See, I knew if I let myself get out of the habit of writing an entry every couple of days, I'd let writing slide for weeks at a time. It's been a busy couple weeks at that. Well, my kind of busy that is.

Laundry is washing, and I have an hour or so to kill while I wait. I want to do some painting today. The painting on the board right now is a couple weeks old and not my best. I should stretch out some paper and get it started drying before I get into writing an entry. Ahh well.

There's been something that I've been meaning to write about for a week now, but haven't because of 'politics'. Heh. The weekend before last, I went camping with the boys and well... it sucked. I realized a lot of things about myself, my relationships, my wants and needs, and that's a good thing I guess. But for the first camping trip in a year, I just wanted to have a good time. Self-realizations can stay home.

I can't even think of what point it started to go sour. Maybe it was as early as the night before when I discovered that the campground we wanted to go to was booked full. I left a message for the boys, with the suggestion that we use it as an opportunity to try somewhere new. The rest of the evening was spent calling back and forth with different options. Something that came up was that there was an Ikea midnight madness sale that friday, and that plans had been made to go. (Just to clarify, plans had been made to go camping 2 weeks in advance and until my initial phonecall on Thursday there hadn't been discussion about that weekend at all)

I stayed up that night to make a checklist of what to bring, what we had (most of the stuff) and what we needed them to bring. I walked Sara to school that morning and on the way back home, went to the corner store to get water and other things for the trip. I started prep and pack for the trip at 9am Friday morning. Which for me is late. I prefer to have the car completely packed and ready the night before, so that when it's time to go it's just a matter of the cooler and ourselves to get in the car. By 2pm we were completely ready to go and just waiting for the call from MG that he was coming to get us.

We got to the boys' place around 4pm after doing some shopping to get random needed things. Standard packing chaos. Much of which had me holding my list, and saying "No. we have that."... the list wasn't used by them, due to some miscommunication as I understood it. I think the kicker of that part of the trip was when they couldn't find their tent. I suggested a couple times that we should come back to my place and get my other/smaller tent for them rather than all of us sharing my big tent. That idea was vetoed on the basis of wasted gas. I should have insisted. *sighs*

So we get to the camp site about 7pm and get to setting everything up. Standard debate about what goes where and why. The next irritation was setting up in my tent. RH wanted to sleep across the doorway as "there's more room there" and I kept saying "no. I get up to go pee in the middle of the night and I will trip on you." Finally I just left it and went to set up the kitchen tent area. Through the fabric walls I hear "Fine. I'll sleep here. Because of Pol-i-tics." Somehow I ended up feeling guilty.

Ok, enough of the blow-by-blow entry. Basically the entire trip was filled with lots of tension and stress. I spent most of it with a raging headache because I don't like to get mad, but I was mad almost non-stop. I got teased endlessly. Everything was a production and a power-struggle. I was very much a part of it, I'm not saying I was lily-white innocent, but fuck, it was hell.

Something that's been bothering me about it ever since was the teasing. It's a tradition with the people around me, apparently. Always, and I mean always when I'm out with a group of people that have known me for a while they will start teasing me. There are no words to describe how I feel being the brunt of the fucking non-stop jokes. Apparently "You're funny when you get mad. You turn bright red!" is a good reason to mock, hurt and anger a 'friend'.

Ok, I do turn bright red when I'm angry. I can also turn very violent. Anger makes me want to lash out and beat the shit out of what is making me angry. I've known this about myself as long as I can remember, and I have also worked on controlling it for the same amount of time. I have a vicious temper that I control amazingly. That bright red shouldn't be amusing, it should be a warning to back the fuck off and that maybe, just *gasp* maybe you shouldn't DO THAT.

I don't get it. Part of my control of my temper is to attempt to let it slide off my back, not to let it hurt me. That's what it really comes down to, is I am hurt. I am angry because I am hurt and I want to protect myself from it. So, why is this a tradition? Why is it ok to hurt me to anger me for your amusement? Why? Would it be so funny if I cried instead? If I hadn't been trained by years of abuse to respond to cruelty with anger rather than visable hurt?

