So, 30 minutes on the timer and a lot of things on my mind. God, where to start.

Last week Mike and I had a talk about how much time I've been spending in game, what that's all about and how he feels about it. It was again brought to my attention that I've been avoiding my life. And that my starting in the game also coincided with a fairly shitty spring.

The biggest thing that sticks with me is the idea that I've been avoiding my failure. Not that I don't want to be an active part of my life, but my life also includes this big pink elephant in the room of the slow excruciating death of my business. SkyWorks has been finished for a long time now. I just haven't been able to accept or even face the reality.

I have nice polite letters asking where my PST remittance is piling up on my desk. I have an actual order sitting in my SW inbox that I can't be shifted to deal with because it means I have to actually pay attention to the fact that it's my first order in almost 2 months and it's for 10 bucks. I haven't made soap in months upon months. I have no inspiration and no desire for this anymore.

I just don't want to let it go.

I don't want to admit that I failed at something else in my life. That even though I busted my ass, it still failed and barely got above a trotting start. I don't want to go back to the drawing board to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do with my life. I don't want to figure out how to balance my PTSD, the simple fact that I'm always afraid, and my intense desire to have a normal life. I just wanted this to work. And it didn't.

But, I'm no quitter. I might say I am about a million times over, but I'm still here. Everything I have in my life I fought for and is infinitely precious because of that. So I need to cut this dead weight from me and try again.

So. I'm closing SkyWorks down. I'm going to take the time this week and do a real inventory, and then I'm going to drop everything price wise to half and I'm going to let all my former customers know. Then I'm going to turn around and donate whatever is left to a local woman's shelter. I may sell off my FOs and EOs, I may keep them for the someday hope that I'll make soap for myself again. But I'm going to let this lass go.

And with that money I'm going to buy a plane ticket to a con in Washington, DC that my flag is having. I'm going to hug my friends I've made in these past months. I'm going to have raunchy girl chat with the women I'm sharing a room with. I'm going to have geeky conversations and laugh my ass off. I'm going to do this because even though I am shy and scared shitless, I've always had so much fun meeting other people.

And after that, and before that, I'm going to figure out who I am now. Where I fit in my life. What I want, and how I want to get it. This con is one of the first things I've actually wanted in such a long time now that I stop to think about it. I've gotten complacent. I've given into my fear.

I think I needed the time to regroup. The years I spent in hospital, in out-patient therapy, were so fucking hard. I think I burned out on wanting to be able to live so goddamned much. Maybe, I worked so hard and wanted it so much that I forgot being able to live is also just a matter of taking the day to day and being there.

So maybe instead of doing my usual bullshit of sitting back and thinking everything to death, I'm going to just do shit. I'm going to go to this Tai Chi class, because I've always been curious about it and I think it looks cool. I'm going to keep playing my silly game, because I have this community of friends that I play with and that's fucking awesome. I'm going to spend more time with Miss Sara, because she's so smart and awesome. I'm going to kidnap Mike and try to shake up his boring life a bit too. I'm going to have my intense, honest talks with Matt when we can. I'm going to talk boys with Karin and laugh my ass off at how impossibly foulmouthed we end up. I'm going to "Dude. Your Mama." with Ed every morning because it's just what we do.

I think I've decided to live again. What a fucking awesome feeling.

So a 30 minute free write. I'd probably be better served by getting back into the habit via short, sweet 15 minute ones, but oh well.

It's been really hard trying to figure out what my new routines will be, how they will serve me best. Having Mephostophilis changes so much. It's so easy to just get in the car and drive Sara to school in the mornings or to take Mike to work. The nice part of that is my hips have been incredibly sore in the mornings lately. I suspect it's just a bit of moving pain from my back (I've been very bad about doing my exercises)
but I'll have to ask Liz when I see her next. It's bad enough that my willingness to walk for 30 minutes is gone. So Miss Sara got a ride to school this morning. I fully intend to walk to pick her up though. It's beautiful out.

It's almost as if with the car I've given up even the appearance of work. All the running around I've been doing has been for persona stuff and honestly the business hasn't suffered at all. Actually, I can't remember if I've even had one sale this month at all. Well that sucks. But in other ways I don't mind anymore. I don't think I'm willing to do the professional socializing that my business required anymore. Heh, I don't think I was ever willing and I think that why I stopped chatting once I realized that my sales were directly linked to how much time I spent in a chat room.

It wasn't even the chatting really. It was the constant awareness that with every word I typed I was representing my business. There was no such thing as time off, or just Linda chatting. It was always through this filter of being the "soap lady". Which is fine, if I wanted to be in a chat room for 8 hours a day being the soap lady. I don't. So I quit and so have my sales. *shrugs*

I do need to work on my wholesale pricing some more. I think that's the only way I'll really stay in business. Not that I'm going anywhere, it takes very little effort on my part to keep this maintenance level going. I have to make a batch or two of soap every month and answer the occasional email and... rarely fill an order! Hah.

I keep looking at these various storefronts that are up for rent and think about getting out of the apartment. There's a part of me that wants a place to go during the day now. I toy with the idea of getting a desk job somewhere the same as I toy with the idea of getting a storefront for SkyWorks. I guess I'm coming to realize just how isolated my life is now that I have all these new options opening because of the mobility Mephostophilis gives me. Maybe I should look at saving my pennies to get into a watercolour course.

I know I had already decided to focus on my painting a few months ago. But there just isn't the money anymore. I don't resent the car, but I do find it funny ironic that now we have the mobility to go do these various things and we can't afford to anymore. I've been working away on a long-term budget so we can save for these various items that come up; like Sara's dance & swimming lessons, maintenance on Mephostophilis, the vet for the kittens, etc. They're broken down into their monthly amounts and I'll set aside the total when I do the bills. Within a couple months we should have a nice pad there.

This is really something we should've had going for years now but we never really needed to. We were comfy. If something came up, we'd just pay it and tighten our belts for the rest of the month -- but never too tight. You know, I'm really grateful for my life. I'm glad I know what that knot of pure terror of poverty feels like. The memory of a woman at Bell telling me that they'd need a $100 deposit to give me a phone line and feeling like I was going to faint at the very idea of trying to find that kind of cash. And the flipside of now, the knowing that finding a hundred is a piece of cake. I've never been stinking rich, but I've seen comfy and I like it.

Ok, I'm written out now. I have to remember to write about finally giving myself permission to lose it all over an asshole driver. Tomorrow.

That's not 30, but I'll pretend that it is.

I spent a good chunk of yesterday prepping myself to make up a Wholesale pricing sheet for SkyWorks. There's been a fair amount of interest in my stuff from various companies over the past couple years and some fairly serious talks with a local business. I've finally decided that I can't continue ignoring how badly my sales have been in the retail end and stay in business. I need to expand into another stream of potential revenue to keep going.

