The world is coming to an end. An entry on a Saturday. *gasp* I just need to get this down before I lose it. So yesterday, as I was packing up my stuff for my quiet hour while Sara has her swimming lesson a question came to me.

After all the noise from other people is gone, what remains in the silence?

I dance when I hurt. I dance to feel life. That when my soul bleeds I need to move and feel alive. I stopped dancing because I stopped hurting because I stopped living. I once went out dancing every Friday night. I danced until I was soaked with sweat. But I was so alive.

I'm pretty fucking brave. I feel something, I say it. I don't fuck around when it comes to love or appreciation. I love each one of my friends so very much and goddamnit, I tell them. Because shit happens and one day for whatever reason that person you love might not be there to hear you say it.

I think people that use other people are scumbags and cowards. I should know, I was once the queen of the people-using scumbags and I was a fucking coward. I know what it's like to stack the dating deck with sweet, quiet young men who just need a hint of sex and the possibility of being loved to keep them there. They deserve better.

I absolutely loved and knew Matt. We didn't use each other. We didn't know what the fuck was happening to us or why it was there but we both knew it was there for us and we needed to take it for every ounce, every second. And we did. The next time I question this amazing gift I was given, I need to remember our everything conversation. I need to remember that while it was only 3 weeks, we packed a fucking lifetime in there. I need to remember that every single time I doubted when he was here, he told me he loved me.

I've come really far. A lot of the stuff I started as a fake it till you make it routine is now my reality. I still have a lot of work to do, but I've come so very far from the broken girl I once was.

I'm still a petty bitch. I knew just dropping offline the way I did would upset my friends and I didn't take the small steps needed to make sure they wouldn't worry. This smells an awful lot like a 15 year old hollering, "If I just disappeared nobody would give a SHIT!" And yes, I'm terribly thrilled with myself in this. *sighs* I have apologies to make.

I'm blessed with Mike. He sits and talks with me about Matt. About all of it. He just looks at me, at who I am, what I do and accepts it. Accepts me. We need to figure out how to talk to each other again.

I regret nothing.

I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm lost. I'm scared. I'm mourning so fucking hard. I'm alive again. I want to dance, I want to fly, I want to run on the water. I burn really bright when I live and anyone that can't handle that can fuck off. I burn bright because my life has been so very dark. I'm done apologizing for being too much, too serious, too intense. That's me. Deal or leave. I will always love my friends, but not at the cost of my self.

I love myself.

Truth lives in the silence.