It's Thursday already. Time just keeps slipping away from me so quickly. Mike and I have talked about this sense I have of time speeding up more and more the older I get. He thinks if I spent time somewhere where I would have to interact with people more, it would slow down again. I think he might be right. As it stands it's as if I blink an eye and a week is gone. I know that I don't have any less time than anyone else, but I can remember so clearly being in school and every minute was an eternity and just how different it is now. I would count down the minutes in History class on a scrap piece of paper.

I think living on a monthly pay period adds to it. The last couple weeks in a month are always a state of waiting for the next paycheque. Not that we don't have savings, but it just seems like we're always waiting. Heh.

I want to paint our walls. I want to make them a rich burgundy colour to go with the amazing fabric I bought back in May. We can't really afford to do that right now, but I still want to. It's mainly the work involved. If I want to paint the living room, there are so many things that have to be worried about. We have both of our computer desks and all accompanying hardware, plus the TV then all the various pieces of furniture. I still want to paint.

We came to the decision earlier this year that we were going to settle in here and make it work for us for the next 5 years or so. We're to the point with our books and CDs and movies and stuff that we can't ask friends to move us anymore. I think the last move was a bit too big itself. So I don't want to move again for as long as possible. I want to make a home and stay here. I'm so tired of moving. I've moved my entire life. I think last count was 29 moves in 26 years. We've been here now for 2 years and I'd like to stay longer.

We may not be able to do that if the trend we're noticing keeps up. Since we moved in the upkeep of the building and grounds has just plummeted in quality. Used to be that the floors would be mopped, the carpets vacuumed, the plants watered and so forth, once a week. Every Monday. Now it's anyone's guess when the spill on the stairs will be mopped up. And the plants? I think I'm the only person who waters them. (I hate to watch plants die) Not to mention the noise/age of the tenants.

Not to be student-ist, but kids are noisy. I think Mike has written about the past couple weekends with the idiots down the hall a few times now. Simply put, it's been a couple parties in what we're guessing is a non-smoking apartment. That's the only explanation we can figure for them to have people going in and out (and SLAMMING! Boom! the door) every 5 minutes. Plus the party seems to continually end up in the hallway. I hate listening to strangers laugh and talk... when I'm on my couch, in my living room, with the door closed while my TV is at 20.

Plus, they're at the furthest away apartment from us on this floor. We share no walls with them. So the first weekend I ignored it best as I could (from about 8:30) until it was 11:30pm, then I went out and yelled. I have way too much of a temper and I had had it. Mike says someone swore at me. I didn't notice. Then last weekend they did it again. Less of the party in the hallway thing, but lots of door slamming. Mike called the police after a couple hours of that. I'm wondering what this Saturday will bring.

Ahh well. I love kids, really. I love the fact I have always been so focused on being a good neighbour in this building. Worrying about the comparatively small amount of noise we make and then we end up sharing a floor with the rude fuckers. Yay.

I want to work some more on SW today, but I'm not sure what I should focus on. I've made 4 batches of soap so far this month for the restock, but I need to pick up some more baskets from Dollarama as my drying "racks". I may go and organize and count stock as prep for the big sale. I did accounting yesterday because I got the scary threatening letter from the tax people. Kind of funny considering how much I feared them when I started the business.

I'm not going to make soap, It's already been a bit of a clumsy not-going-well type of day, and I think playing with highly caustic chemicals is just tempting fate. And that's 30 minutes.

1. Who is your favorite singer/musician? Why?

That's a hard one. I don't have a favourite at the moment, not in the way I used to have favourites when I was younger. NKOTB! ;)

2. What one singer/musician can you not stand? Why?

Same thing. I don't have anyone I hate, probally because I limit my exposure to music to what I like and prefer. I'm not a big radio listener so I get very little exposure to annoying musicians.

3. If your favorite singer wasn't in the music business, do you think you would still like him/her as a person?

See 1.

4. Have you been to any concerts? If yes, who put on the best show?

Yes, but not until I was in my 20s, which sucked. I have to remember to send my daughter to concerts when she's in her teens. I think the best show had to of been Barenaked Ladies. It was such a high of fun and joy from both them and the audience. Plus it was a "hometown" concert for them and it showed.