So, a wholesale pricing list. I couldn't decide on an attractive and professional layout and look for it so I ended up looking at the various templates Microsoft offers for Excel. As usual I got sidetracked into looking at all the other templates they had. I found a couple useful ones, like a personal budget spreadsheet and a personal fitness chart.

The chart's interesting. I put in my height, weight, and various body measurements and it gives me back my rough lean body weight, fat body weight and BMI. I think the BMI is total bullshit, but the rest is kind of neat. That you can track your measurements and weight over time is the most useful. I think I may start using it on a every week or so basis. No more because that way madness lies.

It got me thinking about size, weight and self-esteem. I want to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. It was a good weight for me -- comfortable, good energy levels, strong. The weight I'm at now is hard on me, on my feet, my back, everything. I had been within 20 lbs of my goal weight after I moved back from Toronto. (Oddly enough being unable to eat without vomiting from stress for months makes you lose weight! Imagine that! Hah.) Then I quit smoking and gained 60 lbs. According to the little scale I bought a few weeks ago I've lost 16 lbs since I bought it.

I can't tell but I'll accept that. I usually lose about 10 lbs every spring and regain it in the fall. It's just the way my body works.

That's the hard thing about talking/thinking about weight -- it's so hard to keep focus on how my body works. To keep in mind that I'm a German housefrau body type courtesy of my genes and I will never look like my sister, much less the "ideal". I'm ok with that, I really am. I've fought damn hard to accept that I'm who I am, my body is the way it is and I have limits. Ever since I hit my adult height I have never been smaller than a size 15 (cotton ginny) and my biggest has been a size 24. I'm best at a size 18.

That's just my body truths. I can be active (biking everywhere, working as a theatre tech, etc), eat well (according to the Canada Food Guide!) and I'm still fat. So where's the profit, the gain in being dissatisfied with how I look? I gain nothing but self-loathing. Who gains? It's no secret. The diet and exercise industry does. Millions if not billions of dollars are spent every year on changing who we are. It's powered by self-loathing.

I admire the people that diet and work out for their health, and only for that. The people that take joy in the power and movements of their bodies. The people that go to the gym because it feels good. I think I know one. Everyone else I've ever talked to about their bodies use phrases like "I'm fat.", "I'm ugly, look at this gut!", "I have to lose 20 lbs... I'd be beautiful then." and so on. Self-loathing.

I'm no different. If I really focus on my body I hate it all. I hate my breasts, I hate my gut, I hate my thighs, I hate my double chin, I hate the flab under my arms. I hate it all. I hate myself. The fuck? So then the diet industry says "DIET! Count calories! Micromanage your food so you can lose that ugly FAT! You're a fuck up if you're fat! You're bad!" (I once pulled out a print ad for diet pills that literally said if you eat a piece of chocolate cake you're bad. The fuck?) Then the exercise industry says "Come, exercise! It's not real exercise if it's not in a gym! You can't lose weight without a gym membership and you're fat! Bad!" -- And because I hate myself I buy into it. Then I do everything "right" and I stop at a size 15 because that's the way my body works. And then I hate myself and I spend more to beat that "plateau" and fail. Lather, rinse, and repeat.

So I don't even play that game. But because I'm so fixed on not falling into the trap of self-loathing, I'm not sure how to go about getting myself healthy. It's a tightrope.

And that's 30 minutes.

My cats are druggy freaks. I suspect Stella was the one to jump up on my desk and discover the bag of catnip I had forgotten there. All I know is I came out from the kitchen after starting a new loaf of bread to find the two of them rolling around on this now very holey bag. They look so disgustingly pleased with themselves. Heh.

I'm not terribly pleased with myself today. I'm having a flare-up with the nerves issue and my back. This is the one that makes it very difficult to walk. I've been sleeping a lot better over the past week, but it always seems to be a trade off. If my spine to leg nerve (I should really find out the name of the damn things) is fine, I can't sleep because of back spasms. If I can sleep, I find it hard to move during the day. I just can't win with my back, can I? Ahh well at least it's not everything at once anymore.

I'm not feeling quite as beaten down anymore as well. So the lack of sleep must have been a big part of my doldrums. I'm still tired and wanting my afternoon naps but it's now more a feeling of playing hooky rather than a need.

You know, during the summer I never felt really bad if I decided to take a Tuesday off to watch the new releases. I keep wondering why it's such a big deal to my nag in my head to take time off in the winter. It's not like I have summer vacation the same as Miss. Sara does. I'm not free from the need to work -- I just seem to be free of the guilt to work.

I'm going to try to get into the habit of making a batch of soap each week. Sometimes I can get into a mood and then I end up making soap like a crazed woman. Then I don't make anything for months afterwards. I made a lot of soap in October and haven't really wanted to make more since them. That's kind of sad when I think about it, I loved making soap all the time when I started. It's the reason I started the business. Too much soap for us to use. Now I don't even make the special soap for us to use up.

Anyway, I'm going to set Wednesday mornings as a time to make a single batch each week. Routine, probably sometimes boring, but it'll keep the supply steady. Not that there's a big worry about running out of stock at this point in time. Business is bad. I've had 2 orders in 2004. In some ways it makes me damn grateful I listened to my gut and stayed so small. If I had rent to pay on a storefront, a loan to repay, all those various things -- I'd drown. The business would fold.

But because I stayed small, just a little business run out of my PC and my kitchen I can just float through this dead spot. I finally finished posting all my receipts for 2003. I have the rough numbers, and the definite final sales totals. I'm showing a 40% loss over my first year in business. Forty percent. That's crazy. I talked to my Dad about it and he said he's showing a major loss in 2003 too.

Which was a relief to hear. I figured I had done something wrong, that I had screwed up in some major way to have such poor sales. Dad says it's not just me, not just him, that it's also hit the people he knows from the shows. These are people that make their living from selling the things they make. They take it a lot more serious than I ever have. If they've been dead in the water... yeah.

And that's 30 minutes.

So the phone rings this morning while Mike and I are chattering away. I figure it's my sister, but check the call display anyway. Bell PayPhone. Er... ok. The conversation goes something like this:

Woman: Hi, Linda?
Me: Hi, that's me.
Woman: Hi! I'm *some name I forget*... I was looking at your website.
Me: *Which one? Damn.* Uh-huh.
Woman: I am really interested in Soapmaking and I want you to teach me. You could come to my place or I could come there for lessons.
Me: *The fuck?* I'm sorry but I don't teach anyone how to make soap as it is my business selling it. There are many resources online with very detailed instructions. There's the Soap Dish Forum -- many of the people there helped me learn how to make soap.
Woman: Oh... Ok....
Me: Best of luck, ok? Bye.
Woman: *surprised* Thanks! Bye.

