Home from my fairly typical "drove Sara to school and Mike to work" mornings. I usually drop them off and then go to Cafe 1842, buy a coffee and sit and write in my paper journal for about an hour. It's a good time for me. Quiet, alone, nothing to worry about or feel pressured by from any other source than myself.

I started doing it right after I bought my new journal notebook (very cool, hardcover yet coil bound so it lies flat and can be folded over) at Mike's urging. I was so worried that I would lose the memories, specific ones of my time with Matt, that they'd fade away as so much does to the tides of time. Which to be honest they have -- 4 months later. Mike told me to just go and write them down, everything little or small that I could remember. Get it down on paper and it would never disappear completely.

So I did. And for the first month or so, that's all that is in there. Memories. Stories. Then slowly it morphed into my writing about what was on my mind that day, and slowly what was on my mind stopped being about Matt all the time. It's become a routine for me now -- my coffee and writing hour. It's a balm to my incessant sense of urgency. For an hour every couple days, I just slow down to a space filled with my pen, my notebook and my thoughts. It's good.

I'll need a new notebook soon.

Driving home afterwards I had a clear memory of Matt asking me about my photography. The way he kept pressing me to say that it was my passion. I think my unwillingness to say it was a passion was my (now known) depression at the time. I hadn't handled my camera in months by the time Matt asked me about it. I guess the thought was if it was my passion, there was no way I'd be able to just abandon it for as long as I had at that point.

But he was right. It is my passion. I'm not technical about it. I once knew the language of F-stops and aperture and depth of field and sweet spots and... I once knew how to play with the chemicals in a darkroom to end up with beautiful images. Now I just shoot and tweak and play until I end up with something that is simply "good".

I know my ignorance does affect my final image. I know I could be a much stronger artist if I took the time to educate myself about what I am doing when I do shoot. I found some articles in a photography magazine about digital workflow and sharpening. I figure I'll take some time and experiment with the different ways of doing things. I'm kind of excited about it, to be honest.

I like learning. I like experimenting and touching new things and seeing how they work. Maybe that could be my course to try out -- digital photography "darkroom" techniques. We'll see.

*shrugs* Yes, my photography is my passion. I guess it's high time I started treating it like it is.