I just finished brushing my teeth for the third day in a row. Ok, this is gross, I know, but I've never had a decent personal dental hygiene routine in my life. Basically, I'd brush when they got gross, see my dentist get the cavities filled, repeat for years. So three days in a row not after a dentist visit is remarkable.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact the house is clean and I'm building a routine. Man, does it feel good. I've been getting up, making my coffee, feeding the cat type beasts, and then getting into this tidy/dishes routine. Since I've been waking up fairly early, I'm done waking up and the dishes by 9am. I actually did dishes in 10 minutes today, I can't remember the last time dishes didn't take over an hour to do.

*Yawns* 4pm slump, right on time. Maybe a shower would wake me back up. I've had a good productive day today so far, which is very nice. It seems like lately all I've been doing work wise is paperwork. On one hand, it's great to be able to maintain my own accounting, but on the other when I spend more time in one month doing my books than I do making soap, there's a problem.

I finally got to make soap today. Blackberry and a new batch of After the Rain. Two batches, because I only have two molds. THAT is frustrating. I'm backlogged on restock soaps to make and new scents to try out, and I'm limited to two a day because of the molds. But, After the Rain for some reason goes through saponification like crazy so I might be able to make a third batch tonight.

~*~

There's this thing going around called the June Journal SMACKdown! and seeing as I'm a DCW, I should probably play.

Today's topic is "How do you think other people perceive you?"

Honestly… I always see myself as this annoying, attention seeking, demanding, and horrible person when I try to imagine how I am seen by others. Insecure much? heh.

I know where that comes from tho. In '98 I spent a lot of time going in and out of hospitals, and different therapy programs. Summer of that year I entered the PTU program in Whitby. That program gave me the BEST ever therapist, and some of the worst group therapy experiences of my life.

One of the exercises I had to do as part of my therapy was to isolate behaviours I wanted to change. It was suggested that I go around the PTU and ask my other therapy-mates (I guess) what they thought of me. I have to note that asking a bunch of people with behavioural and mental issues is not the best way to get an accurate impression of yourself.

Anyways, I ended up with a 2 page list that boiled me down into the most obnoxious unlovable person alive. Everything about me was unacceptable. The way I dressed, the way I talked, the way I WALKED for heaven's sake. Logically, I know that I'm not the hideous person that list made, but it's what I was told the time I did ask people how they perceived me and that's hard to forget.

I don't ask anymore. I'm endlessly curious about how I'm perceived, but I really don't want to know. So I think other people perceive me as an annoying know-it-all most of the time, and I remember a conversation I had with a friend in January.

We were talking about people we liked and didn't like and she said when I first started hanging round she didn't like me. I asked her why, and she replied with "At first I thought you come off as a know it all type......but when I got to know you I realized you really DID know what you were talking about....not just pretending to". I hold onto that like a life-preserver when my own sense of self isn't enough to keep me afloat.

So I got up at 7 this morning because my hip was hurting, had my morning coffee, chat with the girls (Auda and Jen), and started to wake up. I actually started getting really excited at the idea of having a good normal workday. Start at 9am, finish at about 6pm, and see what I could achieve in 9 hours.

Then the phone rings and its Sara's Dad. Somehow I hadn't been told that Sara had a doctor's appointment today at noon. So much for the solid workday. But the wonder of my own business is I can set my hours, right?

The doc appointment was about potential ADHD in Sara. Which I personally think is bullshit, but I'm willing to jump the hoops if it means it can be ruled out completely and I never have to listen to another teacher inform me that my daughter should be drugged. Well, rather they can say it and I can say "She's been tested, fuck off".

The part that is really sticking with me right now is when we started talking about us, her parents. (That and absolute respect for this doctor, he ROCKS.) See, for me, school sucked. I was bored all the time, or there were things I just could not understand no matter how hard I tried. Every report card I have says "Not reaching her potential". I hate that phrase with the fire of a million suns. Guess how thrilled I am to see it all over my daughter's report card now. heh.

So back in Grade 3, I refused completely to do any work at all. I thought it was stupid and not worth my time. I spent my time instead daydreaming and writing "head books" (long epic books written and read completely in my head). Finally the school decided I *had* to be retarded and had me tested.

The Results: IQ - 154, Reading level - gr. 8, Math level - kindergarten. They threw out the results because it wasn't "possible" for someone to have such a range on their scores. My mom and my teachers never told me about these results until I found them in my mid-teens. I just always assumed that my ease with language and how impossible I found math to understand meant I was stupid. Case closed, stupid.

After I found those scores and started to realize that 154 is a really damn high IQ score, it actually made it worse. I couldn't figure out how I could have this number, this scary number, and still not get *everything*.

So back to today, I told Sara's doctor about my personal history and why I have a diagnosis of PTSD. Then we discussed my school history. After I told him about that testing and results, he said most likely I had/have a severe learning disorder with math. He also said that having an IQ that high in a child can cause tremendous problems for them in school.

I'm sitting here, 2 hours later, still blown away. I'm not stupid. "Too smart for my own good" I always like to say, but I never truly believed it. I guess I have to now, eh? Acknowledgement, from a man I respect and I trust with my child. Cool.

I feel weird writing about this. I've always known that my head processes stuff really fast, and when I get something I GET it. But it's always been something quiet, and kept in my head. Most of the time I don't realize that I'm different from a lot of people in this. Then occasionally it hits home and I realize just how not average I am.

It's something to be ashamed of, I think is the message I've picked up. It's dirtier than talking about money, this talking about being smart. You can be it, just never mention that you are. Well, I'm smart. My brain takes things in and gobbles them up and asks for more. I sometimes call it my sponge.

I've ended up with this amazing complex about it too. I know just how fast I can learn new things, except math. Certain things it takes me months to understand, and I get so angry with myself during those times.

Ahh well. I have some tattered remains of my Monday workday remaining. Might as well do something with them.