I have to say waking up in the middle of the night with the words “Another couple journal entries from you and I’ll be dumping your fatty, whiny ass” ringing in my ears is not the way to start a day. The person that said that in my dream was Mike, but I know where it came from. I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and since it was the initial meeting we covered a good bit of my history. That feeling of not being good enough, desperate to hold onto what little I did have even though it was given resentfully, being spoken to with such distain… oh, that’s Spring of 2000 for sure.

I don’t think about that time much at all, but apparently it left echoes in me that still sound out five years later. It was also the first time since I left Toronto that I’ve sat down with a councilor and talked about myself, my history, my PTSD. I’m glad I did. The depression last year just kicked my ass, even with my training and ability to do it for myself.

My therp is Lindsey. She’s in her mid-40s, I’d say. Legally blind, and very matter of fact about it and direct. By the end of the hour the rapport was fantastic and solid. I think we’re going to have a great working relationship. I only get eight visits total with her this term, as part of my tuition, but that should be more than enough for me. Mainly at this point I just need someone to give me another viewpoint. She strikes me as the type of woman that will do just that, which is a perfect match.

It’s funny, I hate being questioned about my choices and my life by most of the people in it but put me in a therp’s office and I’m open to it. I guess I take questioning personally, as an insult on my ability to run my life when it comes from someone that’s invested in it. It’s something I work on though. *sighs* Just another thing in the very, very long list of things I watch out for and work at in my quest to be “normal”.

So today is stay at home and do things that have been nagging me for months day. I want to preen a bit and get my nails fixed up, legs waxed, eyebrows plucked, etc. Then there’s several mini sewing projects that I’ve been putting off for years. Oi. Plus I need to finish up my daily routine stuff for this morning.

At least we made it to the Gym yesterday. My back is angry at me this morning, but it was very worth it. It feels good to move, even if it’s only for a little bit.

And that’s 15. ;)