I have just a little over 30 minutes left on the timer for the Pumpkin Nut Bread in the over right now, so I might as well use this chance to do an entry for today. Heh.

I've been so cursed this past couple weeks. I find that I occasionally get gremlins or cursed for stretches at a time. Periods where nothing seems to go right, and even if something does there's 3 other nuisances piling up behind that single ray of light. This used to depress me a bunch. Now it's kind of funny.

Well not really funny, I still get twinges of "Why even TRY?" feelings when I have a week like this past one. It's as if each day that I get myself motivated, get myself moving and working and into my groove and then I get cut out at the knees. I haven't had anything major today, just that the zipper on my fall/winter jacket broke beyond repair. It's the same thing that happened to my last jacket. So I need to go jacket shopping sometime really soon.

So my list of visits from my gremlins this past week have been:
• A soap that I've made many times, each time with a note that says "No Problems" suddenly curdles in the pot. Finally I unmold it on Monday and it's lye heavy. Its in the garbage now.
• Two days spent stressing about a party and associated drama via MSN which is stress inducing on itself.
• The phone we ordered to utilize our call display is on back-back-back order so we need to go to my favouritist place in the whole wide world! -- Fairview, to buy one.
• While making up some new stock body butters, I use the new glitter in the Jasmine Sparkle. This glitter is heavier and impossible to keep suspended so I whip air into the mix creating a soft, unusable mousse. Into the garbage they go.
• I make a batch of Sandalwood soap, using up the last of the FO I have on hand. I put it into the oven to go through gel stage, realize the light has burnt out and decide to just boost the heat a little by turning on the element to 150. 2 hours later I wonder why the oven is so hot, I mean I have a wood mold in there... and I've cooked my soap and the mold is coming apart at the seams.
• Cutting the Sandalwood Soap I realize I may have cooked out all the scent.
• My printer will not print colour anything. Nothing. The colour cartridge is half full and worked fine the night before it died.

There's more little things but it's to the point now that I don't want to make more soap simply because god only knows what will happen next. I'd probably trip while holding the lye water and burn my cats and myself. And it's always the weeks that I have insane to-do lists that the gremlins come to visit my humble abode.

So I got basically nothing done this week even though I worked my ass off. I think I may have even created more work for myself. All I can do is laugh. My life has always been either an intense drama or a farce, and I choose to see this past week as a farce. There have been good things and new toys for which I am grateful.

I received a card from Claire, the dental hygienist I freaked out. It's a lovely "thinking of you" note and she sent it the same day I sent my "Thank You for being patient" cards so it's not in response to that. I'm never ever ever going to another Dentist as long as I live. I swear.

We also got a new phone. It's such a toy. Speakerphone, Call Display, Directory, mute, hold, etc. We've been talking about getting Call Display for over a year now and we finally got it. I'm so thrilled. I'm buying the old answering machine from the boys tonight for $5 so we can get rid of Call Answer as well. $8 a month for a service we never really use is a rip. Also in the toys department I bought a new space heater. We luv it.

Gah, I really hope my Pumpkin Bread doesn't burn and kill us all.

That's so not 30-minutes but I'm done for today!

Happy Halloween!

Taking the time to do a 30-minute entry this morning before I start work. It's been a busy week so far, with very little getting crossed off the to-do lists I made up Monday night. Two and a half pages of things that really should be done by next Monday. I'm delusional if I think that's going to happen.

Today I think I should work on the site for SkyWorks. I need to jury-rig the old site to make do until I get breathing room enough to work on the new design. I want to have something there with the new sections, soaps and stuff by Saturday, so that leaves very little time. I also have some things that didn't get finished yesterday; the bath teas, reminder emails, stuff for the 3WA auctions. Lots to do in a short amount of time available to me today.

I was thinking about what I should write about on my walk back from dropping Miss Sara off at School this morning. And of course, I can't remember what it was. All I can remember is the road line painter truck cruising by and just how cool I think that is. Heh.

The big thing that's been on my mind this week is the upcoming Halloween party that the boys are throwing tomorrow night. Originally it was going to be something small and simple, because the themes have just gone insane over the past 11 years. I threw the first Halloween party when I was 17 in the basement of the townhouse. I put gels over the track lighting in shades of green and red, hung branches filled with fall leaves from the ceiling and had everyone I could think of come. I think I was "Dead Girl on Her Way to Her Prom" that year. Inspired.

The next year I was in my first apartment, a basement one with a long stairwell down. That one was "Descent into Hell" with red lights, streamers, balloons and (this was hilarious) a Cabbage Patch Kid, naked, on a moving spit over a "fire". I have good memories of that one. And as I say that I remember the usual drama with R & Ro.

The next year after that one was at Ro's place in Toronto and I remember sleeping on the roof beside my friends that night. I don't remember a theme. I remember this was the first time I announced to the world at large that I was pregnant with Miss Sara. The boys already knew, but not the rest of the group.