It's not funny. That last question makes me see it even clearer. If someone responds to what should be a gentle tease with visable anger, then you've gone to fucking far and you stop and you apologize. Mike pointed out that I apologized a number of times that weekend and never got the same in return.

I realized a couple years ago that I play these roles in people's lives that have nothing to do with who I am or what my life is or has been. That I am this cardboard statue pulled out when needed and heaven forbid I be anything else, like, oh, I dunno, me?

Ahh well. Out of writing time.

I'm watching Japanese commercials and these are beyond hilarious: Nick Cage, Baby!

I figure I'll write an entry, just to keep in the habit, and then start on my day and my home. I'm hurting for my caffeine fix something fierce. Mike made coffee last night and used up the last of the cream, and I used the last of the milk for a late dinner of cereal.

It was a pretty good weekend just past. Friday I went out with my mom running chores. I finally got Sara a full-size laundry basket of her own. It's the third we have of that style, but that's good as it's easy to figure out when we have enough for a laundry room trip. (a couple inches above the top is just right to fill both washers) I did a little pricing of a bookcase for her as well, but it's too much for right now.

Ultimately I want to re-do Sara's room completely. Give her a smaller but nicer bed, a proper bookcase and new linens, some curtains, just basically turn it into her room, rather than the crash pad it is now. It's going to cost about $500 or so, but it's worth it. Just means we can't do it all at once on a single month's pay.

When money is budgeted and planned, it always seems like something else unexpected comes up. Like the fundraiser for 3WA. I pledged some money, and I keep my word, so Sara's room is being pushed back another month.

There's a voice in my head (and was said to me) that we have savings, and I could use that... but I know that is a bad idea. We've been "saving" for almost a year now with no savings to show for it. It's just way too easy to consider the savings money as just spending money in another account. I keep saying to myself that we won't ever be able to buy a car if we never have a down payment there and that anyone that suggests that savings are for spending can bite me.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, this weekend. Friday was slow and easy after Mom dropped me back off here. Late Saturday morning we got a phone call from Richard wondering if we were still on for an outing. I had figured that we weren't doing anything and I was going to check out my tents. The boys came over to help with that.

One of my tents I've never seen set-up. I bought it at liquidation world about 3 years ago now for $20, tried to set it up that summer and realized that the shock cord in one of the poles was snapped. Haven't looked at it since. A conversation I had with the Boys at Sara's Gallaher birthday party sparked the idea of fixing the tent and seeing what kind of tent it is.

After sitting around and chatting for a while we went out back into the massive backyard my building has (and we never use) and muddled our way through getting it set-up without shock cords to hold the poles together. It's a huge dome tent. Probably considered an 8-person tent. Which means it'll fit my little family of 3 with all our crap, very comfortably.

After we got the tent set-up we ended up sitting in it and chatting for at least an hour, maybe 2. We discussed camping, of course. See, I'm crazy about camping. I love it. The yearly camping trips are the hands-down best memory of my childhood. I think it's a wonderful way to vacation with a child, and spend some quality time with friends as a teen or adult.

So hopefully Me, Mike and the Boys will be going camping in a couple weeks. I'm looking forward to it. One of the things we talked about in the tent was a bitter memory from last summer. We were having dinner at my Mom's place, all of us, Mike, Sara, Mom, My Sister and me. I really want to go on a family camping trip at some point with everyone, so I brought it up. What I intended as a basic information/planning discussion devolved into a fight about schedules and nothing happened.

I don't want this year to be a repeat of last year. I'm ready to go, I have most of the equipment, I can afford it easily, I just need a way to get there and hopefully someone to go with me. Mike G teased me that I have all the equipment and no way to get anywhere with it. Bittersweet truth. I hope to god that we have a car next year, because I don't think I can be patient much longer.

Ok, I've been avoiding clean up with this for a couple hours now. I go and be good. heh.