5. What are your thoughts on downloading free music online vs. purchasing albums? Do you feel the RIAA is right in its pursuit to stop people from dowloading free music?

My thoughts are reflected in my actions, actually. I will download songs/artists that are mentioned to me, or I'm curious in and listen to them, but if I find that I want more of the album I will go and buy it. I think the ability to download and listen to music without having to pay $25 for the CD has made me buy more albums than if I didn't.

I think the RIAA has the right to enforce copyright which is being abused, this I don't argue. But I also think they're morons.

30 minutes will bring me to 11am, well just past 11. It's raining outside today, for the first time in what feels like months. It's a true turning of the season to me. The rain is cold, and uncomfortable. I've always loved the rain to walk in and enjoy, but this turn of the season rain always sucks. I walked Sara to school, as is my routine this morning and was soaked to the bone by the time I got home. Note: Don't wear khakis in a soaking rain. They become somewhat see-through and slightly embarrassing. Hee. :)

There are two photo Memes this week as usual. There's "Season Change" and "Found". I went through my stuff this morning looking for new/old photos to use, but came up empty. I think I could get some great shots if I went outside for season change, but I hate risking getting the camera wet. (And me wet again, heh). I may anyways, who knows.

It's a slower day today. I don't have a soap to make since I won't work on the weekend (so I wouldn't cut the soap that made today, tomorrow.) and I'm deliberately forgetting that I have a shitload of non-soapmaking work to do. I want to do all the webpages in advance for the sale. So that it's just a matter of uploading the local copies on October 1st. Plus there's always the accounting and the way past due taxes. I just haven't done my books in months. I don't want to know in detail just how bad the sales are. Ahh well. I'll do this entry, find some shots to catch me up with my memes and then see what I should get done today for SW.

I was thinking on the walk back after dropping Sara off that I've started to enjoy walking. I've always hated it and found it inefficient. Walking takes too long to get anywhere, and for the same amount of energy you could bike somewhere in a quarter of the time. But since I have no real choice but to walk everywhere right now, I'm finding some enjoyment in it. I won't walk for the hell of it, though. The very idea of walking to walk drives me nuts. I have to have a goal or something I'm walking to so I can enjoy it.

Our lack of a car seems to be such an issue all the time. It is for me at times when I realize just how much a pain in the ass it is not to have one. But most of the time we manage. We could manage the expense of one, but at various costs that we don't need to pay right now. Plus we'd only be buying one to make it easier to get groceries, go camping, other shopping and various running around that is monstrously insane without a car. All good reasons, yes, but are they worth the crazy costs of a vehicle that *isn't* needed daily?

Sara started her dance lessons yesterday. Not only is it scheduled right smack dab at our normal dinner hour; it's just that tiny bit too far to walk to. A 30-minute walk. So we take the bus there, but because of the change they made it ends *right* when the last bus before the schedule switches to each hour leaves. So we get out of her lesson and then have to wait an hour to catch a bus to take us a 30-minute walk away. Figure that one out. *sighs* It's a joke. We've been offered a ride home from one of the dance teachers on the days she's going home, and I really appreciate that, but I seem to have a stupid independent streak. I don't want to have to rely on a relative stranger for a ride each week. It feels both like we're taking advantage of her and that we're not managing to take care of ourselves. Gah, I don't know. I'll take the ride and offer gas money because she's helping us out and it's great and I'll deal, but I'm frustrated.

Doesn't help that the discussions between my ex-MIL and the teacher included the line "I spoke with Linda this morning and she would not find taking the bus on Thursday nights quite as awful this year as it was last year." Quite as awful. Like I'm some prima-donna that doesn't want to take the dirty bad bussy-wussy. No, It's a matter of not wanting to spend two and a half hours running around, fucking up a schedule that my daughter responds wonderfully to so I can take her to an hour lesson. It's inefficient use of our time, and I resent having my time spent for me.

