So 15 minutes in which I need to type up something of what’s nagging at me inside at the moment and drink an entire glass of water. The water is because I’ve been dehydrated for days now and I’ve been a moron about gasp, actually drinking water. I think I’m going to just set myself drinking goals or something.

I just finished tossing together my work for today’s tutorial class on the Paris Commune (1871) and took a few to mark the readings due for tomorrow’s lecture. There are a lot of readings to be done. I made sure to note the readings due for next week on my little “homework for this weekend” page in my steno pad, but still… I’m behind already.

Well, no, to be fair I’m not behind, I’m more realizing that I need to figure out how to organize my time better and fast. I may have excellent study skills, but they are rusty. So I need to do my readings on the weekend when I have chunks of time to dedicate but then I run into one of the many balls I need to juggle, my home and my family.

I’m having a really difficult time figuring out how to get the quiet focused space I need to read and make my notes and still not rob it from my home time. Sara only really spends time with me from 4-9:30 pm on the weekdays. There is a bit of time in the mornings before school, but mostly that’s filled with my nattering at her to hurry up. So out of 24 hours a day, I have 5.5 available to spend with her. Not that I have to be actively spending the time with her, but I think I should try to be available to her.

But for me to really read for comprehension, I need to be available to nobody except myself. The obvious solution is to do it in the mornings after Sara’s off to school and Mike’s at work. But then it runs into my home routine. The time where I take care of my chores, the laundry, the grocery shopping, my leg waxing, to share too much information and so forth. I can do my entire morning routine in 2 hours, if I don’t drive Mike to work and I just focus and go.

Then I run into the problem of too much focus and go for myself. If I structure my every moment from waking to bed with responsibilities I will crack. Part of my equilibrium is based on having time to slow down, to tell the A-type personality part of me to shut the fuck up and let me breathe for a while. If that’s just walking around Walmart for an hour looking at things and thinking about creating things, or playing grand theft auto, or taking a nap, or (very rarely) going to the gym because I want to and it feels right, or sitting on my porch in the sun, or… it’s just as important to me as school, my family or my home.

So where’s my balance between these things? How do I find it? I achieved balance in between my home & family and my own spaces. How to I balance in my responsibilities to my future as well now?

I don’t know. I need to just fumble my way through, I guess.