I actually got a fair amount of tiding done yesterday. I potted the rest of my plants for this summer's porch garden, then swept up the mess from that and organized the chairs. Now that I don't smoke anymore, there's no smoking inside for my guests. So the porch needs to be a reasonably nice place to sit and visit. I should remember to someday write an entry about quitting. I did it all 'wrong' but somehow I'm quit and know all the way to the bottom of my soul that I am an Ex-Smoker.

So, I have 15 minutes until Mom comes to pick me up. I realized this morning that I didn't feel complete with the presents Mike and I are giving to Sara. I know I'm spoiling her rotten, but as I said in chat this morning, she's an only child of a mother with poverty issues.

I grew up fairly poor, and it's interesting to see how it's touched every part of my adult life. I've only been above the poverty line for a couple years now, and I'm just now getting used to having money. One of the best parts about it is being able to give to Sarabeth what I couldn't get when I was her age. I refuse to buy her toys or candy crap, she knows this and accepts it. In exchange she gets a fairly generous allowance each weekend she's here with us so she can buy her own toys and candy crap. :)

There's enough people in her life willing to give her another barbie that I feel it's a waste of money and time to try to match that. So I give her things like new clothes, science kits, music, books and anything else that doesn't fall under the toys & candy crap heading.

I think the thing I wish I had gotten the most is new clothes. I had a lot of new to me clothes, or handmade clothes. More than anything I always wanted clothes the same as my classmates had, from Sears, or the Bay, or Zellers, or... but we couldn't afford that. I understand it now, but at the time all I knew was that I was different and poor. So to give Sara a new outfit for her birthday, for Christmas and a massive new clothes trip for Back to School is a gift to myself.

I've been realizing lately that the kids I thought were 'rich' when I was in school, really weren't. (With the exception of the girl that was given a miata for her 16th birthday. Hah!) Most of them probally had parents that had ok jobs, enough to buy a house and meet the needs of their children without the excess I used to imagine.

I think the perspective comes from being in an income bracket that was beyond my imaginings not 4 years ago.

Many hours later...

Ooops, forgot I had an entry going. Posting now. :)

I realized this morning that using MT for the news and journal pages is breaking my frameset. I should probally just switch over to using templates and CSS to set the top navigation menu. That means I'd have to teach myself how to do that... ugh.

Laundry's in the dryer now. Got a good early start on it. I'm thinking that if I do some of the chores I may go uptown to the local art stores and price/buy some watercolour paper. It's my new 'thing'. I'm insane about my 'things', especially now that we have money. The last one was making beaded jewellery. I don't think I've touched my beads in months, but through most of the winter I was making a necklace a night.

Part of that was keeping my hands busy during the worst part of my quit. I don't know if I actually like jewellery making for its own merits. Heh, well it's not like the beads will go bad.

So my new thing is Watercolours. Actually it's a fairly old thing for me. I bought super cheap watercolour paints, paper and brushes as a self-gift for my 26th birthday. Then I never touched them. I think I was intimidated by the idea of me... painting.

I'm not sure why I started this time. Oh, I know. I was in my slump, watching Dawson's Creek on TBS for 4 hours every morning. One day I decided to organize the boxes of random crap I have tucked at various points throughout the house and my watercolours were in there.

So I've been slowly teaching myself through books and just slapping paint on the paper. I bought better paints a couple weeks ago and now I'm itching to get better paper, or at least a block of paper so I don't have to stretch the damn stuff out.

It's 9am and I should be getting started on my 'schedule', my self-inflicted strict routine. Over the past month or so I've been trying several different ways of creating some motivation for myself in regards to my home and my business.

The current one is less strict than the last but still has every minute of my time between 9am and 5pm accounted for. Monday is one of the most sane days, with a lot of personal time worked in, but there's just not enough flexibility for unplanned things. Like a pile of dishes that is currently eating the kitchen alive.

I started all this scheduling in response to my complete and absolute apathy I sunk into starting in December. I had to do something, but I still haven't found the something that works longer than a week or two.