First off, good on her for asking. It takes balls to ask for help and I admire that. I just wish people would think about whom they are asking.

It comes down to sales. If I teach someone how to make soap, especially someone local enough to "come over for lessons", I am creating competition. I'm creating competition that knows how I make my soap and hell, my recipes if I was dumb enough to not use something different from my standard.

Then there's the danger aspect. My lye water mix is stronger than the standard used in Labs. It's very easy to fuck up and have an accident. I know my timing to get under running water in the case of a spill, but add another person into the mix and my safety plan goes to shit. Plus this is my home; it's not a workshop.

I don't want anyone coming into my home as a part of my business. I run SW from here because it's cost-effective and I'm small enough to manage. It makes sense for me as a parent to be available in the way I am when I work from home. But this is my home. I have personal issues with safe spaces and strangers enough to have very few personal friends in my home, much less strangers inviting themselves over for lessons.

Finally, my most personal beef with it all -- I taught myself. I spent a month wandering all over KW looking for handmade soap without finding any. So I decided to make my own. I went online and read for 3 days straight, anything and everything about soapmaking. Then I walked all over on a hot August day to buy all the equipment I needed. That night I made my first batch of soap. It was lye heavy and made with Crisco (I have a contact allergy to Crisco). So I tried again. And again. Until I got it right. Then I kept making soap.

Nobody taught me how to make soap. Nobody. I got advice. I got recipes. I got instructions. But I learned how to do it by doing it. And there's a part of me that thinks if people aren't willing to do the work, make the mistakes, then they can look elsewhere 'cause they're not going to get it from me. That's just the personal part.

I used to be more flexible about this. Then came the bullshit about the label tutorial and the bullshit with a friend using me and my willingness to help and teach. Now it feels like most people are more willing to have things handed to them rather than dig it out for themselves. As someone that finds pride and a sense of self in my ability to independently learn, I'm annoyed when I'm asked to give over my hard won knowledge for anything. Not that people actually offer anything in exchange for the knowledge or my time.

*sighs* Plus it's just rude to ask someone running a business to teach the skill their business is based on if it's not clearly offered. And trust me, there's nothing on SW that says "I offer soapmaking lessons!"

Pfft.

Stealing a few minutes for personal to-dos right now. It's been a busy day so far with no signs of slowing down anytime soon. As soon as I get this entry written, spellchecked, and posted I need to get outside dressed and do a post office bank run. Then I need to pick up Miss Sara from school and we're catching a bus down to the Zellers to get some proper winter boots for us both. I also need to remember to visit the nearby dollar store there to get some padded shipping envelopes and packing tape.

I knew I was running low on supplies for SkyWorks earlier, but I didn't realize how many various things. I know better too. I know to stock up when I can and when I realize what I need immediately. Instead I waited and now I need to find hundreds of dollars to finance a major shopping trip. Doesn't help that I've developed a spending habit with the business debit card.

I was pretty bad about spending business money on various things when I started selling. Once I realized that I'd have to account for all the money and where it went when I became a legal business, I reined myself in fiercely. If it wasn't for the business, it came from personal money or wasn't bought. Period. Plus at the time I needed a monthly loan from the personal accounts anyways.

About a year ago I realized that I was busting my ass for my business for no reward and I was sick of it. So I started letting myself buy little things here and there from the business account. Then I bombed out on the business. I got depressed and stopped caring if money was coming in, if I had money to buy supplies, if I had a well-stocked inventory. I spent any money that came in, dipping under my preferred minimum of $100 reserve in the bank account.

Now with the sale finished and some auctions coming in, I have an influx of cash but the bad spending habits are there as well. The cash from the School Bazaar this year has been buying pizza and junk food. I knew I should have put it into the bank account right away. Ahh well. Hindsight, yes?

I think I need to look at my routines and attitudes towards money again. Specifically the money I've been earning for myself. I think I should start writing out a paycheque for myself on a monthly basis, or bi-weekly, maybe. Make it a percentage of sales, but keeping the balance untouchable for personal spending in the business account. Might help. I also need to figure out what I really need to get right now and what can wait.

It's been a while since I worked on the shopping lists and the various budgets for supplies. That means my costing sheets aren't accurate and I really don't know current costs of supplies. Something else to be added to the to-do lists for this month. I'm trying to spend about 3 hours a day on the business. Sometimes more. I could spend every breathing moment working, but all that gets me is burnt out.

I love that I can control my time expenditure this way. It's more important than money for me. I've been casually chatting with one of the women at my post office about my being available for part-time work if they ever need the extra help. She asked for a resume a couple weeks ago, but I don't have one that I would show anyone right now. And I don't have the time to write one out. Well to be honest, I don't want to make the time to write one out.

That was another important thing I did when I reined myself in when it comes to work. There are work hours and then there are home hours and they do not cross. I don't work when I have my family home. I have dinner to cook, I have TV shows to watch, I have airplane models to work on, I have watercolours to paint, and I have forums to read. I'm trying so hard to keep my life balanced. And as stubborn as I am about personal time being sacred, I am the same way about work time. I want to be alone so I can focus and get myself into gear.

I've sketched out a rough routine of 9am - 12pm being work time, 12-1pm being lunch, journal & photoblog time, and 1-3pm being personal responsibilities time. Now that we have Sara fulltime the chunk after school until dinner ends up being filled with her homework and needs. I need to figure out where in there I can fit my own School needs and responsibilities. I got the parcel this week from ILC with the first unit of the course, and after a fair amount of struggle I managed to sign up for the ejournal as well.

I figure I'll start that this Monday.

And that's 30 minutes. (and massive errors from my MT, so I'll post this later)

Taking the time to do a 30-minute entry this morning before I start work. It's been a busy week so far, with very little getting crossed off the to-do lists I made up Monday night. Two and a half pages of things that really should be done by next Monday. I'm delusional if I think that's going to happen.

Today I think I should work on the site for SkyWorks. I need to jury-rig the old site to make do until I get breathing room enough to work on the new design. I want to have something there with the new sections, soaps and stuff by Saturday, so that leaves very little time. I also have some things that didn't get finished yesterday; the bath teas, reminder emails, stuff for the 3WA auctions. Lots to do in a short amount of time available to me today.

I was thinking about what I should write about on my walk back from dropping Miss Sara off at School this morning. And of course, I can't remember what it was. All I can remember is the road line painter truck cruising by and just how cool I think that is. Heh.

The big thing that's been on my mind this week is the upcoming Halloween party that the boys are throwing tomorrow night. Originally it was going to be something small and simple, because the themes have just gone insane over the past 11 years. I threw the first Halloween party when I was 17 in the basement of the townhouse. I put gels over the track lighting in shades of green and red, hung branches filled with fall leaves from the ceiling and had everyone I could think of come. I think I was "Dead Girl on Her Way to Her Prom" that year. Inspired.