I think I made it to at least 2 more Halloween Parties between 1994 and 2000. The 2000 one was the first time Mike met my friends and it had morphed into this insane production. There was a stage constructed with lighting and sound for a full "pageant". It had gone from a silly little party to something intense and scary. I haven't gone to any since then until now.

So I'm dreading this Party. I don't have a costume (I can't even find jeans, costume is so not happening), I'm coming late because I need to take Sara Trick-or-Treating, and I'm not karaoking. There's one person in the group who can either be fun or a massive bitch and she loves to make little comments. I'm just dreading her comments. But the thing is I'm 28, I have a child I'm responsible for, I have a business in a state of flux this week, and I wasn't told details about the party within a reasonable time frame for me to juggle it. I have reasons for not being an actor in the show that the Halloween parties have become, and I expect them to be respected.

*laughs* That's my party line, but I know what's going to happen and why. We've been a group since the middle of High School and the way we interact is highly reminiscent of that beginning. I can hope though.

And that's 30 Minutes.

Monday Morning. Spent Saturday with the boys and Sunday doing lots of nothing. I'm never sure where to start my week on a Monday. It's one of the downfalls of working for myself, there are very few things that aren't flexible and movable. So I have few needs to be done right now pressures on a Monday. I have to work out the week as a whole rather than a day. Heh, I guess that's my Monday job, then.

I know I need to finally cut the Coconut Crème Soap that ended up being a mess last week. It's hardened up enough to cut, I think. I also have some more batches to make up, if this batch isn't salvageable, it'll be three in total. Plus I really should make up a few body butters for the sale at Sara's school. That's next week and has become an annual thing for SkyWorks to do.

So in preparation for that I should also really get my order in for some business cards so I have some to give out at the sale. Plus 3WA is having their annual Craft Fair upcoming and I want to sell some things on both personal and business levels. I guess it is just time to make up some to-do lists and slug away at them.

Hrm, I'm not finding anything to write about this morning. Certainly not enough to fill a 30-minute entry. I guess things are pretty settled today for me. Nothing big and dramatic, nothing of particular note, nothing really bothering me. *shrugs* Can't complain about that, really.

I have 2 more things to do for PtF then I can go start my workday. TvFH and the Monday entry to the photoblog. I also need to get to a grocery store and pick up the few things I need for this weeks dinner plans. Heh, this entry is all about the things I need to do both personal and professional this week. So I'm going to stop forcing myself to find something to write about, post this nattering and get started on the stuff really occupying my mind. See if I have something better to write about tomorrow then. ;)

I'm really trying to get my journal and photoblog entries up to at least one a day during the week. For the most part this just means taking the time to sit down and type for half an hour or so. I find the morning is the best time to try to do this after Mike's left for work and I'm back from dropping Sara off at school. It's quiet me time and really the only thing I have to deal with is my own demands on my time.

It seems like it's been install new things week. I just installed and tweaked up GAIM so I can run both ICQ and MSN at the same time. MG wanted to chat about domain names last week using MSN but I didn't have it running. It interesting to realize just how many instant messengers there are nowadays. I remember when ICQ first hit the market.

I've been thinking about patience this week. Mike once said that I have very little patience with other people. It's really stuck with me and bothered me. But the more I think about it, I don't think it's a bad thing.

See, once upon a time I was a patsy. I was the walking joke of whatever group I would become part of, the one that everyone picked on. I was so desperate for attention and affection from the people around me I would take whatever scraps of attention they would toss me. One truism I've learned from that part of my life and myself is that people are essentially selfish and they give only what they have to, what you demand. Not saying that people are bad, just that if you take the shit handed out without complaint you will never get anything better. Or "Demand respect to get it."

I knew this at an intellectual level for the longest time. I knew that I was accepting it and in part was responsible for their actions simply because I allowed them to do it. But I just couldn't do anything about it, I needed that attention, I needed to be seen -- I needed to exist to anyone, even as someone to treat like shit because I didn't exist for myself.

Finally I hit bottom -- that spring three years ago now. I finally realized that I was worth more. I finally realized that if I could fight to survive, I could also turn that power around to fight for self-respect and dignity. I realized this past week that I've achieved it. I've become someone I respect highly and I am willing to accept nothing less than the best anyone has to offer me. The very idea of demeaning myself or game playing just to gain a scrap of acceptance makes my skin crawl.

One of the things I've had to work very hard on is my absolute fear and loathing of conflict. I hate being actively and openly angry or frustrated with anyone. It puts my stress levels through the roof, and I do everything I can to keep those low. But conflict is a part of life, is a part of relationships, and is a part of being human. If there is no open conflict between people occasionally, there is definitely hidden conflict. Simply because we all see life differently, it's what makes the world interesting.

So I've tried to not hide my frustrations, I've trained and become slightly more skilled at addressing my frustrations within my relationships. Some stuff I ignore because the cost in conflict is higher than the perceived gain. Actually, I frequently ignore stuff because of that. So when I address stuff, I expect to have it treated as something of importance that needs to be resolved or at least discussed. I'm pretty clear about how I do things as well. I'm not a game player, I don't do the passive-aggressive dance, I'm damn clear about what I'm angry about, and why.

