I guess this is my real entry for today.

Somewhere in the past week, or to be exact past 4 days my mind & heart shifted. I went from still licking my wounds to a frame of mind where it hurts, but I don't care. It's now small stuff, in perspective... *thinks* I'm not angry anymore, that's what's different.

My life shattered in April... just pulverized. The worst pain of my life, and pain and I are long time friends... my trust destroyed, my faith in others crushed. I walked away. I walked away from my female friends first, because a woman I thought was trustworthy, lied to my face... because I was told "you've survived worse". (heh, funny thing about that is... I'd still take being raped over what happened this spring. That was worse.) I was angry. So I walked away. But I held onto the one that hurt me the most. I humiliated myself. I begged, pleaded... I groveled. Until one day I was told I was a mistake.... and was laughed at. Heh, I don't take too well to being mocked. So, I cleared my debts (of which I am VERY proud) and walked away. I was very angry, I had to be. My anger blinds me but also gives me strength.

A month later, I moved home. I moved home to the men that were some of the first to see me, and love me in spite of myself. I moved home to the little girl who thinks her mom is just the coolest person alive, next to her daddy, of course. I moved home to my sister, who needed me... and who I need. That week, Sus emails me from England... the woman that was the antithesis to my mother's fury growing up... Sus was the one that showed me women don't have to hurt each other and she's coming home too.

I have the room I've wanted for years. My books are unpacked, so are my tapes. I have a loft bed, with room underneath for a desk and computer. I can leave my door open all the time, and sleep without fear. I have the glitter lamp that turns my room into an underwater paradise at night. I built bookshelves with my own hands. In a month, I should have my first comp bought by myself for myself since my 8088. I am single and content with that for the first time in 10 years. I have all this but it was bittersweet... I was still angry, still hurt. I wanted to be missed.... not by the asshole, but by the women friends. I felt forgotten and replaced. I guess I want to be special and irreplaceable. (who doesn't, tho?)

Yet now, I don't feel left out or angry. I'm doing my own thing, for me. I think maybe I DID have to be completely on my own in order to heal. With the help of a few friends I haven't talked to in a while as well. I'm quite sure I'm no where near as together as I'd like. *thinks about falling in love with someone* *freaks out* ok... I'm still burned. :)

So I wonder... after I walk away, is it ok to change my mind later? As long as it's not at the cost of my integrity and what I value?

I think so.

My sister called me. :) We talked for a bit, she's busy looking for work and typical My Sister stuff. I so want to go out with her sometime soon and do something normal and sisterish... I've been gone for so long I don't even remember anymore what it's like to have a sister to do things with. She's kinda like a girlfriend who will never disappear. I think what I may just do is buy a big bottle of Blush Wine, invite her over, rent a couple movies and hang out and get blitzed together some night soon.

So I've been browsing through the other live journals on here... and for the life of me I can't figure out the etiquette with 'friends'... is it rude to add someone who I find interesting without asking first? Seeing as they are a stranger and all? I dunno... I guess I'll sleep on it and decide tomorrow, or something.

Being online so much these past few days has really brought my old self/old life to the forefront of my thoughts... for almost 5 years now I have had the internet as an integral part of my identity... it's been how I've made friends, met lovers, how I lived. Yet I don't want that anymore, and I'm worried that it's going to become a problem once I have my own computer. But then again, I have good friends and good people that are far away from me physically and my easiest form of contact is via the net. Moderation I guess is the key to it all... Balance, how I hate that word. :)

I miss the boys. Tonight is the last show of survivor, and that's something I watched with Mike... amused and talking about the ridiculousness of such a show. I very much doubt anyone will be home tonight to watch it with me. So a date with myself, I suppose. Heh, I have no problems of dates with myself... I just have expensive tastes, so I'd prefer to treat myself to a dinner out, some lovely flowers and a movie. Or sushi... mmmm... sushi... I wonder if there are any half-decent places for sushi in this town? Probably not. Have to wait till my next trip to TO. October. I'll be going in October. :)

So I guess I should go find something soothing in the freezer to cook up for dinner... I think I saw a steak in the deep freeze...mmm steak. And maybe bake some apple crisp. God, I have become such a domesticated little thing... heh, always have been. :)

ttfn

Ok, so I'm obsessed with this thing. :) It's a new toy... kinda like Christmas. I hate being broke, I'd probably take myself out for lunch and a beer this afternoon if I wasn't. Maybe go see my sister and bug her for a few hours. I don't really know what to do with myself when I'm alone.

I'm on IRC, of course... MiC isn't talking (as per usual) and COTSE has become a geek talk land atm. I have no idea how I could keep myself busy with IRC for hours and hours a day without it becoming tedious. Maybe because I didn't remember what it was like to have something more there? I know now, and it's driving me nuts. I'm flipping back and forth from enjoying having the house to myself to wishing I was out camping with the boys and Ryo. Nah, I'll trade in being online for camping, easily.

I can't really decide if I'm pissed off at not being included in the trip... I *was* very angry on Saturday when they left... I hate that left out/ lied to feeling. Now I'm more irked that it's Wednesday, and they were to be home Monday... and it looks like I'm definitely not welcome. *shrugs* C'est la vie, I guess.

Ahhh, boredom...

ta

I feel SO much less guilty now... DLed and am now using AltaVista free Inet access. Now for my own comp... and a high speed connect... soon. I'm obsessing to a degree about getting my very own computer - hell, I've finally done my taxes in order to finance it. And once I do have it... I shall begin creating that web page that's been floating around in my head for the past couple years. And playing Quake... God, I'm in a clan and I haven't played in almost a year... THAT is pretty sad.

In it's own time, I guess... I mean, now I have my own room... have everything I own around me... NOTHING in storage anymore... and it took it's own sweet time to happen. *shrugs* Jeff says I really need to do more focusing on the good things in my life now... and he's right. It just sometimes feels as if I'm still that girl trapped and lost in a city where no one seemed to give a shit.

Anyways... I should do some dishes and general tiding up... plus shower and put something other than my nightgown on. :)

ta

Just trying this out... Who knows... maybe something easy like this will be a good motivation for creating my new site. We shall see.

Life is very strange, you know... just as I look for people from my past, they find me. Sus is in England, yet coming home in less than a month... Jeff is in Georgia, and I'm seriously considering going to visit. The boys are out somewhere with Ryo... and I'm at home doing my usual when I'm lonely and have the no-people jitters... I'm online.

Ahhh, well tomorrow may bring my boys home to me. Been here for almost 2 months now, and I am alarmed yet comforted to find I miss their presence in my day to day life. I shouldn't really be surprised... once upon a time they were my life. Heh, can't wait to see the response to my hair... I am a crazy woman when it comes to scissors and my hair.

anyways... I'm off to game a bit before going to bed.
*shhhhhhhhhhhhhh* (don't tell anyone, but I'm actually waiting up)