The next year I was in my first apartment, a basement one with a long stairwell down. That one was "Descent into Hell" with red lights, streamers, balloons and (this was hilarious) a Cabbage Patch Kid, naked, on a moving spit over a "fire". I have good memories of that one. And as I say that I remember the usual drama with R & Ro.

The next year after that one was at Ro's place in Toronto and I remember sleeping on the roof beside my friends that night. I don't remember a theme. I remember this was the first time I announced to the world at large that I was pregnant with Miss Sara. The boys already knew, but not the rest of the group.

I think I made it to at least 2 more Halloween Parties between 1994 and 2000. The 2000 one was the first time Mike met my friends and it had morphed into this insane production. There was a stage constructed with lighting and sound for a full "pageant". It had gone from a silly little party to something intense and scary. I haven't gone to any since then until now.

So I'm dreading this Party. I don't have a costume (I can't even find jeans, costume is so not happening), I'm coming late because I need to take Sara Trick-or-Treating, and I'm not karaoking. There's one person in the group who can either be fun or a massive bitch and she loves to make little comments. I'm just dreading her comments. But the thing is I'm 28, I have a child I'm responsible for, I have a business in a state of flux this week, and I wasn't told details about the party within a reasonable time frame for me to juggle it. I have reasons for not being an actor in the show that the Halloween parties have become, and I expect them to be respected.

*laughs* That's my party line, but I know what's going to happen and why. We've been a group since the middle of High School and the way we interact is highly reminiscent of that beginning. I can hope though.

And that's 30 Minutes.

Monday Morning. Spent Saturday with the boys and Sunday doing lots of nothing. I'm never sure where to start my week on a Monday. It's one of the downfalls of working for myself, there are very few things that aren't flexible and movable. So I have few needs to be done right now pressures on a Monday. I have to work out the week as a whole rather than a day. Heh, I guess that's my Monday job, then.

I know I need to finally cut the Coconut Crème Soap that ended up being a mess last week. It's hardened up enough to cut, I think. I also have some more batches to make up, if this batch isn't salvageable, it'll be three in total. Plus I really should make up a few body butters for the sale at Sara's school. That's next week and has become an annual thing for SkyWorks to do.

So in preparation for that I should also really get my order in for some business cards so I have some to give out at the sale. Plus 3WA is having their annual Craft Fair upcoming and I want to sell some things on both personal and business levels. I guess it is just time to make up some to-do lists and slug away at them.

Hrm, I'm not finding anything to write about this morning. Certainly not enough to fill a 30-minute entry. I guess things are pretty settled today for me. Nothing big and dramatic, nothing of particular note, nothing really bothering me. *shrugs* Can't complain about that, really.

I have 2 more things to do for PtF then I can go start my workday. TvFH and the Monday entry to the photoblog. I also need to get to a grocery store and pick up the few things I need for this weeks dinner plans. Heh, this entry is all about the things I need to do both personal and professional this week. So I'm going to stop forcing myself to find something to write about, post this nattering and get started on the stuff really occupying my mind. See if I have something better to write about tomorrow then. ;)

I just finished a batch of Coconut Crème and for the first time ever with that soap I had a visit from the soaping gremlins. It started to curdle after I added in the FO, which could lead to total separation. I have no idea what would have caused it. There are a few factors like heat, or the FO or even the coconut milk I added. I put it into the oven (great place to put the soap while it goes through gel stage and solidifies, it's warm and free of drafts) and I'm going to ignore it for a few hours. I hope to god it doesn't separate. I hate trying to figure out where I can get rid of a mush of highly caustic semi-soap and lye water.

I'm so not going to make the ideal date of November 1st as my launch of the new improved SW. Most of the soaps won't be cured until mid-month, I haven't spent any time on the redesign, and it's just not going smoothly. *shrugs* Been doing this long enough now to realize that that's just the way it goes in this business, and probably most. Not like anyone really knows what I want to do when I'm finished except me so there's no expectation there.

Oh, absolutely awesome thing yesterday. I, on a whim, checked out PayPal again to see if they had lifted the requirement of a Credit Card to use them. They had and I could sign up SW for an account! So I did and right now I'm just waiting on my bank account to be confirmed so I can say officially that I accept PayPal and through them Credit Cards. That should really help business pick up. I'm really excited about it and it's given me ideas of what I want to do with the redesign.

I think I'm going to use CSS in the redesign. I have a tenuous grasp on the concepts and it really does seem to make it easier to change design while keeping content static. I have some ideas but it requires finding some quiet space and time to get right into the code and the... zone. Hee. Maybe I'll take some markers and one of my sketchbooks with me to Sara's dance lesson tonight and do my prelim sketches.

I've fallen behind again in my changes I've been trying to make with my life. I haven't focused on the schoolwork at all this week, partially because it's time to do the "Key Questions" which are little essays and even though each entry of mine here is like a mini-essay I'm still intimidated at the idea. I think once I'm caught up with the soapmaking and product re-stock and the website redesign I'll figure out a workable daily routine. Right now the soap is taking focus because I really want them finished and available soon.

I may move the redesign/changes to December 1st. Not sure. *sighs* I thought a month would be enough time but I overextended myself again. We're still getting used to the new routines we have with Sara being here. I keep forgetting that I don't have a full 9-5 day anymore. I have to be out the door at 3:15 or so and there's no work that gets done when Sara is home after school. Then it's time to practice "Word Wall Words", math and finish up homework.

Ahh well. Once I edit and post this I have to go back and make another batch of soap. Or perhaps I'll do what I usually do when visited by the soaping gremlins. I go do something completely different. I do have a pile of movies due back tomorrow that I haven't finished watching. I've really enjoyed one of them, The Italian Job and it's going on my To-Buy list. It's just if I only do one batch today, it leaves 2 more that have to be done tomorrow. I still don't know what my 12th standard stock soap will be. The votes are pointing at a soap that simply does not sell, at all. Most of the others are a solid link between sales and votes.

I used to be all determined that I would never be like the Body Shop and discontinuing favourites. I thought I would keep making all the items I ever sold just so they would be always available. I've realized that people really like to say, "Keep that one!" but then they don't buy it. I've also realized when I threw out another batch of soap that has sat there and rotted on the shelves that I can't afford to do that and stay in business.

I figured out a solution though. I'm going to keep all soaps available for full batch purchase. If it's someone's favourite soap, then they can order a batch made just for them. I'm going to try making a half size batch (1.5 pounds) and see if I can make it that small. I don't see why not, and it would make it a bit more cost effective. Not half the price because no matter the size of the batch my time is the same and the most expensive ingredient. I don't think fragrance oils go bad and once I have a bottle in stock, it's in stock until it gets used up.