I started out with a schedule broken down into hourly chunks, without any me time worked in. That lasted maybe 4 days. Then I added in a lunch hour. That lasted a week. Then I broke it down into just a number of things to do each day without the hourly schedule and that's the one I'm avoiding right now.

I think I swung too hard the other way. But I don't know what else to do. There's so much stuff that needs to be done for both my home and my business each week. I can't keep doing this though, I really need some type of balance.

There's also the little thing of my feelings towards SkyWorks right now. I don't care. I do, but I don't, but... *sighs* It's become a shorthand here. "Christmas". Basically, I worked my ass off all last fall to prepare for the Christmas Rush. Which never came.

Mike and I have talked about it over and over again. It's just a thing that happens in business. Projected sales don't match the reality, no big deal. But for me it's been a really big deal. It was a major trigger in my not really giving a shit about my life for months.

I guess it was because I put so much of myself into SkyWorks. Then realizing that Mike had been right all along when he said that sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you work, you may not succeed. That I had actually tried, but it wasn't enough and then knowing that I'd have to keep doing it and failing to get to where I wasn't failing anymore. I couldn't handle that thought so I just dropped everything. I didn't quit, but I sure as hell walked away for a while.

I'm back, but I haven't decided anything. I still don't know if I should quit and find something easier than running my own business or start that process of trying my best and risking it not being enough again. I'm still figuring it out as I go through the motions.

So I guess maybe I should keep to my new schedule, at least a little. Go have my shower, maybe do some of the dishes and make a batch of soap. Or something. I just feel that I'm missing my bounce and I don’t know where to find it.

About a week ago now my computer chair died. The Pneumatic lift doesn't hold anymore. I've discovered that if I sit on the very edge of it, it won't inch down. But, of course, I'll settle back into a comfy position and *bump*bump*bump* down I go.

I've been doing some online shopping for a new chair and it looks like it'll set me back about $200 to get a semi-decent office chair. I want one that tilts. I almost never sit in my chair straight and proper. I must tilt at all times, tilting chair or not. :) I guess I'll have to hit my mother up for a ride to the various office supply stores next week.

I wonder why the chair died now. Maybe it's just that it's old and abused. Maybe it's a weight thing?

I've gained a lot of weight since I quit smoking. I'm now back near my pregnancy weight. Considering that my only child is turning 8 really soon, it's been a long time since I was this size or weight. It's just crippling my self-esteem right now.

I've always been a 'fat girl' and had all the torments, catcalls and self-issues that come along with being one. My smallest size since I reached my adult body was a size 14 when I was 14 to my current size 24. Somewhere along the line I realized that I would never be a slim young thing and managed to deal with my self-image.

How I miss that feeling right now. A feeling of "I don't give a shit what you think I look like because I'm OK.", the ability to go outside wearing anything in my closet knowing that I look good. Now? God, I don't fit into anything I have in my closet anymore.

That's the hardest part. When it hurts to squeeze into clothes that fit me perfectly 2 months ago, or even a month ago. When the brand new jeans bought in December are a joke in Febuary. I gained 50 pounds in 2-3 months. The only thing that changed was quitting smoking.

I'm really proud that I managed to quit an addiction that had me beaten down for years. But sometimes I wonder if it's worth the cost to my self-esteem. The self-loathing is back full force, to the point that I think about cutting off the fat with a knife.

What I realized last week though is that I don't hide or hate when I'm home. I'm in my safe place and I don't think about my clothes or how I look. I'm not alone when I'm home, either. I have my family, my friends over. I realized that I hate the way I look to strangers.

Strangers are cruel enough to "Hey FATTY! Nice tits!" on their own for me to do it to myself on their behalf. Also, the majority of people are completely worried about their own lives to notice that I have a belly.

So, I've been doing a lot of self-talk and trying to work myself out of the body image panic I've been in since the insane weight gain started. I think I need to stay the hell away from mirrors and buy some more clothes for my current size.

Anyway, I want to go out with the Boys today and drag my little family with me, so I should take care of my floor chores (Sweeping & Vacuuming) before Sarabeth gets back from Mass.