One thing I forgot in my drive to get my OACs and hopefully go to university -- I hate School. I hate learning in a limited, prescribed fashion. I hate being told what I have to read, what I'm supposed to discover in that reading, what to think, how to think it and how to express it. I hate School. I hate how it feels and how much it limits me.

This is a problem. Not only have I felt like this about School since grade 4 or so, I've been away from it for almost a decade now. In that decade I realized first hand just how much bullshit we were force-fed under the guise of "You need this to get a job. If you don't learn this you are stupid and will starve." I've realized that School was a handful of true education hidden in the murky depths of filler. I've realized that the best lessons I learned in School weren't in the curriculum; they were in the experience and wisdom of my teachers that they shared with us.

In that decade I've learned how to do bookkeeping, do taxes, cash flows, budgets, handle money professionally and personally -- and I was a failure in math in School. I've learned how to paint watercolours, I've taken thousands of photographs, I've created art using raw soap, I am more creative than I was ever given the opportunity to be in School. In that decade I've learned more than I ever did in my 13 years in School.

But none of that gives me a degree. None of that erases the stigma in being a simple High School graduate. And that sucks. So I'm looking at this course, this OAC course where they don't even make sure that the two examples for a concrete Noun are, you know, concrete Nouns just so I can get that degree.

I'm happy with my job, my business. I don't want a degree because of a job I desire. I want the degree because I need the degree. It's as simple as that. And to get the degree I have to jump through the idiot hoops and get myself another OAC.

This is bullshit. I hate this. The subject bores me, the instructions are condescending, and the staff has so far inspired my derision. I can't find the spark to get me started, to get me over this sense of hate enough to get myself caught in the routines and habits. Honestly, I think I need other people to work with and off of.

I think I misjudged my learning abilities when I signed up for an independent learning course. I'm a phenomenal independent learner, in the true sense, but I'm no good at learning someone else's lessons and ideas alone. I think I need to get into a course with people I can interact with or maybe go into the university and see what they really need from me if I want to apply for the Arts & Business Degree.

And now I have to go put an hour into this damned course.

So I've finished lunch, took the pictures I need for TVfH and am unable to access anything online. I guess I feel somewhat isolated. I'm surprised I don't feel more annoyed that the service we pay so very much for works whenever it feels like it. Which is defiantly not during the day. I figure I don't want to jump though the various hoops of checking my network card and plugs enough that I am willing to ignore it and find something else to do.

I've been fairly successful in getting things done today so far. I've dropped Miss Sara off at school, gone grocery shopping for the next 2 weeks, started a chicken broth for Mike, done little fiddly things for SkyWorks and had some lunch. Now I have 2 hours to spend before I should head out to get Miss Sara from school and take her to her swimming lesson.

I've discovered I enjoy her swimming lesson on Monday nights. It gives me half an hour away from my PC, away from the apartment, away from my family, away from the phone with a coffee and whatever I want to do that day. Last week I wrote up a to-do list of things I'd like to achieve over the rest of the month. I was planning on cutting labels for the recently cured batches tonight, but my printer died again.

Mike's home sick today. He's been sick an awful lot lately. I hate having anyone home during my workday it throws me off. When my cousin came last year to wrap soap for me, I always felt like I had to be a hostess. Then when family is home I feel like I should be attentive to them or receptive somehow. I'm not terribly good at that at the best of times, not capable of it at all when I want my focus 100% on work.

I really need to make some soap soon. I don't have the soap of the month made yet for December. I'm thinking Winter Strawberries. I missed making a batch for June, so this is my second choice. I think it's neat to have a summery scent in the middle of the winter.

I used the new Tea Tree & Clay yesterday on my face and left it on a bit longer than I usually do. It tingled wonderfully. The increase in scent (and thus menthol from the peppermint) was a good idea, I think.

I thought of a future entry someday when I take the time to write a focused one instead of these 30-minute entries. I want to do a "review" of my own products and what I think of them as a consumer. I have favourites, I have ones I hate, I have products I never use and I think it would be interesting to write them out.

I don't know what I'm going to do if I need to replace my printer. We're not exactly rolling in the cash personally, and the business is low. I'll figure something out, I guess. I always do. At least Lexmark is sending me a new cartridge to try out, but I'm sure it will die the same as the rest of them have. I now have 2 cartridges one half-full the other full for a printer that doesn't work.

I can't believe how stressed out I was 3 weeks ago now. Everything was going wrong, nothing seemed to work our properly at all. I knew then that all I really needed was just a chance to slow down and breathe and now that I've had that things are much more on an even keel. There are still a few things bothering me off and on, but they'll fade with time.

I haven't been working on the new 26 things yet. I think about it at times like this, when I can't get to any webpages to get the list, and I'm home anyways with no time to wander around and take pictures. I need to remember to pull out my 120 film from the Duaflex this week and take it in to be developed. I'm excited about that little thing. I've probably ruined it by leaving it in a most likely leaky camera for months. I figure the film on the start of the reel should be fine at least.

