I ran out of Kleenex on the weekend, and alas, it didn’t coincide with my cold/allergies going away. I’m getting mighty tired of blowing my nose with toilet paper. I don’t want to go to the grocery store this morning, but it’s starting to feel like something I should do. There’s stuff we need that we didn’t get on the pop-in visit we did this weekend.

I could wait and go after school, but I hate that struggle between getting Sara ready for bed and taking care of everything else. I don’t know. I’ll just sit here for a while longer with the heating pad on my back then decide. Woke up this morning at 5am because my back was kicking my ass. Yeah, ok, ignore that visual.

I’m rather broken today. My back’s all tender and moody, my right arm to just past my elbow is strained. I’m sniffling and sneezing. *sighs* It’s rather sad. I was hoping to go to the gym this morning after I dropped Mike off at work, but by that point all I could think of was getting home to my beautiful heating pad. I may see if Ms. Julie wants to go tonight after dinner, perhaps.

It’s funny sometimes. I know that if I strengthen my abdominals I will make my back worlds better, but I don’t want to go to the gym because my back hurts. I went on Friday morning with my readings for the classes this week and it went well. I had to skip some of the circuit because my sciatica was flaring, but overall it worked out.

I think I should just find it in me to get down on the floor on the days I don’t or can’t go to the gym and do my physio exercises. Even just the upper back stretch would help with the pain when I’m trying to sleep. I guess I just don’t want to because I stubbornly insist that I should be completely healthy and perfect. Hah.

Getting old, poor me. Carrying around too much weight and have been for far too long now. I’m still not going to say that it was a poor trade, this quitting smoking and gaining 50 lbs. I’d still rather be too fat and a non-smoker than where I was 4 years ago, smoking and at a relatively good weight for me. And unable to breathe. I wouldn’t mind both, though. Ahh well.

Not sure how I want to structure my day today yet. I have class at 4, so I want to be on campus for 3:15, but until then I have a goodly amount of time to fill up with a much bigger list of things that need to be done. I need to figure out what to do with this niggling feeling like I want to run away screaming from all my responsibilities though. I’m so tired of being smart and wise and responsible. Waa. I also need to figure out what I want to do with my resentment of needing to go to university. That I enjoy it hasn’t lessened the resentment much, and I can’t succeed if I’m pissed off all the time.

And that’s 15.

So 15 minutes in which I need to type up something of what’s nagging at me inside at the moment and drink an entire glass of water. The water is because I’ve been dehydrated for days now and I’ve been a moron about gasp, actually drinking water. I think I’m going to just set myself drinking goals or something.

I just finished tossing together my work for today’s tutorial class on the Paris Commune (1871) and took a few to mark the readings due for tomorrow’s lecture. There are a lot of readings to be done. I made sure to note the readings due for next week on my little “homework for this weekend” page in my steno pad, but still… I’m behind already.

Well, no, to be fair I’m not behind, I’m more realizing that I need to figure out how to organize my time better and fast. I may have excellent study skills, but they are rusty. So I need to do my readings on the weekend when I have chunks of time to dedicate but then I run into one of the many balls I need to juggle, my home and my family.

I’m having a really difficult time figuring out how to get the quiet focused space I need to read and make my notes and still not rob it from my home time. Sara only really spends time with me from 4-9:30 pm on the weekdays. There is a bit of time in the mornings before school, but mostly that’s filled with my nattering at her to hurry up. So out of 24 hours a day, I have 5.5 available to spend with her. Not that I have to be actively spending the time with her, but I think I should try to be available to her.

But for me to really read for comprehension, I need to be available to nobody except myself. The obvious solution is to do it in the mornings after Sara’s off to school and Mike’s at work. But then it runs into my home routine. The time where I take care of my chores, the laundry, the grocery shopping, my leg waxing, to share too much information and so forth. I can do my entire morning routine in 2 hours, if I don’t drive Mike to work and I just focus and go.

