I quit.

I went to bed last night hurting. I ran into a wall of silence last night and it hurt. So I finally did the smart thing and went to bed, where I lay for half an hour just thinking. Thinking about my friends, about my little pirate world, about where I fit in my life, and where I don't fit. Thinking about walking on eggshells, what to say, what not to say and to whom. Thinking about loyalty and love. Thinking about quitting. Giving up. I thought about suicide for a moment. I thought about my past. I thought about my future. I thought about Matt.

And I quit. I fucking quit. I'm done with trying to figure out where I fit in this new world of mine. I'm done juggling what to say to whom and when and how. I'm done with putting myself out there to get lost in the rest of the noise. I quit.

For a day or two.

Then I'll go back in and I'll keep trying to figure out where I fit and how. I'll go back to keeping some truths to myself because they make other people uncomfortable or put them in bad positions. I'll keep being amazing because that's what I am. I'll keep being "too strong" because that's who I am. I'll keep moving because goddamnit, it's what I do. But for right now, I need to just quit for a little bit.

Because this hurts so much. Very few people have ever understood me. Understood my big fancy pants routines and the small little scared girl inside. Understood that I could be so incredibly accepting and wise and level headed at the same time as being terrified and lost. I don't think Mike understands me that way, he just simply accepts me as I am and that counts for a whole lot. Matt understood me.

My god, the shit I didn't have to explain. What a fucking amazing feeling that was. And it's gone. Fuck me, I had accepted that I didn't fit in anywhere. I was ok with that. I was ok with keeping most of my stuff to myself because of how uncomfortable it made people. I was ok with living halved. I had burned out so many friendships with how intense I can be, that I had just reined myself in and tucked it away.

And I was so lonely. I don't want to be that lonely again. Please god. But I think I'm going to be and I have no idea how to make that process stop. The person who wanted to know how I saw the world, and made me think and made the loneliness go away for such a small amount of time is dead. I can see myself burning out the friendships I do have now, the starting signs are there. What's left for me is to pull my truths back in and make them burn a little less bright. But that fucking sucks. This fucking sucks.

Fuck you, Matt. You made me believe again that I could be a whole person and then you left. I don't know how to do this alone. Fuck you, Death. Keep your fucking hands off the people I love. Fuck you, my shitty shitty life. I'm gonna keep moving but how many times can a human be beaten down before they can't get up again? I fucking quit. I'll be back once I shove myself back into my fucking box again.