I haven't gone out with my film camera in quite a while. I know I'll be taking it with me out to Nova Scotia next month. There's just certain things that need to be recorded physically, not digitally and visits to family far away counts as that. I have to remember to buy some film too. Maybe I'll take the Duaflex too.

Once I'm done my 30 minutes here I'm going to crack open my new books for the OAC course. I'm still scared shitless of the Essay questions. I know I'm OAC capable; hell I know I'm University capable, but I'm so rusty. I just have to get started, get the marks for my rusty essays and improve. I'll do fine. Right? Heh. :)

Well damn, I just connected to the web AND it's 30 minutes.

Stealing a few minutes for personal to-dos right now. It's been a busy day so far with no signs of slowing down anytime soon. As soon as I get this entry written, spellchecked, and posted I need to get outside dressed and do a post office bank run. Then I need to pick up Miss Sara from school and we're catching a bus down to the Zellers to get some proper winter boots for us both. I also need to remember to visit the nearby dollar store there to get some padded shipping envelopes and packing tape.

I knew I was running low on supplies for SkyWorks earlier, but I didn't realize how many various things. I know better too. I know to stock up when I can and when I realize what I need immediately. Instead I waited and now I need to find hundreds of dollars to finance a major shopping trip. Doesn't help that I've developed a spending habit with the business debit card.

I was pretty bad about spending business money on various things when I started selling. Once I realized that I'd have to account for all the money and where it went when I became a legal business, I reined myself in fiercely. If it wasn't for the business, it came from personal money or wasn't bought. Period. Plus at the time I needed a monthly loan from the personal accounts anyways.

About a year ago I realized that I was busting my ass for my business for no reward and I was sick of it. So I started letting myself buy little things here and there from the business account. Then I bombed out on the business. I got depressed and stopped caring if money was coming in, if I had money to buy supplies, if I had a well-stocked inventory. I spent any money that came in, dipping under my preferred minimum of $100 reserve in the bank account.

Now with the sale finished and some auctions coming in, I have an influx of cash but the bad spending habits are there as well. The cash from the School Bazaar this year has been buying pizza and junk food. I knew I should have put it into the bank account right away. Ahh well. Hindsight, yes?

I think I need to look at my routines and attitudes towards money again. Specifically the money I've been earning for myself. I think I should start writing out a paycheque for myself on a monthly basis, or bi-weekly, maybe. Make it a percentage of sales, but keeping the balance untouchable for personal spending in the business account. Might help. I also need to figure out what I really need to get right now and what can wait.

It's been a while since I worked on the shopping lists and the various budgets for supplies. That means my costing sheets aren't accurate and I really don't know current costs of supplies. Something else to be added to the to-do lists for this month. I'm trying to spend about 3 hours a day on the business. Sometimes more. I could spend every breathing moment working, but all that gets me is burnt out.

I love that I can control my time expenditure this way. It's more important than money for me. I've been casually chatting with one of the women at my post office about my being available for part-time work if they ever need the extra help. She asked for a resume a couple weeks ago, but I don't have one that I would show anyone right now. And I don't have the time to write one out. Well to be honest, I don't want to make the time to write one out.

That was another important thing I did when I reined myself in when it comes to work. There are work hours and then there are home hours and they do not cross. I don't work when I have my family home. I have dinner to cook, I have TV shows to watch, I have airplane models to work on, I have watercolours to paint, and I have forums to read. I'm trying so hard to keep my life balanced. And as stubborn as I am about personal time being sacred, I am the same way about work time. I want to be alone so I can focus and get myself into gear.

I've sketched out a rough routine of 9am - 12pm being work time, 12-1pm being lunch, journal & photoblog time, and 1-3pm being personal responsibilities time. Now that we have Sara fulltime the chunk after school until dinner ends up being filled with her homework and needs. I need to figure out where in there I can fit my own School needs and responsibilities. I got the parcel this week from ILC with the first unit of the course, and after a fair amount of struggle I managed to sign up for the ejournal as well.

I figure I'll start that this Monday.

And that's 30 minutes. (and massive errors from my MT, so I'll post this later)

Again trying to catch up with the plans and routines I set out in my quiet spaces, always forgetting that life is what happens when I'm off doing something else. I'm tired today. I've done well anyway, three hours of work for the business. I've manages to cross of a number of lines on my To-Do list. This is just another thing to be erased.

I painted and almost finished my newest watercolour yesterday. It's unsigned and I think I may do a slight touch up to the middle section. I feel that if it's signed, it's finished. I also feel that I took it off the plywood too soon. Ahh well. I have a new sheet stretched this morning. It should be dry by now. I think once I am done my shower and lotion routine I may sit down and start on the next picture.

It's going to be a broken series. One for each person in my life that I think would appreciate it. It's not high art, but it's mine and colourful. The next one will be for my mom, with her totem in the middle. I'm not sure of the colour matches, but we'll see what I come up with.

I ended up going out last night with R to see As You Like It at UWaterloo. It was an alumni shindig, and his date backed out on him. So I got the invite and I'm glad I went. I miss theatre sometimes. I miss the desperation and anxiety of the work coming up on a show, and then the wonder of the perfect night. The perfect show. It's been almost 10 years now since I worked on anything to do with a Theatre.