Then I run into the problem of too much focus and go for myself. If I structure my every moment from waking to bed with responsibilities I will crack. Part of my equilibrium is based on having time to slow down, to tell the A-type personality part of me to shut the fuck up and let me breathe for a while. If that’s just walking around Walmart for an hour looking at things and thinking about creating things, or playing grand theft auto, or taking a nap, or (very rarely) going to the gym because I want to and it feels right, or sitting on my porch in the sun, or… it’s just as important to me as school, my family or my home.

So where’s my balance between these things? How do I find it? I achieved balance in between my home & family and my own spaces. How to I balance in my responsibilities to my future as well now?

I don’t know. I need to just fumble my way through, I guess.

God my back aches today. Still, I need to do laundry so I have clean clothes to wear to class this afternoon, so I guess it’ll be a move around then use the heating pad type of day. I already got some groceries for us, since I was in Giant Tiger and they do sell some perishables. Their plus size area seems to have disappeared though. Not that I ever bought any clothing from there, but I still like having the option. (of buying cheap, poorly made clothing. Woo!)

I have my portfolio page to write about yesterday’s MI 201 class. I think I’m going to ponder on paper how odd I find the desire to live close and be social, yet they won’t invite someone into their homes unless they’re very close friends. I wonder if it’s the same for Morocco. I should ask Abdou, or save it and ask him as my professor later. Make myself look all clever. ;)

It’s weird trying to run my days now with school there, looming over me. That sounds a lot more negative than it actually is, it’s just there. I have class at 2:30, I want to leave by 1:30, so I have enough time to do… blah. The structure it brings to my life is both awesome and really difficult to get used to. I mean, I resent that I had to go grocery shopping this morning because it takes away from my limited pool of time I have to take care of other things.

Also, working in the evenings on anything more focused than reading over my notes and pulling out the main points is not going to happen. Sara bounces around, Mike wants to talk or wants affection ( I mean, really! Hrmph! Hee) the cats are everywhere, and I feel like I need to be on as Mommy as well.

Oh, there’s a tangent. Sara’s new guilt trip method is to exclaim that I’m shooing her because I don’t want to spend time with her. I apparently don’t want her around. Yeah. I shoo her because if she was left to her own devices, she’d show up at school around noon and go to bed around 2am. Plus, she’d never get decent sleep so she’d be a foul bitchy bear to be around. Also, her room would devolve from messy to an allergy ridden hell hole. She’s 10. She needs to be told what to do to a certain degree. Oi.

Oh well. Parenthood, whee.

Imaginus was on Campus last week. (big university poster sale) I got this lovely watercolour of a cat for Sara, a phenomenal photograph of a family of lions and I finally bought myself a Georges Meis print I’ve been coveting for a few years now. It’s currently on my wall behind my desk, but I suspect I’ll frame it before long. The more I look at it, the more I realize that I like it so very much because it’s the picture I would have shot myself. The framing is exactly the way I like to do it.

I’ve always known that we enjoy the art that we ourselves would create, but it’s never been quite as clearly displayed for me as it is now. It also makes me wonder if I’ll be able to break out of my composition mind set and shoot what is considered good photojournalism. At the meeting on Sunday the guy was going through examples of Pulitzer prize winning photographs, and I kept thinking to myself “wow, that’s… plain” or similar.

Blasphemy, I know. It just doesn’t appeal to me on an artistic level. Plus I have serious issues with the concept that there is ever a time that someone’s private grief needs to be photographed and shown. I don’t believe there is a tactful way to stick a camera in someone’s face when they’re in pain, crying, afraid, etc. To say otherwise is delusion. I guess I’d feel better about the concept of photojournalism in negative or difficult times if it was more honest. If I wasn’t sitting in a chair reading a slide show put together by a young man who makes it very plain how he feels about “getting the shot” in his tone alone.

But then again, I choose to never watch or read the news because I think it is emotionally and spiritually draining. I choose to not be someone that watches people hurt, kill and torment each other then turn it off, perhaps tisk a few times and then go on with my comfortable North American life.

And I have no idea how to go on from that point. Good thing that the timer saved me. That’s 30.