What's funny is I used to be a really good game player. I used to take great pride in how I could manipulate people. Now I find it shameful the way I treated people that cared about me. What it's given me though is a clear knowledge when someone is trying to manipulate me. Or the occasional realization later that I have been played. That's pretty rare though.

Anyway, as I was saying before I have very little patience with people. Some of the things I have no patience with are game playing, manipulation, or passive-aggressive bullshit. This combined with my absolute inflexibility on the sanctity of my home and my well-being makes me very picky about the people in my life.

As I said to Mike this morning, I'd rather be absolutely alone than be with people that don't understand or respect who I am, what I stand for, what I expect and what I give in return. Anyone that is a friend of mine knows without doubt that I will never be violent in action or in words. They will also know that this is the core of who I have worked my ass off to become as an adult. So if someone was to label something I did as "a scathing verbal or written attack" it would just conclusively show that they're no friend of mine.

I just finished a batch of Coconut Crème and for the first time ever with that soap I had a visit from the soaping gremlins. It started to curdle after I added in the FO, which could lead to total separation. I have no idea what would have caused it. There are a few factors like heat, or the FO or even the coconut milk I added. I put it into the oven (great place to put the soap while it goes through gel stage and solidifies, it's warm and free of drafts) and I'm going to ignore it for a few hours. I hope to god it doesn't separate. I hate trying to figure out where I can get rid of a mush of highly caustic semi-soap and lye water.

I'm so not going to make the ideal date of November 1st as my launch of the new improved SW. Most of the soaps won't be cured until mid-month, I haven't spent any time on the redesign, and it's just not going smoothly. *shrugs* Been doing this long enough now to realize that that's just the way it goes in this business, and probably most. Not like anyone really knows what I want to do when I'm finished except me so there's no expectation there.

Oh, absolutely awesome thing yesterday. I, on a whim, checked out PayPal again to see if they had lifted the requirement of a Credit Card to use them. They had and I could sign up SW for an account! So I did and right now I'm just waiting on my bank account to be confirmed so I can say officially that I accept PayPal and through them Credit Cards. That should really help business pick up. I'm really excited about it and it's given me ideas of what I want to do with the redesign.

I think I'm going to use CSS in the redesign. I have a tenuous grasp on the concepts and it really does seem to make it easier to change design while keeping content static. I have some ideas but it requires finding some quiet space and time to get right into the code and the... zone. Hee. Maybe I'll take some markers and one of my sketchbooks with me to Sara's dance lesson tonight and do my prelim sketches.

I've fallen behind again in my changes I've been trying to make with my life. I haven't focused on the schoolwork at all this week, partially because it's time to do the "Key Questions" which are little essays and even though each entry of mine here is like a mini-essay I'm still intimidated at the idea. I think once I'm caught up with the soapmaking and product re-stock and the website redesign I'll figure out a workable daily routine. Right now the soap is taking focus because I really want them finished and available soon.

I may move the redesign/changes to December 1st. Not sure. *sighs* I thought a month would be enough time but I overextended myself again. We're still getting used to the new routines we have with Sara being here. I keep forgetting that I don't have a full 9-5 day anymore. I have to be out the door at 3:15 or so and there's no work that gets done when Sara is home after school. Then it's time to practice "Word Wall Words", math and finish up homework.

Ahh well. Once I edit and post this I have to go back and make another batch of soap. Or perhaps I'll do what I usually do when visited by the soaping gremlins. I go do something completely different. I do have a pile of movies due back tomorrow that I haven't finished watching. I've really enjoyed one of them, The Italian Job and it's going on my To-Buy list. It's just if I only do one batch today, it leaves 2 more that have to be done tomorrow. I still don't know what my 12th standard stock soap will be. The votes are pointing at a soap that simply does not sell, at all. Most of the others are a solid link between sales and votes.

I used to be all determined that I would never be like the Body Shop and discontinuing favourites. I thought I would keep making all the items I ever sold just so they would be always available. I've realized that people really like to say, "Keep that one!" but then they don't buy it. I've also realized when I threw out another batch of soap that has sat there and rotted on the shelves that I can't afford to do that and stay in business.

I figured out a solution though. I'm going to keep all soaps available for full batch purchase. If it's someone's favourite soap, then they can order a batch made just for them. I'm going to try making a half size batch (1.5 pounds) and see if I can make it that small. I don't see why not, and it would make it a bit more cost effective. Not half the price because no matter the size of the batch my time is the same and the most expensive ingredient. I don't think fragrance oils go bad and once I have a bottle in stock, it's in stock until it gets used up.

I'm still debating how to do the massage melts. The foil and plastic baggy was a short-term option and it sucks. I'm considering putting them in the same containers as the Body Butters just because it's cleaner and more convenient to use. I'm also wondering if I could find mini-chocolate bar molds and do it that way. So that someone could break off a piece each use and then tuck it back into whatever packaging I figure for that. We'll see, it's a problem I'm tossing around.