I'm still debating how to do the massage melts. The foil and plastic baggy was a short-term option and it sucks. I'm considering putting them in the same containers as the Body Butters just because it's cleaner and more convenient to use. I'm also wondering if I could find mini-chocolate bar molds and do it that way. So that someone could break off a piece each use and then tuck it back into whatever packaging I figure for that. We'll see, it's a problem I'm tossing around.

I also want to get some E-wax so I can make some more of my heavy shea lotion. Damn, the buzzer scared me. That's 30 minutes.

Boy, it looks nasty outside. Grey and cold and windy. All the people I see walking are bundled up; hiding under hoods and scarves. Fall is really here and moving fast. The leaves that work as our curtains during the summer are falling off now. I noticed it this morning when I looked out and saw the lit windows in the building across the way. I'm glad I finished my fake stained glass on the bedroom windows already.

Had a visit last night from a neighbour talking about this past weekend and the children. She's also been calling the police and the landlady. That was quite the discovery, that the landlords knew that these parties were going on last weekend. Why?

Because my landlord stood in my home yesterday and said things like "If we had been told we could've stopped this before they broke the door. I had no idea that they were throwing parties all the time." She hinted very clearly that somehow we were responsible for the property damage because we didn't phone them as well as the police. And I did start feeling guilty a little! Double-guessing myself about why we didn't call them.

I know why, because they do shit around here. You have to threaten them with lawyers, the tribunal or moving out before they do anything. We've learned over the past 2 1/2 years that it's easier to just do everything ourselves when it comes to this management. So of course we'd call the police and not them. The police do and did something; they're still just wandering around lying. I feel no guilt anymore, actually I wonder if she's pathological with her lying.

~*~

I woke up early again today. Around 6:30am. I used to really like getting up in the early morning when I was in my mid-teens. It was so peaceful and I could pretend that the townhouse was all mine. Now I think of it more as less sleep. I find that when I get up, I'm up. No chance of getting back to sleep until mid-afternoon, when I have places I need to be.

I was going to start AquaFit today, but part of the huge pile of mail was a FedEx notice saying that they'll be by to drop off today before 1:30pm. They're dropping off a payment from a new customer. On one hand I do appreciate that this person takes my "payment is due within 14 days" seriously, on the other I hate that I have to scrap my plans for the morning if I don't want to miss FedEx. I could sign the little "leave my parcel anywhere you want" box, but that's just tempting theft and fate. I hope the delivery guy isn't one of the jerks that never buzz or knock, they just leave the note and disappear.

*shrugs* I'll go to AquaFit next week.

I realized that part of my grand plan to revamp my life and give myself me things, is missing something. It has challenges, but it doesn't have fun/leisure aspects. AquaFit is a "get out of the house, and exercise" challenge, and going back to school is an "educational" challenge. I need something in there that's fun and different.

I worked a bit on one of my models this past weekend. I keep forgetting how much I enjoy putting together planes. It used to be one of my biggest things to do. I'd go over to the mall and see what kind of cash I'd have from babysitting and buy a model every few months. I'd putter away at it. I never painted them. I always believed that I didn't paint them because it was too detail-y for me, now I realize I couldn't have afforded the paints.

The main problem with doing models now as an adult is I have nowhere really to put the finished pieces. I used to hang them from the ceiling of my room with transparent fishing wire, but somehow I think that would be odd looking now. I'm thinking maybe I should put in some shelves on the wall my desk faces into and make that into my display area. Something to think about at least. For right now the latest model is perched on the top of my monitor.

The sale at SkyWorks has been going really well so far. I have so few soaps left, it's kind of scary and exciting at the same time. There's no more of this stone in my gut feeling when I look into the stock cupboard and realize just how many soaps aren't moving. See, the kind of soaps I make can go bad over time. Most of the time that only involves scent fading and the oils used to make it becoming a prominent smell. (I make lard soaps, that smells lovely after a year, really.) But with them clearing out finally, I won't have this issue.

I've also decided to have a "seconds" section of the new site to sell off the soaps I'm not thrilled with and that I don't think are worth $5 each. It's better than throwing them out. I still have yet to sit down and do the sketches for the new site much less work on the redesign. I have 2 weeks and 3 days to tackle that in, so time is running out. Granted I can always go with the site I have and do mild changes. For the most part I've been making soap, processing and packing orders and paper pushing. I've been busy as hell, and it's even tighter now with Miss Sara here full time.

And that's 30 minutes.

I should really be hopping into the shower right now instead of writing a 30-minute entry. Hah, maybe I should start 15-minute entries. But I realized this weekend that I've been busting my ass for everyone around me and not really myself again. Not that I think I should bust my ass for myself, it's more that I don't spend much time focusing on me. That's kind of why I started the webpage again and spent all that time setting up MT, so I'd have a place to do stuff for me.

Then I got busy. I've always been this way, my entire life. I've always felt that what is most important in a life well lived is what you give to the people around you. I learned in Therapy that sometimes it's more important to worry about what you give yourself, for the reason that if you don't give to yourself first, what you give your loved ones ends up being lesser. I agree with that, but I find it very hard to live it.

I lie to myself about what is "me time" that going shopping for the latest thing we need to make our home life easier counts. It doesn't really. Me time, the me time that was best was the kind spent sitting in a coffee shop, smoking, drinking coffee and writing about what I saw, who I was, the things around me. I don't know where to go for that anymore. It's something I miss about not being in TO. Plus, there's always this pressure that I may miss picking up Miss. Sara from school or something.

I don't want to be the one to drop the ball on being the responsible adult. I've never allowed myself to. That's not completely true. I've dropped the ball tons of times in my life. And I've always hated myself for doing it. That I should always be perfect somehow. Enh, I dunno. Auch ja.

I went shopping on Saturday with Miss. Sara. I discovered that my beloved Cotton Ginny actually was open and stocked! We were only supposed to be getting Sara a new winter jacket since it's gotten surprisingly cold over the past week, and her broken-sipper jacket just isn't acceptable. I've been keeping my eyes open for new shirts, but nothing serious. I still hate the idea of buying clothes for this size I'm at again, I don't feel it's my accurate size and I will go back down to my lifetime standard of size 18. But I seem to start hating myself when my clothes don't fit.

It makes me feel ugly and sloppy. I've always been highly casual in my clothing choices, my entire life. I've always been a pair of jeans and a T-shirt girl. But there's casual and then there's sloppy. And I've been sloppy. So I've been trying to find some inexpensive yet nice shirts to go with the jeans I finally grabbed. In comes CG Plus! I found 2 long sleeved, V-necked (perfect to keep me from looking like mighty boob woman!) striped stretch shirts, 2 button down shirts (one that makes me look like a late 70s hipster mom) and a plain white T-shirt, V-necked of course. I no longer feel like the monster from the deep, and god, it's wonderful.