I’m sick again. Started on Saturday morning with all the same signs as a severe allergy reaction. It got worse until I had to admit even to myself that I was getting a cold. I’ve been sniffling and sneezing and coughing ever since. Joy. Woke up at 4am this morning, just suffocating in snot (mmmm, yummy) and decided to get up instead of continuing to keep Mike awake. Finally fell back to sleep on the couch around 5:30. Enh. I hope it goes away soon. I should also remember to carry alcohol gel in my bag so I’m not making all my classmates sick.

Ahh yes, today is the start of my second week in university. I have class at 4 but I’ve already been on campus once today to drop off my portfolio pages and get a new Onecard. I managed to lose my student card in less than a month of having it. That’s absurd. Twenty bucks and a visit to the library later and I have a new card and I can access the library from home.

This is good since I have an assignment due for my tutorial class on Wednesday. I have to use the internet as a research source and explore if it’s a good resource or not. The answer to that one is no, Bob. Anyway, I’ll do it because I’m a massive keener when it comes to school and I want obscenely good marks.

Not going to be hard. Everyone, meet my new friend, arrogance. But oh my god, university is easy. Show up to lecture, make good notes, introduce yourself to your professor and ask questions if you have any, do the work as it is assigned, keep up with your readings, and figure out a system for all this that works for you. I cannot comprehend the kids that come to university and then bag their classes.

Maybe it’s because I’m coming in as an adult, but I’m acutely aware of how much this is costing me and my family. Each course cost about $500, before books. We dropped $1500 on this term alone. That’s a major payment towards clearing off our car loan, or a chunk towards a decent down payment on a house. In many ways our lives are being put on hold, well more our life plans are, so that I can go to school. We’re investing in our future.

It’s the same for everyone. Someone pays that bill, be it OSAP, parents, yourself, whatever. It’s a bit more expensive for me as a part-time student, but not that much more. So why do these kids skip class? Is there a sense of entitlement there? That the degree is owed them because they’ve paid? That showing up is optional?

I don’t know. It’s been interesting interacting with the administration and services on campus. I’m 30 years old, I worked at Laurier 12 years ago, I know in many ways the way universities work, what I need to have as a student, I’m motivated and driven to succeed there and I will milk all the services I’m paying for to the maximum I can. Put that up against people who are used to dealing with 18ish year old that apparently don’t know their heads from their asses, and it’s been frustrating in many ways.

For example, I went into the health clinic to get my depo-provera shot done. I was honest and said I was outside the recommended limit of 13 weeks for re-injection. Oh my god, they had to have a pregnancy test. I stated clearly that 1. I’m not pregnant. 2. I know exactly the last time I had sex. 3. I don’t pee on a stick for anyone. Oh nos, still had to see the doctor. I had another appointment, so I didn’t sit and wait like a good girl for the doctor to say “ok, she doesn’t need a pregnancy test.” I came back later. And surprise, surprise, I didn’t need a pregnancy test.

The reasoning given to me for their blanket insistence on a pregnancy test was that they frequently get women in there who are blatantly lying about their sexual history. That there’s a real chance that these women could be pregnant and the depo would cause major problems. That there are women coming in and saying “he pulled out, I can’t be pregnant!” to the staff.

Shit, man. When I was in my 20s I was fairly promiscuous and I was never that stupid. Sex makes babies. I know, shocking isn’t it? Sex also spreads sexually transmitted diseases. I’m just full of these amazing and foreign concepts. *shakes head*

I’m finding what I need to do when I run up against the people that are unable to deviate from their “idiot teenager” script I just need to try and find someone that actually looks at *me* and realizes that I left idiot teenager behind quite some time ago. The doctor was like that and she’s going to help me with some additional therapy options. Awesome.

It’s a weird world, this university land I’m now a member of. I love it though. My classes and professors are amazing. The work is easy peasy.

And that’s 30. Time to keep working on re-creating my morning routine.