I also want to get some E-wax so I can make some more of my heavy shea lotion. Damn, the buzzer scared me. That's 30 minutes.

So. I cried in the chair of my new Dental Hygienist today.

I'm in no way a good dental patient, but I don't think I'm the worst either. I'm extremely sensitive to pain, I metabolize freezing faster than the average bear, I am mildly needle phobic, I get very tense and I can slide into panic attacks. Visits to my Dentist are experiments in self-control and the strength of my equilibrium. There's the giving up of my control, the definite pain and the feeling that I'm going to choke on my own tounge.

Part of why I'm this fearful of the Dental experience is an asshole Dentist I had as a child. Back then I was fully phobic about needles to the point I wanted any work done with only topical anesthesia. So that day I told him no needles and closed my eyes. The next I opened them all I saw was a big ass silver needle coming towards my mouth. I whipped my head to the side and he stabbed his hand with the needle. He then grabbed my face and screamed at me "You little shit! You are going to take a needle and shut up!" I refused to go to the dentist after that until my teeth were literally rotting out of my head.

I got a referral to Dr. Cameron back in '96 or '97 I think. He's been my dentist ever since because he simply rocks my little world. He has been consistently patient and understanding with my anxieties for that entire time. Because of that I've become more capable of staying calm. He pointed this out today and complimented me on it.

Today was a big appointment, 2+ hours for everything on the left side of my mouth -- fillings, some polishing and a cleaning. I've never had a dental cleaning before so that was a bit anxiety causing in itself coming up on the appointment. We decided to do the full deal because I'm so touchy with the needles and this way it would only really be one, maybe two sets total. It was a good plan, and I still think it is, but I really didn't take into account my difficulty with new things, especially new things that cause pain. Hah.

The first half went really well, me zoning out as best I could with my discman and relaxation exercises. Still not my favourite thing to do on a Tuesday morning, but workable. I was supposed to get a second needle to top up the freezing before I went into the cleaning, but Dr. Cameron forgot and worse, I forgot. So I transfer over to Claire's room to meet her and get my first cleaning done. She explains to me what is going to happen, shows me her tools and I get settled.

Dear god, that ultrasonic tool is a torture device. I notice at first a little discomfort but that's standard for me there. Then she went to the upper section and I don't remember what I did, but all I know was my panicked response of "Get that the FUCK away from me. Get me the fuck away from that." I think I shoved my self back and up on the chair. I immediately started apologizing and saying that I needed that second needle. She went to get the needle and Dr. Cameron after assuring me that it was totally ok, she understood.

I guess he was busy with another client, understandably, so the wait was a bit longer than Claire expected. She then did a bit of probing on the right side, to check the work that needed to be done next time she explained later, but all I thought was that there was no freezing on that side and I just burst into tears.

It was all just too much. I didn't expect the type of pain cleaning entails, and I was already stressed out from an hour of standard dental work. It was a new person, an new procedure and just plain scary. I'm not surprised I started crying.

What surprised me is how amazing both Dr. Cameron and Claire were with me. I knew he was good with me, but this was just phenomenal. It was more than the willingness to have me cancel the rest of the appointment to their financial loss, more than what they said; it was really the atmosphere that it was ok for me to panic a bit.

So it sucked. And it was wonderful to have that level of patience and understanding.

I'm burnt out badly by it. I don't cry in public, I rarely cry at all anymore. My stress levels are way too high, so I'm going to finish taking care of the 'need-to-be-done' stuff and then curl up with some movies for the rest of the day.

It's been an odd day so far today. I've done some overdue things, some work for SkyWorks, got really angry and insulted, washed part of a wall, edited several pictures and started packing some more orders. They all tie into each other somehow, in interesting ways.

I think the best part so far has been playing with iTunes. Mike said that it was great to organize music with. I figured I'd give it a try and see, and I'm in love. I've been listening to my music so much more than I have in months to rate and sort through it all. There have been songs I forgot I had that are favourites. I really like that it lists the total songs, disk space and time to listen to all of them.

I had a great outing this weekend with The Boys (they hate being called that, but it's easiest and relatively anonymous). We spent the entire Saturday together going to a car auction then a miniature show and finally the jewel, Ikea. It was just MG and I for a good chunk of the morning at the Car Auction and waiting for R to meet up with us back at their house. We ended up in a talk about the disastrous camping trip this past summer. I'm not even sure how we got on the subject, but it morphed into a huge discussion about how we function together as a group. Also responsibility for how we interact with each other.

I was pretty insistent that he had hurt me in his continuing to tease me after it was obvious I was upset. He had some good points there too, and I was too wrapped up in being right and proving my point that I didn't honestly take account of myself. He was right. I did go into the weekend with a bad attitude and I didn't make it clear what I needed to re-balance myself. I do get less reasonable and clear when I'm angry and frustrated. None of this takes away from his responsibilities to rein in his teasing when it's not funny anymore, or any of the other things he did to contribute to the tension. But I'm adult enough to take account of myself and admit when I was wrong. So I think I need to email and say it.