I'm not stylish or thin by any means, but I feel better about myself. It's really nice not to walk around with that just under the surface feeling of self-loathing.

I was thinking this morning on my walk home from dropping Sara off that we've adjusted really well to our new lives and home here. It's been a bit more than a month since she came here full time and I can barely remember what it was like not to have her around all the time. I feel more rushed, and more hemmed in by all her lessons and needed routines, but they're helpful too. It's nice to know that when 5 pm rolls around I'm pretty much finished for the day, and my home life starts. A home life filled with regular dinners, and TV. Mmmm, brain rot, TV.

We had the boys over to visit last week. I've been missing them both a lot lately (when I stop and give myself time to miss anyone), so it was really nice to go out for dinner and a visit. I don't remember exactly what we talked about, but I remember laughing and laughing. Sometimes I wonder about this part of my "growing up", the distance that has come between my friends and me. These people that were the most important aspect of my life in High School. So many of them are gone now, lost into their own lives, the same as I have become lost in my own. When I stop to think about it, I hurt terribly. I've tried with some of them to get back into contact a couple times, and it's hit the point where I know I have to let it go and see what happens eventually.

I hate that idea though. With one person specifically, someone that if you had told 16 year old me I would be missing the most, I would've bitterly laughed in your face. I don't know if I will ever sit across from him ever again in a coffee shop... and on the other hand, there are the people that you just know will be there. For me it's the boys. They're coming up on their 10th anniversary and I can remember clear as day the winter they fell for each other. I know even if we don't talk for months, someone will call or email and we'll go out for dinner and laugh.

I keep wondering about who Sara's people will be. What are they going to be like? She's so quiet and shy; I worry about her. I worry that with moving here, she knows nobody in the neighbourhood, and won't do the gutsy stuff you need to do to make friends cold. And now I remember 9 year old me going up to a young girl riding her bike in the back of our apartment building and saying "Hi! I'm Linda, I just moved here, want to be friends?" I can't even remember her name anymore but we became friends.

Sara will find her way. Hell, if all us 'losers' could find each other in the Art Room and become such a fun group, Sara will be fine.

On other thoughts, I'm having a huge-ass sale at SkyWorks this month. It's selling out like crazy. I'm thrilled, and it gives me the cash influx that I need to make some of those changes to my business. Like finally getting Business Cards. Hee. I'm also considering doing a redesign of the site, the labels, everything. Keeping the font (Lynda Cursive!) and losing the clipart logo. I've been paying attention to various medium sized businesses and font seems to be the biggest "logo" thing they do. We'll see. I think I may take some of my work with me to the pool tonight to work on while Sara has her swimming lesson. I have forms I need to send into Health Canada before the "new" SW launch.

And that's 30 Minutes.

It's Thursday already. Time just keeps slipping away from me so quickly. Mike and I have talked about this sense I have of time speeding up more and more the older I get. He thinks if I spent time somewhere where I would have to interact with people more, it would slow down again. I think he might be right. As it stands it's as if I blink an eye and a week is gone. I know that I don't have any less time than anyone else, but I can remember so clearly being in school and every minute was an eternity and just how different it is now. I would count down the minutes in History class on a scrap piece of paper.

I think living on a monthly pay period adds to it. The last couple weeks in a month are always a state of waiting for the next paycheque. Not that we don't have savings, but it just seems like we're always waiting. Heh.

I want to paint our walls. I want to make them a rich burgundy colour to go with the amazing fabric I bought back in May. We can't really afford to do that right now, but I still want to. It's mainly the work involved. If I want to paint the living room, there are so many things that have to be worried about. We have both of our computer desks and all accompanying hardware, plus the TV then all the various pieces of furniture. I still want to paint.

We came to the decision earlier this year that we were going to settle in here and make it work for us for the next 5 years or so. We're to the point with our books and CDs and movies and stuff that we can't ask friends to move us anymore. I think the last move was a bit too big itself. So I don't want to move again for as long as possible. I want to make a home and stay here. I'm so tired of moving. I've moved my entire life. I think last count was 29 moves in 26 years. We've been here now for 2 years and I'd like to stay longer.

We may not be able to do that if the trend we're noticing keeps up. Since we moved in the upkeep of the building and grounds has just plummeted in quality. Used to be that the floors would be mopped, the carpets vacuumed, the plants watered and so forth, once a week. Every Monday. Now it's anyone's guess when the spill on the stairs will be mopped up. And the plants? I think I'm the only person who waters them. (I hate to watch plants die) Not to mention the noise/age of the tenants.

Not to be student-ist, but kids are noisy. I think Mike has written about the past couple weekends with the idiots down the hall a few times now. Simply put, it's been a couple parties in what we're guessing is a non-smoking apartment. That's the only explanation we can figure for them to have people going in and out (and SLAMMING! Boom! the door) every 5 minutes. Plus the party seems to continually end up in the hallway. I hate listening to strangers laugh and talk... when I'm on my couch, in my living room, with the door closed while my TV is at 20.

Plus, they're at the furthest away apartment from us on this floor. We share no walls with them. So the first weekend I ignored it best as I could (from about 8:30) until it was 11:30pm, then I went out and yelled. I have way too much of a temper and I had had it. Mike says someone swore at me. I didn't notice. Then last weekend they did it again. Less of the party in the hallway thing, but lots of door slamming. Mike called the police after a couple hours of that. I'm wondering what this Saturday will bring.

Ahh well. I love kids, really. I love the fact I have always been so focused on being a good neighbour in this building. Worrying about the comparatively small amount of noise we make and then we end up sharing a floor with the rude fuckers. Yay.

I want to work some more on SW today, but I'm not sure what I should focus on. I've made 4 batches of soap so far this month for the restock, but I need to pick up some more baskets from Dollarama as my drying "racks". I may go and organize and count stock as prep for the big sale. I did accounting yesterday because I got the scary threatening letter from the tax people. Kind of funny considering how much I feared them when I started the business.

I'm not going to make soap, It's already been a bit of a clumsy not-going-well type of day, and I think playing with highly caustic chemicals is just tempting fate. And that's 30 minutes.

30 minutes will bring me to 11am, well just past 11. It's raining outside today, for the first time in what feels like months. It's a true turning of the season to me. The rain is cold, and uncomfortable. I've always loved the rain to walk in and enjoy, but this turn of the season rain always sucks. I walked Sara to school, as is my routine this morning and was soaked to the bone by the time I got home. Note: Don't wear khakis in a soaking rain. They become somewhat see-through and slightly embarrassing. Hee. :)

There are two photo Memes this week as usual. There's "Season Change" and "Found". I went through my stuff this morning looking for new/old photos to use, but came up empty. I think I could get some great shots if I went outside for season change, but I hate risking getting the camera wet. (And me wet again, heh). I may anyways, who knows.

