Just because it's been a while, I hate my fucking back and Sciatic nerve. I went for a walk Sunday morning and shortly before I got home, my sciatic nerve flared. It's been acting inflamed and irritated since then. Making me freak out a little, because if it gets severe, I can't walk and I fly out to DC on Thursday. God. Sitting in a hotel room for this trip because I can't walk is a nightmare -- here's hoping that I can drug it into oblivion and reduce the inflammation before Thursday. *knocks on wood*

I was driving around getting stuff done this morning and I started thinking about my relationship with Greg. I fucked up big time last week, and he's the one paying for it. (Standard Linda has a big mouth situation, but on acid insane.) I've apologized profusely, and meant it, but there's not much that can be done that wouldn't make it worse. How very masculine of me -- I need to find a solution, damnit! FIX! FIX!

*sighs* You'd think I'd learn by now.

Anyways, I was thinking this morning about how it all started out. I was in his crew when I started playing my silly pirate game, but we never really talked about anything personal. After I left the crew I lost touch with most of my crew mates including him. Then a bunch of things started happening all at once. Making greeter, getting back in touch with Greg and his expressed interest in bringing my crew and me into SD. God that was a crazy, crazy time.

What was funny is I developed *quite* the crush. I think that crushes are really not about the person, the object of the affection, really. Not who they are as people. It's more a hint that you'd like to get to know this person; that they appeal somehow on a basic level. Which could be utter bullshit, who knows. I got over the crush, mainly because Matt just blew me away.

And then Matt died. And there was one person that was there all the time with a "How are you doing?" and not the "How are you doing? Please god, don't answer that truthfully." version. I didn't have to walk on eggshells, watch what I said or how with him. I just talked and talked and talked (well typed, to be honest) my way through that hell. There are no words for how grateful I am for that... no words for what it meant and still means to me.

I'd have to say Greg's one of the best friends I've had in years. There's just something about how easy and random it is when we chat in the evenings. It kills me that it's so internet based too. The option of having a beer and shooting the shit in a bar just isn't there.

It's maddening sometimes, these friendships made online. You click with someone, you talk, you hang out, but it's all in some way, false. The ability to hug your friend when they're upset or lost just isn't there, and how much of our relationships with each other on a basic human level needs to involve touch? It is damn near impossible to recreate the quiet sitting beside each other times.

One of the best parts of my best friendship with Susannah in high school was our weekend afternoons. I'd bike over to her place, and we'd chatter a bit, but inevitably we'd end up with me on her bed reading something and her doing something at her desk. Together but silent. I think all my best friendships in my life have included that kind of time on a regular basis. So then what does that say about the friends I make, the friends I care so very much about, online? Do the relationships mean as much as the ones that are physically available?

I just don't know. All I do know is that I make (and have!) friends that I would love to spend the physical time with and I just can't and on a quiet, deep level, it really hurts.