It was a good discussion. We stood in the backyard, freezing for most of it, me tucked away under my gaudy purple umbrella and just hashed it out. It's interesting how much we change as we grow up and how much we don't. I could always have the good talks about life with MG, if we got there in our roundabout way. It was different with R, sillier. We can go either way, wonderful silliness or we can be sandpaper on each other.

It was a good day. Cramming a couch into a Ford Focus already filled with 3 adults was insanity and I didn't think we would manage, but we did. I got some more plants. They're beautifully coloured and shaped. It was good to get out of the apartment and away from my precious yet stifling routine. I'm glad I have them. They've always understood the need to escape and adventure the world.

One of my best memories of them is the weekend they stole my Silver E. (Silver E was awarded on graduation for extraordinary Extracurricular involvement. It's one of my prized possessions.) They came to the apartment I shared with my baby and husband at the time, grabbed the Silver E and left a note that read "You must come out with us if you ever want to see the E again!" I, of course, went out. I don't remember what we did; I just remember the note and the way they knew I needed to escape somehow. This weekend was a repeat of that. I needed to escape for a day, and boy they had a day planned. Busy busy. Gave me the breathing room to rebalance myself oddly enough.

Now I'm back into my week and the routines that keep us as a family moving. One of which will be a daily 30-minute entry. And with that, the bell goes saying That's 30 minutes.

Boy, it looks nasty outside. Grey and cold and windy. All the people I see walking are bundled up; hiding under hoods and scarves. Fall is really here and moving fast. The leaves that work as our curtains during the summer are falling off now. I noticed it this morning when I looked out and saw the lit windows in the building across the way. I'm glad I finished my fake stained glass on the bedroom windows already.

Had a visit last night from a neighbour talking about this past weekend and the children. She's also been calling the police and the landlady. That was quite the discovery, that the landlords knew that these parties were going on last weekend. Why?

Because my landlord stood in my home yesterday and said things like "If we had been told we could've stopped this before they broke the door. I had no idea that they were throwing parties all the time." She hinted very clearly that somehow we were responsible for the property damage because we didn't phone them as well as the police. And I did start feeling guilty a little! Double-guessing myself about why we didn't call them.

I know why, because they do shit around here. You have to threaten them with lawyers, the tribunal or moving out before they do anything. We've learned over the past 2 1/2 years that it's easier to just do everything ourselves when it comes to this management. So of course we'd call the police and not them. The police do and did something; they're still just wandering around lying. I feel no guilt anymore, actually I wonder if she's pathological with her lying.

~*~

I woke up early again today. Around 6:30am. I used to really like getting up in the early morning when I was in my mid-teens. It was so peaceful and I could pretend that the townhouse was all mine. Now I think of it more as less sleep. I find that when I get up, I'm up. No chance of getting back to sleep until mid-afternoon, when I have places I need to be.

I was going to start AquaFit today, but part of the huge pile of mail was a FedEx notice saying that they'll be by to drop off today before 1:30pm. They're dropping off a payment from a new customer. On one hand I do appreciate that this person takes my "payment is due within 14 days" seriously, on the other I hate that I have to scrap my plans for the morning if I don't want to miss FedEx. I could sign the little "leave my parcel anywhere you want" box, but that's just tempting theft and fate. I hope the delivery guy isn't one of the jerks that never buzz or knock, they just leave the note and disappear.

*shrugs* I'll go to AquaFit next week.

I realized that part of my grand plan to revamp my life and give myself me things, is missing something. It has challenges, but it doesn't have fun/leisure aspects. AquaFit is a "get out of the house, and exercise" challenge, and going back to school is an "educational" challenge. I need something in there that's fun and different.

I worked a bit on one of my models this past weekend. I keep forgetting how much I enjoy putting together planes. It used to be one of my biggest things to do. I'd go over to the mall and see what kind of cash I'd have from babysitting and buy a model every few months. I'd putter away at it. I never painted them. I always believed that I didn't paint them because it was too detail-y for me, now I realize I couldn't have afforded the paints.

The main problem with doing models now as an adult is I have nowhere really to put the finished pieces. I used to hang them from the ceiling of my room with transparent fishing wire, but somehow I think that would be odd looking now. I'm thinking maybe I should put in some shelves on the wall my desk faces into and make that into my display area. Something to think about at least. For right now the latest model is perched on the top of my monitor.

The sale at SkyWorks has been going really well so far. I have so few soaps left, it's kind of scary and exciting at the same time. There's no more of this stone in my gut feeling when I look into the stock cupboard and realize just how many soaps aren't moving. See, the kind of soaps I make can go bad over time. Most of the time that only involves scent fading and the oils used to make it becoming a prominent smell. (I make lard soaps, that smells lovely after a year, really.) But with them clearing out finally, I won't have this issue.