It's a slower day today. I don't have a soap to make since I won't work on the weekend (so I wouldn't cut the soap that made today, tomorrow.) and I'm deliberately forgetting that I have a shitload of non-soapmaking work to do. I want to do all the webpages in advance for the sale. So that it's just a matter of uploading the local copies on October 1st. Plus there's always the accounting and the way past due taxes. I just haven't done my books in months. I don't want to know in detail just how bad the sales are. Ahh well. I'll do this entry, find some shots to catch me up with my memes and then see what I should get done today for SW.

I was thinking on the walk back after dropping Sara off that I've started to enjoy walking. I've always hated it and found it inefficient. Walking takes too long to get anywhere, and for the same amount of energy you could bike somewhere in a quarter of the time. But since I have no real choice but to walk everywhere right now, I'm finding some enjoyment in it. I won't walk for the hell of it, though. The very idea of walking to walk drives me nuts. I have to have a goal or something I'm walking to so I can enjoy it.

Our lack of a car seems to be such an issue all the time. It is for me at times when I realize just how much a pain in the ass it is not to have one. But most of the time we manage. We could manage the expense of one, but at various costs that we don't need to pay right now. Plus we'd only be buying one to make it easier to get groceries, go camping, other shopping and various running around that is monstrously insane without a car. All good reasons, yes, but are they worth the crazy costs of a vehicle that *isn't* needed daily?

Sara started her dance lessons yesterday. Not only is it scheduled right smack dab at our normal dinner hour; it's just that tiny bit too far to walk to. A 30-minute walk. So we take the bus there, but because of the change they made it ends *right* when the last bus before the schedule switches to each hour leaves. So we get out of her lesson and then have to wait an hour to catch a bus to take us a 30-minute walk away. Figure that one out. *sighs* It's a joke. We've been offered a ride home from one of the dance teachers on the days she's going home, and I really appreciate that, but I seem to have a stupid independent streak. I don't want to have to rely on a relative stranger for a ride each week. It feels both like we're taking advantage of her and that we're not managing to take care of ourselves. Gah, I don't know. I'll take the ride and offer gas money because she's helping us out and it's great and I'll deal, but I'm frustrated.

Doesn't help that the discussions between my ex-MIL and the teacher included the line "I spoke with Linda this morning and she would not find taking the bus on Thursday nights quite as awful this year as it was last year." Quite as awful. Like I'm some prima-donna that doesn't want to take the dirty bad bussy-wussy. No, It's a matter of not wanting to spend two and a half hours running around, fucking up a schedule that my daughter responds wonderfully to so I can take her to an hour lesson. It's inefficient use of our time, and I resent having my time spent for me.

I think part of it is a car-owner mentality. I was once one of those folks and I remember. An hour lesson would be a matter of 5 minutes there, drop her off, go do errands or even come home then go back, pick her up and 5 minutes later be home. Even if I were sitting there for the hour it would be a commitment of maybe an hour and 20 minutes. I would have no issue with that situation, I can't think of anyone who would. So the translation is if they don't have a problem, why should I? It's so easy to forget what it's like to not have that option.

When you're faced with 4 options to a situation like an 8:15 bus home. One is wait, stand outside for an hour in whatever random weather and get home 20 minutes after quiet time begins. Second is taking a cab. I did the math on that one and a cab once a week for the term would cost us more than the lessons. Yeah. Third is walk, it's only 30 minutes tops... in good weather. When the snow and the ice and the slush come it's not an option at 7:15pm. Finally there's getting a ride from some kind-hearted soul. Which is what we'll do. That and take a cab home when she's unavailable. Which in my experience usually ends up with a "So, why don't you just get a car?" conversation sooner or later.

And we will, sooner or later, but things keep coming up like my teeth or my physiotherapy (so I can walk, HAHAHAH!) or back to school or the vet and all of that is out of pocket, which is a whole other rant for another day because that's 30 minutes.

I never seem to write on the weekend. Oddly it's when I have the least amount of time to just get into something. There's always someone else around. I've been thinking about this entry all weekend though. I think I've finally come to a decision about SW. About what I want it to be, how I want to approach this career of mine, what's important, what's not and what I did wrong last year.

It's been 2 years now that I've been a soapmaker. I made my very first batch of soap on August 7, 2001. Within 2 months I had about 40 pounds of soap curing on Sara's desk. More soap than we would ever use in our lifetime.

So I started selling through Mike to his office to just get rid of some of that soap. Eventually some people online got interested and asked for a web page. I made a quicky webpage and started taking orders. Getting massive amounts of hands-on experience (not the same as the kind that comes with time, but valuable all the same) while making endless batches of soap. Around Christmas that year Mike insisted that I needed to register the business, go legal. I ignored him for several months until I was downtown Kitchener with time to kill and the $80 for the registration fee. On March 1, 2002 SkyWorks became official.

Since then it's been a ride. Up and down, left and right, out of control really. I think my best sales month was nearly $900 in sales. My worst hasn't been put on the books yet but it's definitely been in the past 6 months and well under $100. (1) I used to ignore those sales numbers and the amount of work I put into the business. Sweat equity. *snorts* It was a labour of love, not money. Until there was no love left.

Now it's just labour. I haven't made a batch of soap since the last Angel Wings... in March. That batch DOSed to hell and back and with that I lost the desire to create just to throw out. This is especially sad when you consider that 2 years ago I couldn't go a day without dreaming about soap, about the next batch I would create. There was a lot of love and fun there once. I managed to kill it with my idealism and generosity.

That's a funny thought, killing something with what should be positive things. But it's what happened. I kept thinking that if I was this great, wonderful, sharing person my business would succeed. Mike told me that it didn't work that way (2), but I didn't believe him. What happened was I kept bending over backwards, I kept giving extras and all I got back was expectations. I was expected to make this certain soap when they wanted it, simply because they wanted it. I was expected to process their orders on a Sunday afternoon. I somehow ended up with a stock list of over 30 types of soap, without the sales to afford a range like that. And because of the way I am instead of saying to these people, "Um. No. MY business. Go elsewhere if you don't like it." I started to hate my art. Bye-bye love.

I know I sound naive. I know I sound ungrateful. I know I sound like a victim.

That's my point.

Because that's exactly what I was, exactly what I set myself up to become. I started a business based on the way it was when I was a hobbyist selling to acquaintances. I never said "Ok, SLOW down. What do I want this to be? What do I need? What are my limits?" I just jumped in and rode the coaster until I fell off.