Today I’m restricted to staying home for most of it because of the lovely concept of “appointments” that Bell Canada has. Apparently the technician will be here “before 6pm”. Dude. What about the poor schmucks that have to work? I mean it’s annoying because I really dislike being required to stay anywhere, but honestly spending the day at home is not a big deal for me. But taking a day off work or school to sit on your ass all day just waiting. Ew.

Anyways, we’ve been without a phone since Tuesday now. The DSL works, the door buzzer works, but no dial tone or anything ringing through to us. We blew through my $10 allotment for the month on my cell phone in a day just setting up the appointment with Bell. I got the damn phone for those little one minute calls to Mike telling him I’d be there in 5 minutes or such. Not to function as our only point of contact.

Well that’s not true completely. There is email, but I’m so bad at it. *laughs* I read everything and then I say to myself that I’ll answer it when I get a chance to really focus… and promptly forget to make that time. There are a lot of factors in that. I write epics, so it takes me a while to respond to each email. I average about 15-20 minutes per email, and I get about 5 a week. And that’s with my lack of response.

Then there’s the perfection crap. I want to send well crafted, thought out responses, usually. Then add in that sometimes I’m just not in the mood at all to communicate with anyone. Plus that I keep myself very busy when I am feeling up and motivated… It just doesn’t work for me.

I’ve tried a number of different ways of dealing with it. The main one I try all the time is just sitting down and answering any email I get immediately after reading it. Which works for a while, but once I fall behind even with a single email, I’m up shit creek again. I may try to set aside a time every couple days that I sit down and answer email. Make it email hour and that’s all I do.

I think another part of why I dislike email is I’m old-fashioned a bit. I used to have pen-pals all over the world. I’d take a week and write their letters when I’d get a moment here or there. There was this sense of time and care that just doesn’t seem to be there in email. Plus it’s not like I can whip out my PC at any spare moment and write. She’s a bit big for that.

I guess I could try to do it in my palm, but… ew. Graffiti takes me ages to write in my doctor’s appointments, trying to write a note to someone would be akin to sticking needles in my eyes for “fun”. I will solve this someday though! It’s the new wave of communication; I need to learn how to keep up with it.

And that’s 15.

I have to say waking up in the middle of the night with the words “Another couple journal entries from you and I’ll be dumping your fatty, whiny ass” ringing in my ears is not the way to start a day. The person that said that in my dream was Mike, but I know where it came from. I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and since it was the initial meeting we covered a good bit of my history. That feeling of not being good enough, desperate to hold onto what little I did have even though it was given resentfully, being spoken to with such distain… oh, that’s Spring of 2000 for sure.

I don’t think about that time much at all, but apparently it left echoes in me that still sound out five years later. It was also the first time since I left Toronto that I’ve sat down with a councilor and talked about myself, my history, my PTSD. I’m glad I did. The depression last year just kicked my ass, even with my training and ability to do it for myself.

My therp is Lindsey. She’s in her mid-40s, I’d say. Legally blind, and very matter of fact about it and direct. By the end of the hour the rapport was fantastic and solid. I think we’re going to have a great working relationship. I only get eight visits total with her this term, as part of my tuition, but that should be more than enough for me. Mainly at this point I just need someone to give me another viewpoint. She strikes me as the type of woman that will do just that, which is a perfect match.

It’s funny, I hate being questioned about my choices and my life by most of the people in it but put me in a therp’s office and I’m open to it. I guess I take questioning personally, as an insult on my ability to run my life when it comes from someone that’s invested in it. It’s something I work on though. *sighs* Just another thing in the very, very long list of things I watch out for and work at in my quest to be “normal”.

So today is stay at home and do things that have been nagging me for months day. I want to preen a bit and get my nails fixed up, legs waxed, eyebrows plucked, etc. Then there’s several mini sewing projects that I’ve been putting off for years. Oi. Plus I need to finish up my daily routine stuff for this morning.

At least we made it to the Gym yesterday. My back is angry at me this morning, but it was very worth it. It feels good to move, even if it’s only for a little bit.

And that’s 15. ;)