways, we never fit some package, pretty box with a bow and we were ok with it. I think in part because even though we both knew core deep that death was right there and could come at any time, we also thought we had lots of time to figure it out.

We didn't. Go figure. The one reality we both accepted as a part of life, is the reality I have to deal with in my face right now. And I'm not doing so shit hot with that. I've been taking my cues off of other people in attempts to find my pretty packaged box with the perfect label and to avoid causing more pain. But in so doing I've betrayed myself, Matt and the crazy mess we had together. We just knew even though it had no more of a label than 'crazy mess' it was something special, perfect and what we both needed so very much right then.

But Matt's gone now. I can't say to him "dude. I feel all freaky stupid insecure." and have him tell me what I meant to him. I deleted my fucking logs so I can't even go back a re-read them. I have to rely on my memory with its fucking holes and gaps. So I've been casting about to the people that knew him to tell me it's ok, that what I remember is right. Problem is, we didn't talk about it much to the people around us. It was our crazy mess, we didn't need anyone else mixed in.

So now that I'm absolutely numb, feeling so very little, I question myself. I question what I felt and how I felt it, if it was real or not. I question what I feel now, because love and care doesn't die, even when the person you love and care for does. I stopped yesterday and actually asked myself if my numbness meant I had been lying to Matt about how I felt.

I was thinking about it this morning as I puttered doing dishes and tiding. And oh my god, I am such a fucking moron.

My primary coping mechanism throughout my life, that kept me sane, kept me alive was my numbness, my disassociation from my emotions. I allowed myself two emotions, rage and fear. I've only started to learn how to feel other things in the past 5 years or so. So my god, how else would I deal with this insanely stressful, painful situation? I have never lost someone I love this much, this dearly to accident. I have never been faced with the brutal reality of one sunny afternoon, joking about life with this man I *get* and he *gets* me and the next afternoon I'm being told he's dead, gone, never going to come back.

I've said a few times that the first couple days felt like I had no emotional skin. And I think if I let some of my disassociation go it would hurt that bad again. I probably could, I mean I learned how to... I just don't think I should. Not yet. My subconscious is much much smarter than my brain when it comes to protecting me (it better after that many years of practice) so I should probably pay attention and let it take care of me.

And I have to stop looking around at the people that knew and loved Matt for my acknowledgement. They had no idea. I did and I have to trust that.

And that's 30.