I think I'm finally thankful that I fell off that coaster ride. For the longest time I've been angry that quitting smoking "killed" my business. Or frustrated that people aren't loyal. I knew those weren't the reasons, and I knew the answer would come eventually. So I've been in a holding pattern for most of 2003, waiting for the answers to come. They finally arrived last Thursday as a quick random thought.

"I should clear out ALL of my stock with a massive sale and start over."

Pretty simple, eh? It stuck in my head like crazy glue. Over this past weekend I've bounced it off my Mom and Mike and in so doing I've clarified it even more for myself. It's gone from an idea to a rough outline of a plan and an understanding of my business I don't think I've ever had before. I think I finally understand that this isn't about making friends. This isn't about being popular. This isn't about me personally.

This is about a business. A product that is high quality, unique and useful. This is about what I want, what I am capable of, what works for me. This is about no longer wasting my time. This is what I should have done when I started. I have some of the answers I've been looking for...

• I don't want to work to make someone else money. That means no more debates about wholesale or consignment. Retail only.

• There is no way I can make, stock and sell 30+ types of soaps along with all the various bath & body stuff. It costs too much in supplies, time and space. Plus I end up throwing old stuff out. I need to pare down my product list to something manageable that doesn't piss off my few remaining customers. I'm thinking 10 standard stock soaps with monthly limited edition featured scents.

• I need to start fresh. Clear out all the old stock that's coming closer and closer to rotting in my cupboard. I am going to have a massive sale with rockbottom prices for a month. At the end of the month anything left is donated.

• I need to rediscover what I loved about soapmaking. What drove me to continually make soap 2 years ago. Why it was something I could do to escape from myself for that hour. I am going to find my inspiration.

• I need a plan. I need to know exactly what I want SW to be, where it's going, how I'm going to get it there. I need this so I can make solid decisions without doubt. (at least less doubt) I am going to make a business plan.

• I choose SW.
  

And with that, I am going to do the chores I should have done yesterday. While I do that I'm going to think some more and see what else I've decided.

1. Aspiring soapmakers, take a good look at those numbers. This is NOT a field where you quit your day job.

2. I still remember him saying it as we made our bed together one day. It's an image that is crystal clear in my memory.

You know, staring at a blank MT new entry template is just as frustrating as the infamous blank paper page.

I figure I have about and hour and a half to go until my back settles down and I start feeling normal. I paid attention to it yesterday morning and realized that I do get to feeling normal with the occasional twinge after about 2 hours in the morning. Puts a damper on doing anything early, but I'm not exactly insanely busy anymore.

My cousin is coming by in a bit to pick up an order she put in earlier this week. I'm not thrilled about it. I do enjoy spending time with her about 60% of the time, but usually it's tempered with the memory of things said like "If I didn't know how hard you work, I'd be dismayed at the mess in here" (said while a guest in my home) Um, yeah.

I guess I've just become really fixed on how much aggravation I'll put up with. Which is, well, very little. Especially in my home. One of the difficulties of the PTSD is I can be agoraphobic, sometimes very severely so. The main way I manage to keep it under control is having my home being my safe space. That means I'm pretty fierce about who comes in and how many chances you get.

That leads into my rant I mentioned in my last entry. yay!

...

A couple nights ago I was doing my bounce around the 'net and see what I find. I can never remember what brings me to each place, but I found a soapmaker with a fairly dusty journal. She had an entry about the pick-up customer and various other annoyances in the life of a small time soapmaker. I love what she has to say, it's so very true. Plus I admire that she put it out there like that. I sit on my rants like that because heaven forbid I offend a customer, or a potential customer.

So if you're one of the above that doesn't understand that PtF is my personal site, that I am a human being that gets pissed off occasionally and that my business isn't me, stop reading.

One thing she said that really sticks with me is "The only person who benefits from this arrangement is YOU, the greedy customer who is too cheap to pay shipping, or too impatient wait for an order to be delivered." re: the 'I'll just swing on by and pick that up then...' customer.

I had a very nice woman call me last Saturday looking to order and pick-up some soaps for a party. Since it was the long weekend I spent far too long debating my answer. On one hand I still have the business idealist deep in that thinks I should do anything and everything in my power to nail a sale. Even if it means I lose time and money in the process. That part of me still believes in customer loyalty. Crack smoker. heh.

On the other hand there's the me that watched my business die because I wasn't sitting in a chat room 24/7 promoting to my what I thought loyal customers. (I quit smoking in December and quite literally couldn't sit down in my computer chair and keep to my quit for almost 2 months. So I stayed away from the evil chair.) This me has over the past couple years learned to say No, learned that weekends are more precious than any sale, learned that Mike was right. Learned that no matter how hard you work you can still fail. I learned that people go for what is easiest, what is cheapest, and what is in their face.

(Disclaimer before my bitter overflows: I have loyal customers. I love them. They are the reason that I will never ever completely quit my business. You guys know who you are, and I love you! Smooch! ;) )

So on Tuesday I called back the very nice woman and left a message. She called me back and we discussed it. I didn't know what I would say until the words came out of my mouth to a "So I can't pick up my order?" were a very simple "No." No apology, no explanation, just No. Then of course, like most of humanity, she brought some pressure to change my mind. The standard "You'll lose my business" which only works if the business in question cares. Me? My home space staying private is worth a hell of a lot more than a $30 order.

After that exchange I changed the ordering page at SW to say "SW is a mail-order business. We do not accept pick-up orders." I thought it was clear before, but I guess not. Now it is.

Wondering why it's such a big deal? A few things actually. There's the straightforward zoning and lease issue. Very simply I am not allowed to run a business from here. Period. But more than anything else, this is my home. My safe place, my shelter, my sanctuary. It's not a space that has touches of personality, like a desk in a cube in a workplace or a storefront, it is absolutely personal. And as I said way up there at the start of this entry, I'm fierce about my home space.

What gets me is that most people are like I am about their personal space. I think that's part of why it maddens me so. It would be a horrible breech of etiquette to announce, "I'll be over later this week." to someone not running a home based business, and guaranteed they would hate it, so why is it ok to do it to me? hmm? Or when a No is given to attempt a not-so-subtle manipulation to get your own way. *shakes head*

I think it comes down to the tendency that really bothered me when I chatted all the time. It's the tendency to pigeonhole humanity. I am a soapmaker, so that's who I am. Period. I don't have any more facets to my self, my world than my role of providing soap when they want it, where they want it, and oh yes, not to be forgotten, how they want it. My desire to keep my home and my business separate is an inconvenience to them and therefore nonsensical.

*sighs* I've just managed to remind myself of what I despise about this job of mine... and I haven't even gotten into the demands of what to make and when to make it or the basic, non-interpersonal problems of small scale manufacturing. Is it any wonder that I'm just not sure that I want to do this anymore? I make a good product, I have some amazing customers, but I just don't know.

And on that familiar note, I'm off to my shower.