I ache today. Ironic considering last night I wrote an entry all about making my dreams come true. Today I ache. Missing people, moments, of a life past. There's something empty inside right now, and it aches. I sit here and I want to cry, not a heartbreaking cry, just a mourning.

I miss Jay. I miss Jenny. That's what it comes down to. I catch these fragments of their lives now, the blessing and curse of being online. If you want to find, you can. Just little moments. I do it occasionally, poke around and see. Sometimes I wonder if the people finding A Place to Fly by searching for "Linda Gallaher" are doing the same thing. Looking for the moments in my life now.

Today, looking at those moments of lives I'm no longer a part of, aches. I miss so much. I miss fish and chips and teasing at Bill's on a Sunday morning. I miss tea and long talks. I miss having best friends that could see me, always. I miss the one person that looked at me destroying myself and asking "What the hell happened to you?", and he KNEW who I was, where I came from, what my basic truths were.

I was the one that walked away. I was the one too angry to bend, to see more than my own pain. I was the one that burned bridges. I had to, to heal and learn how to take care of me. That's what wisdom says, that I needed that at that time. It's cold comfort now. Now that I want to share… share who I am now, what stability I've found, share that my choking need and desperation is gone, I look back and see a bridge I don't know how to rebuild.

I'm sorry.

I just finished watching Crossroads. From the day my sister sat my music snob ass down and made me listen to Britney Spears' first album, I have really enjoyed her. Enjoyed her music, her enthusiasm, and this little girl that loves what she does. So when I got the chance to watch Crossroads of course I went for it.

Fluff, of course. I don't expect deep meaningful discourses on life from movies marketed to teens. What I found instead was something sweet, something remembered. Same thing I get from Britney's new album. Which makes sense as the movie has the same music/theme as the album. The journey from girl to woman, learning to make your own choices, exploring the world, being hurt, making mistakes.

I tried once to explain to a group of people why I like this young woman as much as I do. The absolute hate and anger I heard in response floored me. I think I understand it now. I was watching this movie and there are two girls there. One is acting, having fun with it, yes, but it's not a love affair. Then when she sings, she glows. I watched a young woman absolutely in love with what she does.

One thing I've been seeing around me recently is this jealousy/resentment of what I do. I can't comprehend it at all, but it's there. I love what I do. I love all of it. I wouldn't be surprised if *I* glow when I'm in my zone, playing mad scientist crossed with insane artist, creating art that people use. I'm not blind, I know that my opportunity to do this is rare… that most people don't have the option or aren't willing to take the risks to find the option.

That's what I don't understand. I think when people ooze their resentment of my "luck" on me, they don't see it all. Just the perks of being my own boss. None of the downs. Nothing of what I did, survived to find this piece of "luck" at 27. So, I watched this young woman glow when she sang, obviously loving what she does and thought about it.

I don't think the anger towards her comes from her "poor role model", or her "shaking her tits", or "can't sing", or…. I think it comes from resentment. That this girl is loving what she does and making good money from it. I think it comes from only seeing the outside trappings and never knowing really what happened to get her there. What price she pays every day to keep doing it.

Do I know? No. Only thing I know is joy like that comes at a cost. A price, that honestly, I don't see a lot of people willing to pay. Much easier and cheaper to resent, to hate, to say "if only" or "what did SHE do to deserve it?".

I can't answer for a young woman that I only know vaguely from the songs she sings. I can answer for myself. What I did was I dreamed. I dreamed of a life worth living, every single day. I dreamed of something to get up for, something mine. I dreamed of a life without terror, without pain, without doubt. I dreamed of me happy.

I made it happen. I'm making it happen every day.