I've debated and toyed with volunteering at one of the local theatres. I know that if I was to attempt a resurrection of a career, my dream, I would have to start at the bottom and climb my way back up. But I've become aware of my mortality. There's no way I'd clamber up a cherry picker 50' in the air to hang a light or run cable. I'd see my certain death from falling every second. And I don't have the experience or the connections to work as anything but grunt labour.

It's funny the directions life goes. I had my life planned, each step along the way, and then life got in the way. Ten years ago I was dragging myself each day into High School, so I could graduate, so I wouldn't become a statistic. "Kicked out, dropped out, lost out." I didn't want that to be me, so I made damn sure it wasn't.

I talk about my internal life all the time now here. I guess the talk I had with my sister about how I shouldn't write about anything that involves the people around me. That it was an invasion of privacy. I guess that's true. My subconscious certainly thinks so. I only write about the things and thoughts I have about my own tiny life.

I don't talk about how excited I am that my sister is looking at going to university for her social work degree. It's a long-term plan, but it's so exciting. She's finally had enough with being taken for granted at work.

And I wandered off to deal with the fucking morons at ILC, so that's it for my 30 minutes. Heh.

Going to take half an hour to write an entry before I go back to my Watercolour painting. I've been inspired by a card I was sent. It has a watercolour on the front as the cover art, and once I looked it over I realized that I could do the same kind of design, only better. Heh. It may end up being a Christmas present for someone. Not sure who yet.

I'm also "importing" some of my CDs into iTunes. What a fancy way of saying burning. I just don't really listen to my CDs unless it's something like today and going to the Dentist. I then use my CDs as a method of disassociation. I realized that today in Claire's chair. I use the music as a passport into removing my consciousness from my body. I go away into the music and I don't feel any pain, I don't panic, I don't realize what's going on around me.

That I need to disassociate myself that much when I'm at the dentist says a lot about how scary I do find the entire experience. Which is really sad since I trust and really respect the team of three that work on me there. Maybe someday I can go there without the need for the music so I can disappear.

Sara had a swimming lesson last night, and I spent the half hour just writing out my To-Do lists for this month -- SkyWorks and Personal. There's so much to be done, but when it's in terms of a month, it's so much more manageable. One of the big things is starting on my ILC course. I received the first lesson and the reading materials this past week from them. I've been doing the minor questions and reading over the past couple months using the materials I was given the first time I attempted this course. I stopped when it came time for the semi-essay type answers.

I choked. I'm absolutely terrified of these simple questions and essay answers. I don't know where to start, I'm scared that my difficulty flowing paragraphs will resurface; I don't think I can do it. So instead of my hoped for completed first unit by the time I officially started the course, I have me, scared of the key questions in the first lesson.

I mentioned this to my sister today when we were having a quick visit and she laughed at me. "You're scared of an ESSAY? Linda, you've ALWAYS been great at English. It's your best subject." And, well... she's right. I think that's part of why I'm so intimidated by a simple OAC course. What if I'm not great at English anymore? What if I've forgotten how to learn from other people? I can learn, I know that. I wouldn't have a business if I didn't, but can I learn from other people anymore? Or have I become too rigid in my ways?

Gah, I dunno. I know I'm pretty inflexible in how I want my home, my business, my life structured. I know what works best for me and I'm pretty fierce about protecting and maintaining that. But does that translate into an inability to learn from a class environment? I'm scared that it might.

I've been talking to Sara lately about her attitude and her mouth -- both are problems. She thinks she knows everything and isn't shy about saying as much to the people around her. She can lack tact, plus she's pretty cocky. I see a lot of me in her and it frustrates me. I try to tell her that she can learn from the people around her, especially the people we pay money to teach her. *sighs* We'll see how that works out.

A thought. I like to make things easier on the people around me. I always do, even at the cost of my own security and stability. I've always been like this. I wonder if that's why I'm the one that gets slighted, disregarded and put aside in some of my relationships. I've been watching how I am treated and how I interact with the people I am closest to in my life and it's been interesting. I seem to be the one that gets treated the roughest, but I have the reputation of being the most fragile. Not quite sure how that works, but it's what I see.

Probably it's because I will forgive most anything. I'm easy. What's interesting is that there's this demarcation point in my life that I no longer am willing to forgive and forget anymore. An age that I'm inflexible about how I want to be treated and in what I will accept from anyone.

Let me think... yeah, it's 2000. It's that spring of my destruction. Anyone that was in my life before then, I act like a great big 'ol doormat with, the people I only occasionally get mad and engage in conflict with. Anyone after -- well there isn't really anyone after that point. I've had enough of their shit and moved on.

One thing I learned in therapy is that we attract what we are. We attract into our lives the relationships we need for the people we are today. If you're needy and desperate, you will attract the needy and desperate. If you are self-confident and secure you will attract the self-confident and secure. I think we also attract the other people but if you're under their stage they will move on eventually and if you're higher, you will move on eventually.

And with that, my 30 minutes are up.