I've also decided to have a "seconds" section of the new site to sell off the soaps I'm not thrilled with and that I don't think are worth $5 each. It's better than throwing them out. I still have yet to sit down and do the sketches for the new site much less work on the redesign. I have 2 weeks and 3 days to tackle that in, so time is running out. Granted I can always go with the site I have and do mild changes. For the most part I've been making soap, processing and packing orders and paper pushing. I've been busy as hell, and it's even tighter now with Miss Sara here full time.

And that's 30 minutes.

This past weekend, Thanksgiving up here, has just been the most dramatic, over-wrought annoying one ever. It started out on Friday night when I casually noticed that someone was hot linking to my pictures. She wasn't passing them off as her own, but there wasn't any attribution plus they were hot linked from my server. I switched the images over to two black and white notes that said: "Only Assholes Steal Images by Hotlinking. Fuck YOU." And "The downfall of Hotlinking... You get whatever *I* put up. Don't steal my art."

I was pretty steamed about it. She had complimented my work, and that was a feel good, but she was also stealing them and as I mentioned in my last entry, I'm a cranky bitch lately. So I just left it, and then the next day she sent me an email giving me shit for the image changes. I was going to leave it, but I finally wrote back an email explaining why Hotlinking is theft, why it pissed me off, and why I didn't give a rats behind if she respected me or my art. I figured that was the last of it. Surprisingly it wasn't in that she sent me a very nice apology letter explaining that she didn't know about hotlinking and that she understood. I still have to respond to that email because more drama offline came up.

I've mentioned before the little punkass children that like to throw loud obnoxious parties that live on my floor. It's become a kind of "Will they? Won't they?" game every Saturday for the past 5 weeks with their parties. Most of the time it's a "They will." answer. So last weekend I hid away in my bedroom and tried to ignore their party, and managed until Mike woke me up telling me that the cops had come a'knocking at their door and gave them a clear warning to shut the hell up.

We figured that would make this weekend into a "They Won't." I mean, most people when the police come pounding at your door and tell you they're going to fine you $300 minimum, they decide to let up on the loud parties for a while. Give your neighbours some time to mellow out, stop hating your guts, and loosen up on the Police dialling finger. Oh ho, not these brain trusts, not a chance.

So the door slamming, the loud talking, the laughter, generally the annoying noise factor starts at 7:30pm. Me... I'm thinking we should head them off at the pass and call the police before the magic hour of 11pm. The bylaw clearly states that any nuisance noise at any time can be fined. I figure maybe they're just going to party a little and then shut the fuck up around magic hour. So I leave it.

Slam. Bang. Drunken assholes. Bang. Boom. Slam. Slam. Slam. Drunken laughter. Slam. Slam. Do I smell cigarette smoke? Slam. Boom. Bang.

Then right at magic hour it stops. A few of the little loser cars leave. I figure they decided to play loud and then go somewhere else for their fun when the fine time came. Then it gets more and more noisy until we finally call the police at 11:45pm. These little shits don't shut up. They pour their party out into the hallway; Mike said they had the door open when he went past to "take out the garbage" (read: spy). They somehow manage to slam the open door over and over again. Then around 12:15pm I'm in the kitchen and I hear drunken, aggressive yelling. I stand a bit closer to the door.

"It's that apartment! That one! Those called!" "Those motherfucking fucks!" "WAKE THEM UP! WAKE THEM UP! WAKE THEM UP! WAKE THEM UP!"

I don't know if you've ever heard a drunken aggressive mob sound, gentle reader, but I have, and I heard it loud and clear through my paper-thin door. I heard young angry men looking for a fight, looking for someone to hurt because someone keeps phoning the police on their parties. I also knew that I might be the only person in this building that has walked out into that group of children and said, "Shut the fuck up. Have some respect. Keep your parties out of the hallway." and then walked back into my home. Marking where I live clearly.

I was scared. I walked away from the door hoping that the police would come soon and puncture that aggression bubble. They didn't.

A little while after that we heard a smashing sound that I said was glass shattering, plate glass, and Mike thought it was metal like the railing in the stairwells. I figured a window or a door had been shattered. I went back to the door to listen and I heard a young female voice laughing/scared say "We're in SO much shit." You know the way teenagers say stuff like that, do you remember? I do. That sound of fear but also invulnerability. That arrogance.

We listened off and on for a while longer. The party would quiet and then they'd be right back at the door slamming again. I finally fell asleep around 3am, and they were still at it.

I woke up around 7am wondering what that smashing noise was the night before. I was sure it was some of the glass out back, and I wanted to check before anyone was up. So I crept downstairs. First thing I noticed on the way down was the poor fake plant, shredded. Then I saw the glass. They had managed to shatter all the glass in the security door, the frame was warped and there were shards of glass everywhere. I went back upstairs to get the camera and tell Mike about it.