I think part of it is a car-owner mentality. I was once one of those folks and I remember. An hour lesson would be a matter of 5 minutes there, drop her off, go do errands or even come home then go back, pick her up and 5 minutes later be home. Even if I were sitting there for the hour it would be a commitment of maybe an hour and 20 minutes. I would have no issue with that situation, I can't think of anyone who would. So the translation is if they don't have a problem, why should I? It's so easy to forget what it's like to not have that option.

When you're faced with 4 options to a situation like an 8:15 bus home. One is wait, stand outside for an hour in whatever random weather and get home 20 minutes after quiet time begins. Second is taking a cab. I did the math on that one and a cab once a week for the term would cost us more than the lessons. Yeah. Third is walk, it's only 30 minutes tops... in good weather. When the snow and the ice and the slush come it's not an option at 7:15pm. Finally there's getting a ride from some kind-hearted soul. Which is what we'll do. That and take a cab home when she's unavailable. Which in my experience usually ends up with a "So, why don't you just get a car?" conversation sooner or later.

And we will, sooner or later, but things keep coming up like my teeth or my physiotherapy (so I can walk, HAHAHAH!) or back to school or the vet and all of that is out of pocket, which is a whole other rant for another day because that's 30 minutes.

A thirty minute free write, something I haven't done in almost 2 weeks now. It's funny, I spent so much time setting up the new PtF and I walk away from it like usual. Ahh well. I've been busy, somewhat. I'm not one of the people I admire who can sit down and write these amazing, long entries each day, full of thought and insight. I find that unless I get to it first thing in the morning, I won't. Especially if I'm writing something more than a quick "check this out!" entry.

Life's been full this past while. I've been adjusting to the new life of mine. Having Sara 90% of the time changes so much. It puts a schedule there that we never had before. We eat at a certain time, there are things that have to be done by 8pm, and after 9pm it's my time. Time I fill with various bad TV. Like Paradise Hotel. Pure crap, but I love it. On twice a week and it fills my desire for serial, frequent garbage television.

The new TV season is starting up this week with Survivor tonight. I'm looking forward to watching a Survivor from the start. I can't remember if I started at the beginning of the very first one with MG when I lived with them. That reminds me, I should give the boys a call. I'll put it on the To-Do list.

I've been living off my To-Do list again. It makes my life a lot simpler. Each day gets broken down into tasks I want/need to do and I erase them as I complete them. Nice and clear and simple, a great way to feel like I actually achieve something in my day-to-day life. Lately I've been working on SW and getting that back on track. I've made a couple batches of Soap so far. Pumpkin Spice, Tea Tree & Clay and Night Sky. The Pumpkin sold like crazy last year, I wonder if I can make it sell the same way this year.

I wish I could get back into chatting and posting on boards. It's great advertising and inexpensive promotion of my business and myself. I just don't have the patience. I read the judgements and the labels and the general viciousness that is out there and I don't want to play in that particular sandbox. I prefer my very quiet, insular life. But being quiet and insular has murdered my business. You can't be an online small business without being personal, I don't think. Ahh well.

There's a new Kitchener Market opening within the next year, I think. I want to find out about it and seriously look at it as an option for SW. I need a physical storefront, I think. I can't afford it though. So who knows? Take it as it comes, and right now I need to make stock so I have something to sell when I re-open after the sale. The sale is planned for October. The entire month with all old stock clearing out at 50% off. I was considering taking it down to $2 a bar, but the US prices would be way too scary low then.

I took down the entire tutorial a while ago. Instead of the standard demanding emails I've been getting for the past 2 years (Make me a tutorial for WordPerfect!) I started getting I'm SPECIAL! Emails. People that wanted me to email them my tutorial because they really really needed it. Fuck me. Since I put the damn thing up for the soaper community I was part of I've received hundreds of emails and maybe 10% was a thank you for my work. The rest were people that believed that if something was offered free it somehow equalled a willingness to work more to give 'Special them' what they need. Uh, yeah.

I think I've just become tired and jaded really. I look back at how much I would write and share and do just because, and I realize why I ended up being so tired all the time. So so busy selling myself cheap to everyone but myself. And now I'm not doing that. I do my stuff on my terms and timing and it feels pretty good. I've been getting my teeth taken care of, going to physio and simply putting my life first. Part of that is I'm becoming even more rigid than I used to be. I've lost a lot of my spontaneity. But I'm gaining stability. Even trade, I think.

