Last week as I was dropping Mike off at work, I apologized for how completely useless I have been since Matt's death. He said, "Honestly, outwardly you haven't been much different these past three weeks than you were for the six months before." Me being the cranky ass I've been snapped at him something about implying that my grief wasn't a big thing.

Then I thought about it. I had it wrong, what it's been is I've been in a severe depression for 6 months now. The depression from losing Matt is just another barrel-full to the already huge lake I've been quietly drowning in. All the signs have been there, but I just haven't paid them any attention. The apathy, the thin skin, the increasing isolation from the people offline, the increased tunnel vision on my online life, how hard it's been to get myself in the damn shower, not writing, not reading, not photographing, being so incredibly tired all the time, my emotional disassociation, the list just keeps going.

Shit.

So there it is. I'm severely depressed to the point of lack of function. I am not suicidal, thank god. I just don't give a shit about anything; specifically, I don't give a shit about myself. This incredible apathy.

So what are my options? Go back on meds? I fucking hate the meds and anyways most of my depressions are situational. So back to therapy then? *sighs* I've been trained to do this for myself, I don't need a therp to help me dig around in my psyche to figure out what the fuck's up with my head. Might be nice though to have someone to talk to and to give me a marking point each week.

The time's just running away on me so fast. I keep trying, but by the time I get started my day's gone. Blink and a week has gone by, I haven't done anything that needs to be done. Need to slow that down then.

Simple truth... if you want to make a change in your life, you just do it until it becomes your reality. (aka the fake it till you make it principle.)

So where do I want to end up? This shit's not doing it for me. Matt gave me a much-needed injection of life to my life, but he's gone. Plus, I can't count on anyone else to give me my goals. That never worked with quitting smoking, why on earth would it work with my life. *sighs* Little steps.

Ok. I want to be at the point that I am clean, my home is tidy, and I'm writing. That'll give me my starting foundation to do the heavy work.

So a shower every day, at the same time every day. This will cut off at the knees one of my negative coping mechanisms of isolation. Super easy to say "I can't go out without a shower first!" and then never have the shower. Ok. First thing in the morning. Get up 15 minutes earlier and shower. Every day.

Home tidy. I punish myself for being depressed by allowing my home to get disgusting, then hating myself for my mess, then getting more depressed, etc. I've been not bad about it, it's manageable. I need to tell my family to get off their asses and pull their weight around the home or be willing to pay for a maid to get their share done. I need to get back into the routines I know work for me. 30 minute tidy every day, floors on the weekend.

Writing. I need to write to be able to work through the depression and come out on the other side. I put a lot of my truths here, but not all, and I need to explore the ugly I don't share with anyone. So, buy a new notebook, write in it once a week for an hour. Write in my OLJ daily for a minimum of 15 minutes.

And that's 30.