I have to remember this because it amuses me and pisses me off all at the same time. We're talking about kids in the soaper chat, and someone just said to me regarding Sara being my only child: "all your eggs in one basket. something happen to that child and your arms are empty. would be so sad"

Holy fuck lady. Just because you have half a dozen kids doesn't mean I want that many! Also, my daughter isn't a fucking EGG, she's a CHILD, a HUMAN BEING. She's not here on this earth to keep my arms full! If I lose Sara, my life will be emptier no matter if I have more kids or not. Fuck. My child is not alive to make me happy, or fill my life. She's alive because she's alive. If she makes me happy, or proud, or anything it's a goddamned blessing.

So, yes, faceless stranger in a chat room, it would be VERY sad if my daughter died. It would destroy my life. But, it would destroy my life no matter how many children I have because Sara is an amazing, beautiful person who deserves the best life can offer.

So take your Only Child Is Bad crap and eat it.

a bit later...

I've read my last entry about a dozen times now, and more keeps coming up to me.

Do people really view children like that? Like possessions? Like Pets? Like something to keep them happy? Like a thing? I cannot comprehend this. At all.

I found out I was pregnant when I was 19 years old. I had my life planned in a nice orderly fashion; go to Ryerson, move to Vancouver, make a life as a theatre tech. Those two pink lines shot those plans to hell. I considered abortion. But I just couldn't do it. So the day I ruled out abortion was the day she was real, alive and a person in her own right. I have never wavered from that, even when she was this annoying ball of flesh with no personality to speak of that just ate, cried, slept, shit and pissed. She was a person. She was Sara. First.

I'm not a good mother. I'm a good mother to Sara, because we've figured out what works for us in our relationship. But I hate kids. I don't have the patience for them, I don't find them cute or fascinating. I much prefer people that know who they are, where they're going and what their history is. The older my daughter gets, the better I can relate to her and vice versa and finally I'm having some fun with this whole parenting gig. But that's on a Sara & Me basis. I'm not about to try again and hope I suddenly become super-mom. As I always say, One kid from this body is more than enough for this lifetime.

So why is this wrong? Why is it strange that I know that I suck as a mother and don't wish to compound my suckiness with more kids? Why is that complete strangers think they know better than I do about what I'm skilled at and what I'm not? Are they threatened by the fact that I can acknowledge my own choices about my body?

About a year ago I told Mike that I was 100% sure I never wanted another child. I also told him that if he wanted kids, he should start looking elsewhere. He stayed, and now he's the first one to say that Sara is enough for us all on her own. Yet it's been said to me that I am denying Mike kids.

I wonder, how many women out there just wanted one kid or two? But didn't say "No, that's it. No more." because of this type of commentary, this pressure to conform? My body is mine. I chose who touches it, I chose what is done to it, I chose what happens to it. I'm not denying anyone anything, I am in charge of what is truely mine.

As Sara is in charge of herself. Her body is hers, her mind is hers, her soul is hers, her love and warmth and generousity is hers to share or keep. I gave birth to her, and the minute she breathed air she belonged completely to herself. It's my job to teach her how to survive in this world, to protect her and provide for her. Yet, that does not give me the right to treat her like a possession or expect her to give my life meaning.

My daughter is a beautiful, gifted and intellegent individual, and if I treat her as anything different, then I have failed as a parent. I don't think my daughter will think of me a failure as a parent when she's my age. I hope. :)

I wonder what egg lady's kids think about her?

So I spent about 3 hours making up a crappy page to showcase the soaps I have made so far. There's been some interest from potential customers, so the page was needed.

I hate HTML. Give me the code, ask me to clean it up some, or maintain a site through templates? Not a problem. But making a page from scratch makes me want to pull my hair out. I used coffee cup for the first bit, just to get myself rolling, then switched over my best friend: notepad.

Anyways, Anyone want some AWESOME soap?