You can see it too, actually. If you look at my home it's tidy and easy now. Not the insane chaos it used to be all the time. I can do my "30 min Tidy" and be comfortable about a stranger coming into my home. My garden looks like shit and needs to be cut down but that's waiting for first frost. There's a nest of paper wasps out there and I don't want to disturb them. Getting stung is not my idea of fun.

At some point I want to make the pillows I've been planning for months now. I bought this gorgeous fabric to use as a starting point and it's been hiding away in my linen closet while I planned on buying a sewing machine. I should just go buy one and be done with it. Heh.

So many things, getting them done one at a time. I have all these plans for our place over the next couple years. I want floor plants and a new TV stand. I want new curtains or maybe dye the ones we bought. I did half the window in our bedroom yesterday with that cheap fake stained glass. It looks cheapo and fake but it gives me the privacy and the light I wanted without the curtains I hate.

And that's 30 minutes.

It's been a busy week so far. Had a fight with my mother on Thursday about the things I wrote about in a previous 30-minute entry, spent the last weekend of the summer with Sara and a day with my sister. Who has requested that I make her a little more anonymous. She has reasonable concerns so I complied. The find and replace function in Moveable type is amazing. Heh.

So we're right smack-dab in the middle of the first week of school, and the first real week of my having Sara 90% of the time. I'm so very paranoid that I'm going to mismanage my time and be late to get her or I'll simply forget that there's a new routine. You wouldn't believe all the notes I have around to remind me to pick her up after school today.

I think if I manage my time well enough I may go just before it's time to get her and pick up season 2 of CSI at HMV. Angel and CSI Seasons 2 were released on Tuesday and I really want to get my paws on them. I said I'd wait until next Monday, but I really want something to watch right now. We broke out the CSI Season one last night to watch an episode while we had dinner. I like that series because for the most part each episode is a stand-alone.

I had a really good talk with my sister on Monday about things. She reminded me about the reality of who we are and how our lives are and that I really can't change anything. I can just decide to let it all slide or I can keep getting angry and frustrated. I just don't know. Ahh well.

Nothing real interesting coming out today, heh. I think I was reminded again why I'm not terribly open in my OLJ. People will use it to find out dirt. I come again to the question of why keep an OLJ anyway. Did you know that moveable type tracks the various searches done in the activity log? I know that someone has gone through searching for their name and I find it funny.

I just don't really want to write anymore. I don't want to have my words taken out of context and used as a weapon against me and mine. I don't want the responsibility of someone else's life. I don't want to be told that I can't talk about my past because it's shared with someone else and therefore I am talking about their past as well. A past they don't want public in any way, shape, or form. I just don't know what to do.

I've been online since December 1995. I've been a member of countless communities. I've been the only woman in a highly respected Quake Clan. I've been a CM for an IRC channel and op in god only knows how many other channels. I've been loved, hated, admired and despised online. And of course, ignored. Being on a computer, connected to the rest of the world like this has been such a major part of my adult life.

I've been here so long now that I wonder why I stay. I wonder what I'm doing here. I wonder at how I am sitting talking about boundaries and it's implied that by my having an OLJ I don't have any. I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that I feel like I have to conform somehow to this ideal Internet user. Someone who checks their email and then goes and does something else. Hey, that's great, but that's not my life.

Where do I put my stuff then, if I don't write it here? Do I attempt to train my hand back into paper journals? Do I attempt to figure out how to and where to write out my life? Or do I just go back to saying nothing? Or accept that sometimes people read what they know they shouldn't, and that's their problem, not mine. That asking me not to call someone by their name in my public journal is a reasonable compromise.

Hah, look at all the angst. Forget this. I don't need angst today. I need a cleaner home, some laundry done, to finish up the dishes so I can cook dinner tonight. I want to go get my paws on some good television on DVD so I can watch it as I wish. I want to live my boring, private life a bit more this week. 'cause last week sucked.