God, I'm tired.

I started on Zoloft a week and a half ago. I just couldn't shake my depression, the unplumbed depths of my apathy, my general fatigue, how distant I was from everything and everyone in my quiet self. So my doctor and I had a chat and she prescribed Zoloft because it's an energy booster, apparently. And as she said "You don't need to be any more mellow than you already are."

After the first couple days I started to realize that I was really craving my naps. I wanted to sleep so much. This isn't a facet of my depression as it is now, so it was surprising. (I'm more likely to spend an entire day staring at my monitor reading forums and drooling on myself than I am to have a nap.) Now it's all I can think about.

It's taken on the flavour of some bizarre nutcase sexual fantasy.

*thinks of curling up around a hot water bottle and wrapping my huge pile of blankets around me* Oh yes, baby, just like that. *thinks of tucking the edges of my blankets under me so I'm cocooned by them, with just my nose peeking out to breathe* ooooh, ahhhh, thats so hawt! *Passing out* Yes! Yes!

The hell.

Yesterday I led myself around my chores and Need To Be Dones with the carrot of a nap. Get them done; just 30 minutes more and then sleep! Oooh, yes, baby. Then I napped for an hour, woke up, picked up Sara from school and Mike from work, and zombied my way around my evening. Until 10pm when I suddenly woke up.

I'm in hell.

The irony is delicious though. I love irony. The medication I'm taking to relieve my apathy and fatigue due to depression is making me so exhausted I don't feel safe to drive and all I want to do is pass out. Oh, and I'm still depressed. I'm also now clamping down pretty hard on a part of me that wants to freak the fuck out.

Practical says it's been less than 2 weeks. That it's going to take at least 4 before I can truly assess the benefits and negatives of the medication. That expecting something magic and instant is a sure road to driving myself batshit crazy. That it's not unknown to feel the side effects of a medication before I experience the benefits.

I don't care. All I know is that I'm less useful now than I was when I was a weeping, grieving mess and it's not like my responsibilities have taken a vacation. I still have a child to feed and mother. I have a home and a family that I take care of, that's my job, and I just can't. I have an hour until lunch, when I need to feed said child, and I don't know if I'm going to make it without passing out cold on the floor first.

Then I think about the what-ifs, what if the benefits don't kick in? I then have to wean off, wait for it to clear out of my system and try again with something else? Do I potentially have at least a month of this exhaustion? On top of my already considerable depression? What if it gets worse?

Borrowing trouble, I know, I know. I just... I just really wanted it to get better. Not worse. I'm pretty fucking tired of worse. *shrugs* Enh, patience is a virtue I don't have, I guess I get to practice. Lucky me.