We did a walk around the building, taking pictures and marvelling at the destruction. There was the shredded plant, the kicked in door, the three bikes damaged beyond repair, the flattened picnic table, the ripped out garden and garbage strewn everywhere. That aggression that scared me the night before had found somewhere to go and when I looked at the destruction I got really scared. So I went upstairs and called our landlord and then the police again.

I wanted a report from us that I felt threatened, that I felt these children were dangerous. I wanted to know our options for dealing with them. What I could do to make this building safe for me and mine again. The Officer was brutally honest with us. She told us that all we could do was keep calling in the complaints. That unless they directly threaten us, in a clear manner, it's not a threat. But if they ever do threaten me or mine, and this is highly likely she said, it's criminal and they have to so something about it. She also said that they needed more than one unit making the complaints, because if it's only one calling it's considered a personality conflict.

So I sat down with Mike and we wrote a letter after she left. I'm pretty proud of it. We went to the back and put the letters in the mailboxes for all the other units in the building. And of course, while we were doing this, the children came outside for a cigarette. They crunched the glass into the carpet and snickered.

There are no words to describe how I feel about this type of person. I've dealt with them time and time again and I despise them. The only thing that ever matters is their pleasure. I hope they get evicted, I hope they get charged, I hope they find themselves outcast and ostracized from humanity. I want them the hell away from my home and the hell away from my child.

So even though that Police Officer looked at us and said to expect holes in our doors, windows broken and harassment from these children I am going to phone the police and our landlords every time they step over the line.

I've been noticing a worrying trend in myself lately. I've been really really angry, annoyed and frustrated at everything and everybody around me. I've had a long time to learn how to rein in my moods so I don't think I've been taking it out on them, but it's still worrying. I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way, but it's been getting worse.

It's to the point now that I don't seem to have anything nice to say about anything. Nothing seems to get me excited in a positive way. When I went out with Miss Sara for a swim at the nearby pool I spent more time fuming about a punk-ass lifeguard giving us the shit-eye than I did enjoying my daughter's company and doing something different.

Usually when I'm this mad at little annoyances there's something underneath that I'm really angry about and just not allowing myself to feel it or address it. I have no idea what that would be, if that is the reason why I am this way right now. I think in part I'm just stagnating here in my safe, routine life.

I don't have much to talk about because I don't do much. I make soap (Again! Finally! Yay!), I do chores, I shop, I cook dinner, and I watch TV. I've been working more on the business lately, but it's still the same stuff I've been either doing or putting off for the past 2 years. There's nothing I can think of off the top of my head that excites me that I do. Or even challenges me. That's really sad.

So what do I do about this? I started thinking about it yesterday and I remembered this silly little movie I watched a while ago, Keeping the Faith. The main female character "took classes" as a hobby. I remember at the time thinking that was stupid, but the more I realize how absolutely boring my life has become; the more I think it's a smart idea. I keep looking at the Program Guides put out by the various associations around here and see things that might be fun to do. I walk through campus at UofW and think it would be exciting to be walking there because I have somewhere to be, a class to attend.

I find myself held back all the same. I make excuses that there's no time to do this stuff, or that I don't have the transportation, or that it's too expensive. Honestly, I'm just shy. Shy and I've forgotten in my hermitage how to force myself past it and out into the world. I visualize walking out onto the deck of the pool first thing in the morning for an Aquafit class, and I just freeze in fear. Fear of looking foolish, Fear of not knowing anyone, Fear of anything new.

I could blame this on the PTSD, but that's just another excuse like all the others. I'm functioning so well right now that I'm bored! That's awesome.

Wanders off for an hour to cut some soap, look up courses at UofW, etc.

I think it's time for me to finally do something about my lack of education. I barely finished High School, and I am damned proud of that achievement, but my options for employment beyond SkyWorks is so limited and crippling because I never went back to school. U of W is my best option simply because as Mike's spouse, I get 50% tuition. I think the programs that interest me the most are Honours Arts or Honours Arts and Business Regular. I know for sure that I don't have enough OACs to do it, plus there's no way I'm ready to go back to classes as I am now. So I think I need to actually re-apply for the ILC OAC course I started in July 2001 and never did anything with.

I think I need to do two things this "term". Miss Sara is in 3 extracurricular classes a week, and I can manage to do two if my eight year old can do three and school.

I think I'm going to get out of my shell and go to Aquafit at the swimplex once a week. Wednesday mornings looks to be the best time and day to go since I don't have Miss Sara that morning to worry about and then I can make the 9am class. I need to decide if I'm going for deep or shallow.

For my second thing I think I'm going to do the ILC course. Studies in Literature, OAC. I remember reading through the first unit I was sent and thinking it looked interesting, so I might as well give it a try. I know it's not really something that will get me out of the house, but it's something challenging. Something to shake things up a bit. See if I can do it all chunk by chunk and get all my 6 needed OACs sooner than later.

But even with all this planning, I still have a business to run, so I better go make another batch of soap.

I should really be hopping into the shower right now instead of writing a 30-minute entry. Hah, maybe I should start 15-minute entries. But I realized this weekend that I've been busting my ass for everyone around me and not really myself again. Not that I think I should bust my ass for myself, it's more that I don't spend much time focusing on me. That's kind of why I started the webpage again and spent all that time setting up MT, so I'd have a place to do stuff for me.

Then I got busy. I've always been this way, my entire life. I've always felt that what is most important in a life well lived is what you give to the people around you. I learned in Therapy that sometimes it's more important to worry about what you give yourself, for the reason that if you don't give to yourself first, what you give your loved ones ends up being lesser. I agree with that, but I find it very hard to live it.

I lie to myself about what is "me time" that going shopping for the latest thing we need to make our home life easier counts. It doesn't really. Me time, the me time that was best was the kind spent sitting in a coffee shop, smoking, drinking coffee and writing about what I saw, who I was, the things around me. I don't know where to go for that anymore. It's something I miss about not being in TO. Plus, there's always this pressure that I may miss picking up Miss. Sara from school or something.

I don't want to be the one to drop the ball on being the responsible adult. I've never allowed myself to. That's not completely true. I've dropped the ball tons of times in my life. And I've always hated myself for doing it. That I should always be perfect somehow. Enh, I dunno. Auch ja.

I went shopping on Saturday with Miss. Sara. I discovered that my beloved Cotton Ginny actually was open and stocked! We were only supposed to be getting Sara a new winter jacket since it's gotten surprisingly cold over the past week, and her broken-sipper jacket just isn't acceptable. I've been keeping my eyes open for new shirts, but nothing serious. I still hate the idea of buying clothes for this size I'm at again, I don't feel it's my accurate size and I will go back down to my lifetime standard of size 18. But I seem to start hating myself when my clothes don't fit.

It makes me feel ugly and sloppy. I've always been highly casual in my clothing choices, my entire life. I've always been a pair of jeans and a T-shirt girl. But there's casual and then there's sloppy. And I've been sloppy. So I've been trying to find some inexpensive yet nice shirts to go with the jeans I finally grabbed. In comes CG Plus! I found 2 long sleeved, V-necked (perfect to keep me from looking like mighty boob woman!) striped stretch shirts, 2 button down shirts (one that makes me look like a late 70s hipster mom) and a plain white T-shirt, V-necked of course. I no longer feel like the monster from the deep, and god, it's wonderful.

I'm not stylish or thin by any means, but I feel better about myself. It's really nice not to walk around with that just under the surface feeling of self-loathing.

I was thinking this morning on my walk home from dropping Sara off that we've adjusted really well to our new lives and home here. It's been a bit more than a month since she came here full time and I can barely remember what it was like not to have her around all the time. I feel more rushed, and more hemmed in by all her lessons and needed routines, but they're helpful too. It's nice to know that when 5 pm rolls around I'm pretty much finished for the day, and my home life starts. A home life filled with regular dinners, and TV. Mmmm, brain rot, TV.

We had the boys over to visit last week. I've been missing them both a lot lately (when I stop and give myself time to miss anyone), so it was really nice to go out for dinner and a visit. I don't remember exactly what we talked about, but I remember laughing and laughing. Sometimes I wonder about this part of my "growing up", the distance that has come between my friends and me. These people that were the most important aspect of my life in High School. So many of them are gone now, lost into their own lives, the same as I have become lost in my own. When I stop to think about it, I hurt terribly. I've tried with some of them to get back into contact a couple times, and it's hit the point where I know I have to let it go and see what happens eventually.

I hate that idea though. With one person specifically, someone that if you had told 16 year old me I would be missing the most, I would've bitterly laughed in your face. I don't know if I will ever sit across from him ever again in a coffee shop... and on the other hand, there are the people that you just know will be there. For me it's the boys. They're coming up on their 10th anniversary and I can remember clear as day the winter they fell for each other. I know even if we don't talk for months, someone will call or email and we'll go out for dinner and laugh.

I keep wondering about who Sara's people will be. What are they going to be like? She's so quiet and shy; I worry about her. I worry that with moving here, she knows nobody in the neighbourhood, and won't do the gutsy stuff you need to do to make friends cold. And now I remember 9 year old me going up to a young girl riding her bike in the back of our apartment building and saying "Hi! I'm Linda, I just moved here, want to be friends?" I can't even remember her name anymore but we became friends.

Sara will find her way. Hell, if all us 'losers' could find each other in the Art Room and become such a fun group, Sara will be fine.

On other thoughts, I'm having a huge-ass sale at SkyWorks this month. It's selling out like crazy. I'm thrilled, and it gives me the cash influx that I need to make some of those changes to my business. Like finally getting Business Cards. Hee. I'm also considering doing a redesign of the site, the labels, everything. Keeping the font (Lynda Cursive!) and losing the clipart logo. I've been paying attention to various medium sized businesses and font seems to be the biggest "logo" thing they do. We'll see. I think I may take some of my work with me to the pool tonight to work on while Sara has her swimming lesson. I have forms I need to send into Health Canada before the "new" SW launch.

And that's 30 Minutes.